Subject: [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]George Carlin[/SPAN][/SPAN]'s New Rules for 2007
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know,
> it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for
> babies and new homes and graduations from
> rehab.
> Picking out the stuff you want and having other
> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
> the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> [A href="http://classmates.com/" target=_blank rel=nofollow][SPAN id=lw_1190094124_1][FONT color=#003399]classmates.com[/FONT][/SPAN][/A]! There's a reason you don't
> talk to people for 25 years.
> Because you don't particularly like them!
> Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days ---
> mowing my lawn.
>
> > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to
> you out a window unless you're
> > a seagull. People are acting all shocked that
> a human finger was found in a
> > bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less
> than a dollar. What did you expect
> > it to contain? Lobster?
>
> >
> > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who
> have sex with their hot, blonde
> > teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
> better description for these
> > kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
> >
>
> > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
> collect baseball cards, you're
> > a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep
> sakes of your idols. If you're a
> > grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>
> > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
> Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
>
>
> > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured
> water. There's a whole aisle of
> > this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
> without that watery taste. Sorry,
> > but flavoured water is called a soft drink.
> You want flavoured water? Pour
> > some scotch over ice and let it melt That's
> your flavoured water.
>
>
> > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.
> [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_1 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Target[/SPAN] is introducing a redesigned
> > pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
> label. And the top is now the
> > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
> how to open it, his ass will be
> > in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
> just solved the Social Security
> > crisis.
>
>
> > New Rule: The more complicated the [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"]Starbucks[/SPAN]
> order, the bigger the a**hole.
> > If you walk into a [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_3 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"]Starbucks[/SPAN] and order a
> 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
> > fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> cappuccino, extra dry, light
> > ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
> NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
> > a**hole.
>
>
> > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
> look up from sliding my card,
> > entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
> verifying the amount, deciding,
> > no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing
> 'Enter' again, the kid who is
> > supposed to be ringing me up is standing
> there eating my Almond Joy.
>
> > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has
> Chinese characters in it doesn't make
> > you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of
> your ass. And it translates to
> > 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were
> > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
> not spiritual. You're just high.
>
>
> > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.
> It's one of the seven deadly
> > sins. ESPN Recently televised the [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_4 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]U.S Open[/SPAN][/SPAN] of
> Competitive Eating, because
> > watching those athletes at the poker table
> was just too damned exciting.
> > What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
> they're already doing that. It's
> > called '[SPAN id=lw_1190094124_5 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_3 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]The Howard Stern Show[/SPAN][/SPAN].'
>
>
> > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If
> I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
> > I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>
> > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
> movies based on crappy old
> > television shows, then you have to give
> everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
> > we can see what's playing on the other
> screens. Let's remember the reason
> > something was a television show in the first
> place is that the idea wasn't
> > good enough to be a movie.
>
>
> > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No
> more bathroom attendants. After I
> > zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
> mint like I just had sex with
> > George Michael. I can't even tell If he's
> supposed to be there, or just some
> > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
> your webcam, Dude. I just want to
> > wash my hands.
>
>
> > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
> I don't need to hear '27
> > months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's
> not a cheese. And I didn't
> > really care in the first place.
>
>
> > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible
> adult and want a job that pays
> > better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake
> don't pierce or tattoo every
> > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan
> your future around saying, 'Do
> > you want fries with that?'
