Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

49er · Dec 07 08 05:55

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do
you love doing that?'
> >
> >
> >
> >
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

49er · Dec 10 08 07:44

[FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN]What Religion is Your [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1228966880_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Bra[/SPAN]?[/SPAN] [/FONT][/FONT] [P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4]A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]'[/FONT][/SPAN]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT size=3][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]What type of bra?' asked the clerk.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]
[/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bookman Old Style', serif"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"].'[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4] Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple....[/FONT][/SPAN]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"]The Catholic type[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]supports the masses;[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]The Salvation Army type[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]lifts the fallen;[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]The Presbyterian type[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]keeps them staunch and upright; and[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]The Baptist type[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]makes mountains out of mole[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]hills.'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana, sans-serif"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4]Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed![/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"](A)[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Almost Boobs...[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(B) Barely there...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(C) Can't Complain!...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(D) Dang!...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(DD) Double dang!...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(E) Enormous[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]!...[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(F) Fake...[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(255,0,128); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: rgb(255,0,128); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bookman Old Style', serif"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4]( G) Get a Reduction...[/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: 'Brad ley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(H) Help me, I've fallen[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]and I can't get up!...[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

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[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]They forgot the German bra.[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana, sans-serif"]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"]Holtzemfromfloppen[/SPAN][/SPAN]

P.C. · Dec 10 08 07:52

Hahahahahahaaaaa !

[FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial]A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "What?"
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial][/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial]So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care.[/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial]
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."[/FONT]
[/FONT]

Michel · Dec 16 08 11:27

P.C. · Dec 16 08 11:33

lol....cute, Michel.

Michel · Dec 16 08 11:51

P.C. · Dec 16 08 12:04

Yes....yes indeed. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/verschiedene/c010.gif" border=0]

Michel · Dec 16 08 12:06

purelife · Dec 16 08 01:53

[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 12pt"][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary..
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

=====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station...

And then the fight started....

=====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]go
home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

===============================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand
she[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...[/SPAN][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p]

Michel · Dec 17 08 04:19

[span class="normalTextSmall"]
[/span]

49er · Jan 06 09 02:55

An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring. The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1231282429_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]old man[/SPAN] said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'[/DIV][FONT face="Goudy Old Style" color=#0000ff size=4][/FONT]
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

' Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so
I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

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Orik · Jan 06 09 04:34

LMFAO ohh my god how positively delightful, so devious and positively brilliant... thanks 49er blessings for that great bit of laughter

Michel · Jan 13 09 10:10

P.C. · Jan 13 09 10:35

OMG....LOL

I seem to be pretty good at zeroing in on the nude dude. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]

Michel · Jan 13 09 10:38