Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Ha]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. [/p]'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' [/p]'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' [/p]'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' [/p]  

[Michel]

     

[Michel]

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[P.C.]

 [H1 class=firstHeading]Dead Donkey[/H1] Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

 Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for the government.

   

[Michel]

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[purelife]

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[Michel]

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[Michel]

     

[Michel]

       

[Gopher]

Breaking news from the east re. the financial crisis

  The Origami Bank of Japan has folded

The Karoake Bank is going for a song

Shares in the The Kamekze Bank have nosedived

Staff at the Karate Bank have been chopped

[Lise]

 




A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

[purelife]

I was driving behind a car and the back windshield was dirty...dirty enough for someone to write on it with finger.  It said:  I wish my wife was this dirty
 

[Michel]

   

[Lise]

 

 [FONT color=#ff0000 size=7]Apology to Americans[/FONT]

 On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

 I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

 I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you have 10 times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you would never do that.

 I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As a way of our apology, please accept all of our Canadian NHL teams, which one by one are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

 I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: Everyone knew he had weapons.

 I'm sorry we burnt down your White-House during the war of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

 I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Lover Boy, the song from Sheriff that ends with the high pitched end note, your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

 And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this, because, we've seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with. For 22 Minutes, I'm Anthony St.Joseph, I'm Canadian. And I'm sorry.

[49er]

Investment tips for 2008


With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Lehman Bros[/SPAN] and acquisition of [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_1]Merrill Lynch[/SPAN] by Bank of  America this might be some [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_2]good advice[/SPAN].  For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
 
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
 
 1.  Hale Business Systems, [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_3]Mary Kay Cosmetics[/SPAN], Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:  


 Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 2.  PolyGram Records, [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_4]Warner Bros[/SPAN]., and [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_5 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Zesta Crackers[/SPAN] join forces and become:


 Poly, Warner Cracker.

 3.  3M will merge with Goodyear and become:


 MMMGood.

 4.  Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
 

 ZipAudiDoDa.

 5.  FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and  become:


FedUP.

6.  Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will  become:


 Fairwell [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_6]Honeychild[/SPAN].

 7.  [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_7]Grey Poupon[/SPAN] and [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_8]Docker Pants[/SPAN] are expected to become:


PouponPants.
 
 8.  Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:


 Knott NOW!

 And finally...
 
 9. Victoria 's Secret and [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_9]Smith &Wesson[/SPAN] will merge  under the new name:


 TittyTittyBangBang