Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Russ]

Examples of unclear writing

(Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in
Application for Support.)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six
children. I had seven but one died which was baptized
on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby
was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and
has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you
tell me why.

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing
is dead.

6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do
about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The
man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded
my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married
a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy
weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my
three children; one of which is a mistake as you can
see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago
and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will
be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will
this make any difference.

14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver
and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given
birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been
in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me
any good. If things don't improve I will have to send
for another doctor.

17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he
left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.[!-- / message --][!-- sig --]    

[Russ]

Two coal miners decided they worked to hard for a living.
They decided to go to college and get an education.
One worked days and the other nights.
So the one that worked nights went to the college to sign them both up.
After talking to a counselor, they decided to sign them up for Math 100, English 101, history 100, and Logic 100.
Night Shift said, "What's logic"
Counselor: "It's logical thinking, you won't have a problem it's common sense"
Night shift: "Like what?"
Counselor: "Well for example, Do you own a weedeater?"
Night Shift: "Yes"
Counselor: "Then I deduct that you are heterosexual."
Night shift: "OH Yeah. I love women and I have all my life. I gots a wife and two kids. Howd' you figure that out anyway?"
Counselor: "Well, I asked if you had a weedeater, you said yes. So I deducted that if you have a weedeater, then you have a yard. If you have a yard, then you have a house. If you have a house you have a family. If you have a family, that you are married. If you are married, you are heterosexual."
Night Shift: "Pretty slick there old counselor. I can't wait to start"

Night shift goes back home and told Day shift that he had them signed up for classes.
Day shifts says, "which classes?"
Night shift told him and Day shift asked, "what's logic?"
He started to explain, and then asked. "Well it's like this, Do you have a weedeater?"
Day shift said, "No."
Night shift said, "You're queer ain't ya?"

[Russ]

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[P.C.]

Phewwww!   I couldn't finish reading this joke.   [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/verschiedene/a064.gif" border=0]

[Michel]

 [span style="font-family: Verdana;"]    
[/span]

[Michel]

 [span style="font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-US"]   [/span][span style="font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-US"]
[/span]

[van_guy]

A woman is making small talk with a gentleman in a bar ...

"Sometimes I get really emotional after I make love" says the woman

"After the last time I made love to a woman I cried for almost an hour" replied the man.

"Really - were they happy tears or sad tears"

"Well actually it was from the mace"  

[Michel]

 [span style="font-weight: bold; color: maroon; font-family: Tahoma;"]    
[/span][p class="ecmsonormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"][font size="6" color="maroon" face="Tahoma"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: maroon; font-family: Tahoma;"][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p]

[P.C.]

HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!

  Are you sewing again Michel ?  

[maggot]

Q  What do you call a fly that can only walk

  A  A walk because it can only walk  

[Lil Me]

[font color="#000000" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"]Top Ten Slogans             Being Considered by Cialis
         
         10. "Cialis. The quicker dicker upper"
         9. "Here's the beef!"
         8. "Get a piece of the rock"
         7. "You've come a long way, baby"
         6. "Cialis, it plumps when you take 'em"
         5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
         4 ."Tastes great, more filling"
         3."Cialis, built ram tough"
         2. "Just do her"
       1."This is your penis. This is your penis on Cialis. Any questions?" ?[/font]  

[49er]

 [DIV class=ececmsonormal][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]A short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa.  Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face=Verdana size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [DIV class=ececmsonormal]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]The grandson wrote...  I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV class=ececmsonormal][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]"It makes your pecker look bigger." [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

[P.C.]

HAHAHAHAAAA.  

  And here I was waiting for some poignant gut wrenching ending.

[49er]

 [BLOCKQUOTE cite="" type="cite"][FONT face=Tahoma color=#000000]Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"[/FONT][/BLOCKQUOTE] [BLOCKQUOTE cite="" type="cite"][FONT face=Tahoma color=#000000]
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death[/FONT][/BLOCKQUOTE]

[Lil Me]

[font][font class="format"]The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle
or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of
course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised
it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"

      [/font][/font]