Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[purelife]

  oh too funny!

[49er]

 [DIV class=gmail_quote] [DIV lang=EN-US style="WORD-WRAP: break-word" vlink="blue" link="blue" bgcolor="white"]  [FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; COLOR: black"]GOOD IRISH HUMOR[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Helvetica color=black size=1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Helvetica"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

 [DIV vlink="purple" link="blue" bgcolor="white"]   [FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]



 [BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"]  [BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"]  [P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" [SCRIPT][!-- D(["mb","\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe man said, \u0026quot;I do, Father.\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eThe priest said, \u0026quot;Then stand over there against the wall.\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThen the priest asked the second man, \u0026quot;Do you want to go to heaven?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Certainly, Father,\u0026quot; was the man\u0026#39;s reply.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Then stand over there against the wall,\u0026quot; said the priest.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThen Father Murphy walked up to O\u0026#39;Toole and said, \u0026quot;Do you want to go to heaven?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eO\u0026#39;Toole said, \u0026quot;No, I don\u0026#39;t Father.\u0026quot;\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eThe priest said, \u0026quot;I don\u0026#39;t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don\u0026#39;t want to go to heaven?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eO\u0026#39;Toole said, \u0026quot;Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp style\u003d\"text-align:center\" align\u003d\"center\"\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"3\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:12pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e***\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv\u003e\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:12pt;text-align:center\" align\u003d\"center\"\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"3\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:12pt;color:black\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold;font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003eGallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Did you see the paper?\u0026quot; asked Gallagher. \u0026quot;They say I died!!\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Yes, I saw it!\u0026quot; replied Finney.   \u0026quot;Where are ye callin\u0026#39; from?\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e",1] );  //--][/SCRIPT]  [SPAN] [/SPAN]

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.[SPAN] [/SPAN]

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."[SPAN] [/SPAN]

The priest said, "I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

 [P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Arial color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]***[/SPAN][/FONT]

  [P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.[SPAN] [/SPAN]

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.   "Where are ye callin' from?"[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2] [SCRIPT][!-- D(["mb","\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e***\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\u003eAn Irish priest is driving down to\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003eNew York\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003eand gets stopped for speeding in\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003eConnecticut\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e.   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest\u0026#39;s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eHe says, \u0026quot;Sir, have you been drinking?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Just water,\u0026quot; says the priest.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe trooper says, \u0026quot;Then why do I smell wine?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe priest looks at the bottle and says, \u0026quot;Good Lord! He\u0026#39; s done it again!\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e****\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\u003eWalking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, \u0026quot;Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.\u0026quot;\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Oh yeah?\u0026quot; said Charlie, \u0026quot;And how did this one end?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;When it was over,\u0026quot; Mike replied, \u0026quot;She came to me on her hands and knees.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Really,\u0026quot; said Charles, \u0026quot;Now that\u0026#39;s a switch!   What did she say?\u0026quot;\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe said, \u0026quot;Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e***\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\u003eFlynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.",1] );  //--][/SCRIPT] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]***[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]


[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]An Irish priest is driving down to[SPAN] [/SPAN]New York[SPAN] [/SPAN]and gets stopped for speeding in[SPAN] [/SPAN]Connecticut[SPAN] [/SPAN].   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.[SPAN] [/SPAN]

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He' s done it again!"[/SPAN][SPAN] [/SPAN]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]****[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]


[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."[SPAN] [/SPAN]

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!   What did she say?"[SPAN] [/SPAN]

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."[/SPAN][SPAN] [/SPAN]


[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]***[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]

[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. [SCRIPT][!-- D(["mb","\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHe tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eManaging not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his ! butt   cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eHe then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIn the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eShe said, \u0026quot;You were drunk again last night weren\u0026#39;t you?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFlynn said, \u0026quot;Why you say such a mean thing?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Well,\u0026quot; Mary said, \u0026quot;it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it\u0026#39;s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/blockquote\u003e\u003c/blockquote\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/blockquote\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n",0] );  //--][/SCRIPT]  [SPAN] [/SPAN]

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.[SPAN] [/SPAN]

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his ! butt   cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.[SPAN] [/SPAN]

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.[SPAN] [/SPAN]

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
 [SCRIPT][!-- D(["ce"]);  //--][/SCRIPT]

[49er]

 


[BLOCKQUOTE class=replbq style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: rgb(16,16,255) 2px solid; COLOR: rgb(255,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: comic sans ms"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: rgb(16,16,255) 2px solid"][FONT size=2]A  man robs a bank and takes hostages.  He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".

The hostage answers, "Yes".

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.  
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.  

The hostage answers, "No...but my wife did".[/FONT][/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV]

[michaelday77]

[span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255); font-weight: bold;"][/span]a kid is wated one weekend and loses his LSD in his grandmothers house....after days of searching he finally had to own up...[br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"]the kid  asks his grandmother "hey, grandma, have you seen my bottle of liquid LSD??"



 Grandma says, "fu*k that! have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??!"[/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"]
[/span]  

[Michel]

   

[Sportsdude]

 You Know You're from Missouri If:
1. Everyone you know has been on a "Float trip" (apparently these are illegal in B.C. lol)
2. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Branson, or Six Flags. (or a Cardinal baseball game)
3. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. (I went to school 30mins from home)
4. Down south to you means Arkansas. (for southern missourians)
5. You know several people who have hit a deer. (who hasn't, there's more deer then people)
6. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end. (true for everyone except people living in Columbia, St. Louis, KC. That's where the intelligent people live)
7. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. (typical missouri weather)
8. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." (i don't believe it, but most mizzer-ahs do)
9. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. (who doesn't)
10. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year. (no vancouver idling fine in missouri lol)
11. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football. (mizzou-rah! the little football team that could, for basketball its beating Kansas)
12. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" (I've said "at" at the end of my sentences when speaking for as long as I can remember)
13. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain. (that's mizzourah culture, missoureeans don't partake in their customs)
14. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. (this is so weird, you think these people have lost their marbles)
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that
everyone else should. (of course, you know we all drive "merican" cars)
16. You went to skating parties as a kid. (yup)
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. (another mizzourah culture trait)
18. The local paper covers national and international
headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. (If the cardinals were in the World Series and a terrorist attack happened, Cardinals would be the more pressing issue)
19. You think that deer season is a national holiday. (who doesn't, at least we have 2 weeks, Illinos has 3 days)
20. You get out to school for deer season. (I don't, but the rural people do)
21. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm. (the great missourian past time)
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. (lol)
23. You've ever said, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity." (indeed, its not the heat that kills around here, but the humidity. "oh the humidity today was atrocious")
24. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,
Still Summer, and Construction. (haha)
25. You know if another Missourian is from the bootheel, ozarks, eastern, middle or western Missouri soon as they open their mouth. (sadly true, their accents are noticable, the changes in saying the state's name, etc)
26. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. (rural)
27. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLLS' means!!! (yup)
28. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. (no the rural people have the accent, damn southerners)
You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is. (yes i do)
29. You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport. (rural)
30. You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance. (who doesn't)
31. You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather. (sort of)
32. There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it. (of course, tornadoes are an event)
33. The local gas station sells live bait. (duh)
34. Your radio buttons are preset buttons are country. (not mine but most, sadly yes)

   

[kitten]

VERY funny, SD.   I like #14 especially.

[Sportsdude]

Its true. lol lots of people just leave their garage doors open during the night.


 

[Sportsdude]

when storms like this come by a lot during the summer, of course we'll be on the front porch.


 

[Russ]

This made me choke on my coffee. I tried imagining my 95 year old grandma saying that.

 michaelday77 wrote:
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][/SPAN][FONT color=#000000][FONT color=#000000]a kid is wated one weekend and loses his LSD in his grandmothers house....after days of searching he finally had to own up...[BR style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][SPAN style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"]the kid  asks his grandmother "hey, grandma, have you seen my bottle of liquid LSD??"  Grandma says, "fu*k that! have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??!"[/SPAN][/FONT][BR style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][/FONT][BR style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][SPAN style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"]
[/SPAN]  


 

[Russ]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What are Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

[Lise]

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist      Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it    

[Lise]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

[weird al]

guy on the street:   "Hey lady, you got one tit hangin' out!"

  lady :   "Oh shit I left my kid on the bus!"

[49er]

  [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT id=role_document face=Tahoma color=red size=7][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]THE ITALIAN ELBOW[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]

 [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=green size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=green size=6][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"What . . . . . .. .. You gonna come empty handed?"[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]