Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Michel]

     

   

[49er]

 [DIV class=EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]Fart Football[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=black][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3] [FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]An[/SPAN][/FONT] [FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]old married couple no sooner hit the pillows[/SPAN][/FONT]
 when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

 His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

 A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."

 After about five minutes the! old ma n lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

 Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
 "Touchdown, tie score."

 Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

 He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
 Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.

 The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

 The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

[purelife]

 [P class=ecmsonormal style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; MARGIN-LEFT: 0in; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: 5.0pt"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"The Day the Penis asked for a Raise"

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for all of the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for all of the
following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely,
V. Gina[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]

[P.C.]

LOL.....That's excellent purelife.  

[49er]

[FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]  The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall and looking faint.

  He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

  The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1202150040_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]cough syrup[/SPAN], so I   gave him an
entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

  The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to
cough!
[/FONT]

[P.C.]

Hmmm.  Alternative medicine.  [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]

    So who said blondes were dumb.

[Michel]

[span]    [/span]

[49er]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]The absolute best Little Johnnie joke[?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = XXML /][XXML:NAMESPACE ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" prefix="o"][/XXML:NAMESPACE][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][O:P][FONT size=3] [/FONT][/O:P][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.[/FONT][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"]
[FONT size=3]When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]family was invited over to see the baby.[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]with him and explained that the baby had no ears.[/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"]

[FONT size=3]His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f**ked if he[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]needed glasses".[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]

 

[Michel]

     
 

[purelife]

  TOO FUNNAY!  

[purelife]

[SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

[/SPAN][SPAN lang=FR-CA]Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Numb er 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . ..
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

[purelife]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

[49er]

[FONT face=Arial size=2] [/FONT]        [DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][SPAN style="BACKGROUND-POSITION: 0% 50%"][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=6][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 22pt; BACKGROUND: red"]BIRTHDAY REMINDER[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]This week we celebrate a special birthday ! [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#0000a0 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #0000a0; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#0000a0 size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #0000a0; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]  [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

    [DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Monica Lewinsky turned 34.[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

    [DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Can you believe it ?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

    [DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.  [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

[DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]They grow up so fast, don't they?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

[Michel]

   

[P.C.]

Great jokes everyone!!!!  purelife....I got a kick out of that one.  HAHAHHAHAA