Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

Started by Russ, Dec 14 06 01:24

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Russ

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal belongings.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."    
Mercy to the Guilty is Torture to the Victims


purelife

[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

5. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course I attended."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just
in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK.

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."[/SPAN]


van_guy

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.[/div]  [div]
Russ, That is a VERY VERY funny joke - did you ever meet the woman i date before I met LM?  Well let me tell ya - she'd go to floor six 3,000 times just to make sure then - she'd cimb out the window onto the fire escape - up onto the roof ...but alas i digress ...

 
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness (Mark Twain)


purelife

I wonder if there's a joke for the reverse roles.  A man visiting the floors for his girl.

P.C.

I'm guessing the first floor would be mighty busy because they probably didn't bother to read the instructions.
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Michel

 [span style="font-family: 'Courier New';"]
[/span][p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0mm 0mm 0pt;"][span style="font-family: 'Courier New';" lang="EN-US"]   [/span][span style="font-family: 'Courier New';" lang="EN-US"]
[/span][/p]
 

van_guy

Michel wrote:
Oh yeah, [SPAN style="FONT-STYLE: italic; TEXT-DECORATION: underline"]that[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-STYLE: italic"] [/SPAN]girl, I remember her. I was number 2 357. Please to meet you number 3001. lol  

 So you know Susan????  Small small world.


 
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness (Mark Twain)

van_guy

purelife wrote:
 I wonder if there's a joke for the reverse roles.  A man visiting the floors for his girl.

  Purelife,

I think you over estimate us ... i would hazzard a guess that 50% of my kind wouldn't make it past the "likes to watch hockey and other sports on TV / is OK with you drinking beer with your buddies" floor ... barely 25% would make it past the "likes to watch hockey and other sports on TV / is OK with you drinking beer with your buddies / is a sexual maniac" floor.
 
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness (Mark Twain)

49er


 [META] [FONT face=Tahoma]FAST SEX

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot  
girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll  
give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at  
him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you  
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her  
boyfriend... So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really  
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his  
girlfriend's call.    Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls  
and asks "What happened...?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

* Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's  
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
[/FONT]


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P.C.

LOL....very good 49er.  Sounds like another pitch for getting rid of pennies ? (or is it for keeping pennies)

Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Lise

Got this in the mail, this morning. Funny.

  [FONT color=#002060 size=4]9 WORDS WOMEN USE [/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]
(1) [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Fine: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]

[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](2) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Five Minutes: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]

[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](3) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Nothing: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]

[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](4) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Go Ahead: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]

[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](5) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Loud Sigh: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]

[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](6) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]That's Okay: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]
(7) [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Thanks: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]

[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](8) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Whatever: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]Is a women's way of saying [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][A title=vny!:// href="vny!://" target=_blank][SPAN style="COLOR: #003399"]F*cK [/SPAN][/A][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]YOU! [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]
(9) [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #002060"]Don't worry about it, I got it: [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology. [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true. [/SPAN][/SPAN]
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby.


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