Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

Started by Russ, Dec 14 06 01:24

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purelife

[SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon"]CDC[/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon"] (Center for Disease Control Alert)[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: black"]The[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]Center for Disease Control has issued a [FONT face="Times New Roman"]medical alert[/FONT] about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is
transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus
is called [FONT face="Times New Roman"]W[/FONT]eekly [FONT face="Times New Roman"]O[/FONT]verload [FONT face="Times New Roman"]R[/FONT]ecreational [FONT face="Times New Roman"]K[/FONT]iller (WORK).  If
you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or
anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.  
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.  If
you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately
leave the premises.[/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] THE CURE FOR THIS HORRIFIC DISEASE:[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]  [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]
[/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=black][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]You must [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA] Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - [/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]W[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]ork [FONT face="Times New Roman"]I[/FONT]solating [FONT face="Times New Roman"]N[/FONT]eutralizer [FONT face="Times New Roman"]E[/FONT]xtract  (WINE) [/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]and[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman"][SPAN lang=EN-CA]B[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]othersome [FONT face="Times New Roman"]E[/FONT]mployer [FONT face="Times New Roman"]E[/FONT]limination [FONT face="Times New Roman"]R[/FONT]ebooter  (BEER).  [/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]Take the antidote [FONT face="Times New Roman"]repeatedly[/FONT] until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]


Michel


P.C.

MDR !   That's so cute.....in a twisted sort of way.
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Michel


P.C.

                                                                                           [FONT color=#ffffff]  .[/FONT]
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Russ


 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
 
 1. Teaching Math In 1950s
 
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
 
 2. Teaching Math In 1960s
 
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
 3. Teaching Math In 1970s
 
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
 
 4. Teaching Math In 1980s
 
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
 5. Teaching Math In 1990s
 
 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
 
 6. Teaching Math In 2008
 
 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?  
Mercy to the Guilty is Torture to the Victims

P.C.

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #bfffdf"]Your assignment: Underline the number 20.[/FONT]
[FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #bfffdf"]
[/FONT]

  LOL.  That's priceless Russ !  (I particularly liked this one ^ )
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Lil Me

A woman was in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cooking aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
 
  Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy."
 
  Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "its OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there."
 
  At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
 
  Very impressed, the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."
 
  "Thank, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Johnny."  
"In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it."  Robert Heinlein

P.C.

Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

49er

Physicians' Opinions of the Washington's Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_0]Dermatologists[/SPAN] advised not to make
any rash moves.

The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_1 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Gastroenterologists[/SPAN] had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_2 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Neurologists[/SPAN] thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_3 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Obstetricians[/SPAN] felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_4 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Ophthalmologists[/SPAN] considered the idea shortsighted; the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_5]Pathologists[/SPAN] yelled,
'Over my dead body!' while the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_6]Pediatricians[/SPAN] said, 'Oh, Grow
up!'

The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_7]Psychiatrists[/SPAN] thought the whole idea was madness, the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_8]Radiologists[/SPAN] could
see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_9]Plastic
Surgeons[/SPAN] said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_10]Urologists[/SPAN] felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.

The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_11 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Anesthesiologists[/SPAN] thought the whole idea was a gas, and the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_12 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Cardiologists[/SPAN]
didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a**holes in
Washington .
 

49er

Secret of a Happy Marriage



At  Saint Rocco's [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_0]Catholic Church[/SPAN] they have  a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the  session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was  approaching his [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_1 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #dceeff"]50th   wedding anniversary[/SPAN], to take a  few minutes & share some insight  into  how he had managed to stay married to the same  woman all these years.  

Luigi replied  to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to  treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but  besta of alla is that I tooka her to [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_2]Italy[/SPAN] for  the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_3 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]25th  anniversary[/SPAN]!"

[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_4]The  Priest[/SPAN] responded,  "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the  husbands here! Please tell us what you are  planning for your wife for  your [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_5]50th  anniversary[/SPAN]."

Luigi  proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get  her!"


Michel

 [span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif';"]    
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P.C.

That's funny...... in a sad kind of way.  [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Orik

sighs... to true not funny
just very sad...

 
Never give up Never surrender Fight with ur last breath Fight 2 live & Fight 2 survive. Never say never & never say die. There comes a time when all will die A time we transcend & attain our place afterlife. My Fight is not yet done, I'm tired & I'd like to go home, But I'm not ready to go just yet.

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