Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Gopher]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
 
 Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
 
 Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
 
 Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
 
 Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
 
 She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
 
 He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
 
 The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,
 and he was in his birthday suit-
 but now he was wearing a black condom.
 
 She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
 
 He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."  

[Teh Lise]

 [TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Off to Vegas[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!' [/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]

[Teh Lise]

 [TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Math Lesson[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]

[Teh Lise]

Of course, now you know how bored I am at work.........

       [TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Growing Wild[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]

[P.C.]

LOL on the Math Lesson.  Priceless Lise.    

[49er]

[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]Three Hillbillies are a settin' on a porch shootin' the breeze.[/SPAN][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1246399453_52 class=yshortcuts]Hillbilly[/SPAN] says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
 
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]them new fangled warshin ' machines!'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
 
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar![/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
 
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker!'[/SPAN][/FONT]

[49er]

and since we're still on the subject of the pee-pee, here is another one.............

    [DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach [SPAN id=lw_1246470174_50 class=yshortcuts]good manners[/SPAN], asked her students the  following question: [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? [/SPAN]  
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The teacher responded by saying,[/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] 'That would  be rude and impolite.  [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'  [/SPAN]

[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]

[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Sherman[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] said,
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]I'll be right back.'[/SPAN]

[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]

[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.  And you, little
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'  [/SPAN]
 
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]I would say Darling, may I please be excused  for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'  [/SPAN]
 

[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]

[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The teacher fainted.[/SPAN]

[Lise]

LOL. Good one. Here's one because it's Canada Day.

    An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."  

[Gopher]

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
 tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
 client.
 
 The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
 is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
 ...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
 dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
 So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
 under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
 diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
 The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
 problem!! I have. I have."
 
 Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I
 want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
 want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
 The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
 calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
 his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
 
 Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
 she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to
 think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
 her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I
 want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
 The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
 his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
 dialect.
 
 Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
 really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
 cut."  

[Gopher]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
 
 As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
 
 COLD BEER: $2.00
 
 HAMBURGER: $2.25
 
 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
 
 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
 
 HAND JOB: $50.00
 
 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
 
 She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
 
 "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
 
 The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
 
 She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
 
 The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".  

[P.C.]

That went a different direction than expected.  Excellent !!!!  

[van_guy]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve." "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"

[Gopher]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
 
 A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.
 
 Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
 
 The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
 
 The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
 
 She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
 
 The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'
 
 Happy Gardening.  

[van_guy]

OK OK I know he's dead and these are now very inappropriate - but still ... ha ha

Why does Michael Jackson relate so well to children?
He knows how they feel.

What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health spa?
I feel like a new boy.

Where does Michael Jackson look for dates?
Boys 'R Us.

[Orik]

Van_guy you're right, that they are inaproriate but you are wrong about them being funny, they're just disturbing.