Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Gopher]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
 
 The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
 
 A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
 
 The boy, bless his heart, answered;
 
 "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', Well, I guess I just panicked."  

[49er]

     [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Nursing Home Sex [/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV]

       [DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt"]   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior  Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a  secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his  accomplishments and long life. [/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

 [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]One evening, Mildred,  age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and  before they know it, several hours have passed. [/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV]

 [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]After  a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, [/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV]

   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Do you know what I miss most of  all?" [/SPAN][/FONT]



     [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]She asks, "What?" [/SPAN][/FONT]



     [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Sex!!" he  replies. [/SPAN][/FONT]



     [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Mildred exclaims, "Why you [SPAN id=lw_1241109770_19 class=yshortcuts]old fart[/SPAN]. You  couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your  head!" [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"I know," Harold says, "but it would be  nice if a woman could just hold it for a  while." [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who  unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to  hold it. [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly  each night in the garden where they would sit and talk  and Mildred would hold Harold's  manhood. [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
Then one night Harold didn't show up at  their usual meeting place. [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Alarmed, Mildred decided  to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked  around the [SPAN id=lw_1241109770_20 class=yshortcuts]Senior Citizen[/SPAN] Home where she found him  sitting by [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]the pool with Ethel, another female  resident, who was holding Harold's  manhood! [/SPAN][/FONT]



   [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing  creep! What does Ethel have that I don't  have?" [/SPAN][/FONT]



  [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Old Harold smiled happily and replied,  "Parkinson's."[/SPAN][/FONT]

    [FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

[Gopher]

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
  "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."
 
 The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked .. "Is that one word or two?"  

[49er]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 
[FONT size=5]What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?[/FONT]

  Juan on Juan
 

  [FONT size=5]What is a Yankee? [/FONT]

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


  [FONT size=5]What is the difference between a Harley and a  Hoover  ? [/FONT]

The position of the dirt bag

  [FONT size=5]Why is divorce so expensive? [/FONT]

Because it's worth it.  
 
[FONT size=5] What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? [/FONT]

  Doughnuts
 

[FONT size=5]Why is air a lot like sex? [/FONT]

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any..
 

[FONT size=5]What do you call a smart blonde? [/FONT]

A golden retriever.
 

[FONT size=5]What do attorneys use for birth control? [/FONT]

Their personalities.
 

[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? [/FONT]

10 years and 45 lbs
 

[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? [/FONT]

  45 minutes
 

[FONT size=5]What's the fastest way to a man's heart? [/FONT]

Through his chest with a sharp knife

  [FONT size=5]Why do men want to marry virgins? [/FONT]

They can't stand criticism.


[FONT size=5]Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?[/FONT]

Because those men already have boyfriends.

    [FONT size=5]What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? [/FONT]

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
 

[FONT size=5]Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? [/FONT]

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 

[FONT size=5]Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? [/FONT]

  Because they have cotton balls.

  [FONT size=5]What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? [/FONT]

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 

[FONT size=5]What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? [/FONT]

'Are you sure it's mine?'
 

[FONT size=5]Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? [/FONT]

Mace will do that to you.
 

[FONT size=5]Why did OJ Simpson want to move to  West Virginia  ? [/FONT]

Everyone has the same DNA.
 

[FONT size=5]Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? [/FONT]

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
 

[FONT size=5]Where does an Irish family go on vacation? [/FONT]

A different bar.
 
 

[FONT size=5]Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a blonde baby? [/FONT]

They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

 
[FONT size=5]What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?[/FONT]

A speech impediment


[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?[/FONT]

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
 

[FONT size=5]How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? [/FONT]

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?[/FONT]

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

[van_guy]

[font style="font-family: arial narrow;" size="4"][/font][div][div][div style="font-family: arial narrow;"][/div] [p style="font-family: arial narrow;"][font color="black" size="4"][span style="color: black;"]Old Harold smiled happily and replied,  "Parkinson's."
 [/span][/font][/p] [p style="font-family: arial narrow;"][font color="black" size="4"][span style="color: black;"]49er you are going to hell for that one ....
 [/span][/font] [/p]  [div]
 [font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font] [/p][/div][/div][/div]
 

[Gopher]

[table id="post88852" class="tborder" align="center" border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr valign="top"][td class="alt1" id="td_post_88852" style="border-right: 1px solid rgb(209, 209, 225);"][div id="post_message_88852"]Body: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
 
 "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
 happen."
 
 "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
 
 "I should be in charge," said the stomach ," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
 
 "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
 
 "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
 
 "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
 
 All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
 
 Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
 
 The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
 
 
 The @$$hole is usually in charge[/div]       [!-- / message --]                                        [/td] [/tr] [tr] [td class="alt1" style="border-right: 1px solid rgb(209, 209, 225);" valign="bottom"]               
[/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]  

[Michel]

   
 

[49er]

A  woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  

  She seductively  signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

  'Are  you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

  'Actually, no,' he replied.

  'Can  you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

  'I'm  afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

  'Yes,  I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger  across the

bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

  'What  should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

  'Tell  him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room.'    

[P.C.]

EEEEWWWWWWWWWAH !!!!!

[49er]

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

                        No matter what language you speak or where you go:

                             BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE IS ONE SMART WOMAN!

[Gopher]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
 
 One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
 
 The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
 
 The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
 
 The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
 
 After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
 
   

[Gopher]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
 
 The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
 
 The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
 
 The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
 
 St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
 
 "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
 
 St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
 
 The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."  

[Gopher]

[div class="smallfont"]                          Feel good....          [/div]          [hr style="color: rgb(209, 209, 225);" size="1"]          [!-- / icon and title --]                     [!-- message --]       [div id="post_message_91874"]There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
 
 One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
 
 He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
 
 He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
 
 The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy... my balls itch."[/div]  

[LORD BYRON]

one day a woman recieves a compliment about her hair smelling nice from a coworker
upon hearing this she grows enraged and storms off into her bosses office and says shes quiting and is filing asexual harassment lawsuit

'oh come on " say her boss"what wrong with saying someones hair smells nice"?

"he was a f*ckin midget" lol

[Gopher]

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day.
 
 He was delighted, as was his wife.
 
 But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned.
 
 He was having problems dressing and even walking.
 
 So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
 
 "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
 
 "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
 
 "Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"