Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

Started by Russ, Dec 14 06 01:24

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49er

 An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing  home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

  Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

  "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace,  "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

  Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she  replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

  The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his  Private Part hanging out his pajamas.  He met Nurse Tracy.

  "Mr.Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking  down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

  "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my  Private Part died."

  "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

  "Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."[/DIV][!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]

babyphat

[h2]Politics Explained[/h2]

   FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. [/p]  PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. [/p]  BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. [/p]  FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. [/p]  PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. [/p]  RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. [/p]  CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. [/p]  DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. [/p]  PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. [/p]  REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. [/p]  BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. [/p]  PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. [/p]  LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. [/p]  SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. [/p]  


Michel

 [font size="5" color="#0000ff" face="Comic Sans MS"][/font][font color="#0000ff" face="Comic Sans MS"]          
[/font]  

gentle fawn

[span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 255);"]HA HA TAHTS FUNY!!1!!1 OMG LOL SH3S SUCH A TRIXTAR!!!!11 OMG WTF LOL[/span]  

purelife

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]     [/SPAN]One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]On the front lawn were six old[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]unusual, wanted to stop but decided I'd better get my shopping[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]done.[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]lawn?"[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"]             [/SPAN]having a yard sale."[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]




purelife


Russ

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker: "How much do you charge? Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. Not even a televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every penny of $1,500."

The guy, still basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up! Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?

The guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"

The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pussy....."
Mercy to the Guilty is Torture to the Victims

P.C.

[A href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://longorshortcapital.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/pirate_kitten_011.jpg&imgrefurl=http://ontap.wordpress.com/&h=473&w=302&sz=32&hl=en&start=6&sig2=2k04j2MLQllT1KEKn4xCGQ&um=1&tbnid=ZlVP7GHsT9YGgM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=82&ei=zYMmR-EIhcaAA6KqnbII&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsurprised%2Bkitten%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3DGGLC,GGLC:1969-53,GGLC:en%26sa%3DN"][/A].[A href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://longorshortcapital.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/pirate_kitten_011.jpg&imgrefurl=http://ontap.wordpress.com/&h=473&w=302&sz=32&hl=en&start=6&sig2=2k04j2MLQllT1KEKn4xCGQ&um=1&tbnid=ZlVP7GHsT9YGgM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=82&ei=zYMmR-EIhcaAA6KqnbII&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsurprised%2Bkitten%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3DGGLC,GGLC:1969-53,GGLC:en%26sa%3DN"][/A]
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Michel


P.C.

HAHAHAAAA.......that could almost be a true story.  
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

goat

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horspower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of another of America's best bikes.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Schwinn, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

49er

[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'[/FONT] [FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN]  [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT face="comic sans ms" color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN]

[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT size=3]Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT size=3]Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT size=3]to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and then write a letter to God and tell Him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=!][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3][FONT face="comic sans ms"]LETTER 1:[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Dear God:[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]I have been a very good girl this year and would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Your friend, [/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Carol[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"] [/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not [/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"]been a very good girl this [/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"]year, so s[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"]he tore up the letter and started over.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans   ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]LETTER 2:[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Dear God,[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]I have been a pretty good girl this year and would like a red bike for my birthday.[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Your friend,[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Carol[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Carol knew this wasn't true either, so she tore up that letter and began again.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=3] [/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT size=4][FONT face="comic sans ms"]LETTER 3:[/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms"]Dear God:[/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms"]I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"] will be [/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"]a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT size=4][FONT face="comic sans ms"]Thank you[/FONT],[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]Carol[/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to got to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad[/FONT].[/FONT]

[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary,  slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][FONT face="comic sans ms"]LETTER 4:[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"] [/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.[/FONT]

[/FONT][FONT size=5][FONT face="comic sans ms"]Signed,[/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="Courier   New"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]YOU KNOW WHO[/FONT] [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]

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