Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Michel]

ahah the egg one, zou send to all my colleagues !

[Lise]

 [H1]Ma and Pa[/H1]

  Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her chest and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."

A short while later, Pa grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."

Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."[!-- This page was viewed on Buzzle.com on 8/13/2007 4:28:13 PM. More info: URL accessed: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/2-19-2001-2419.asp HTTP_USER_AGENT: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1) REMOTE_ADDR: 216.232.63.170 REMOTE_HOST: 216.232.63.170  Copyright 2000 Buzzle.com All rights reserved --]

[Michel]

ok a clean one now :

  [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]RETARDED GRANDPARENTS [/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=maroon size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very we ll.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

They go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. [/SPAN][/FONT]

[Michel]

 [FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 18px"]Hillbilly vasectomy[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 18px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 18px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]children.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]The doctor told him that there was a procedure called[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]can up to your ear and count to 10."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]to help me."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"Trust me," said the doctor.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]began to count![/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"1"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"2"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"3"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"4"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"5"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]At which point he paused, placed the beer can[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]between his legs and continued counting on his[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]other hand.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]Louisiana, Arkansas, Texas, Mississippi, Missouri,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]North Carolina, West Virginia and[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]Washington DC .[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

[Michel]

[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]The Purina Diet
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]dogs
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]if I
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]had a dog........  Duh!
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]no, I
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]probably
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]time,
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]my
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]orifices and IV's in both arms.  Her eyes about bugged
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]out
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]of her head.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]totally buying it I told her that it was an easy,
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]your
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]one or
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]two every time you feel hungry. The package said the
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]food is
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I have to mention here that practically everyone in
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]the line
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]tall guy
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]behind her.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]hospital.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]my butt
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]when a car hit me.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]out
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]the door, so much he was laughing.[/SPAN]

[Michel]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"Yes," he says. "I was in [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:country-region w:st="on"][st1:place w:st="on"]Vietnam[/st1:place][/st1:country-region] for three years."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"[/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"This is a government job" the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in[/SPAN][/FONT]

[Michel]

[FONT face="Courier New"]A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is
asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain
out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember about
three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and
you should be ashamed of
yourself!"

So, the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.[/FONT]

[Michel]

 [DIV style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"] [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Senior's Physical Exam
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]jar home and bring  back a semen sample tomorrow."

[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and < BR gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]doctor asked what happened and the man explained: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]"Well, doc, it's like  this - [/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]  First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]left hand, but still Nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]still nothing. [/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]it between her knees, but still nothing."

[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The old man replied, "Yep.   But none of us could get the jar open."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

[/DIV]

[P.C.]

 [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]A husband and wife came for [SPAN class=SpellE]counseling[/SPAN] after 15 years of marriage.
     When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
[SPAN class=SpellE][SPAN class=GramE]passionate,[/SPAN]painful[/SPAN] tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
[SPAN class=GramE]years[/SPAN] they had been married.
  She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
[SPAN class=GramE]loneliness[/SPAN], feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
[SPAN class=GramE]needs[/SPAN] she had endured over the course of their marriage.[/SPAN][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
  Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
[SPAN class=SpellE][SPAN class=GramE]time,[/SPAN]the[/SPAN] therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
[SPAN class=GramE]wife[/SPAN] to [SPAN class=SpellE]stand,embraced[/SPAN] and kissed her passionately.
    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
[SPAN class=GramE]therapist[/SPAN] turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
[SPAN class=GramE]least[/SPAN] three times a week. Can you do this?"
  The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
[SPAN class=GramE]here[/SPAN] on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="mso-no-proof: yes"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]

[49er]

Here is what women think of us guys.........

  [FONT face=Verdana]1. Men are like [SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]..[FONT color=#9933cc][SPAN style="COLOR: #9933cc"]Laxatives[/SPAN][/FONT] [/SPAN]..... They irritate the crap out of you.[/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]2. Men are like.[FONT color=#ff99ff][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #ff99ff"]Bananas[/SPAN][/FONT] The older they get, the less firm they are.[/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]3. Men are like [FONT color=#6699ff][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #6699ff"]Weather[/SPAN][/FONT] Nothing can be done to change them.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]4. Men are like ....[FONT color=#6633cc][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #6633cc"]Blenders[/SPAN][/FONT] You need One, but you're not quite sure why.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]5. Men are like ....[FONT color=#990000][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #990000"]Chocolate Bars[/SPAN][/FONT] .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]6. Men are like ....[FONT color=#cc3333][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #cc3333"]Commercials[/SPAN][/FONT] ....... You can't believe a word they say.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Verdana size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]7. Men are like[FONT color=#999933][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #999933"] Department Stores[/SPAN][/FONT] ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off![/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]8. Men are like .....[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"].[FONT color=#339966][SPAN style="COLOR: #339966"]Government Bonds[/SPAN][/FONT] [/SPAN].... They take soooooooo long to mature.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]9. Men are like ....[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"].[FONT color=#9966ff][SPAN style="COLOR: #9966ff"]Mascara[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN] They usually run at the first sign of emotion.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]10. Men are like[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"] [FONT color=#ff99ff][SPAN style="COLOR: #ff99ff"]Popcorn[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN] .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]11. Men are like[FONT color=#6666ff][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #6666ff"] Snowstorms[/SPAN][/FONT] ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]12. Men are like ........[FONT color=#ff9900][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #ff9900"]Lava Lamps[/SPAN][/FONT] ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]

[FONT size=3]13. Men are like[FONT color=#993399][SPAN style="COLOR: #993399"] P[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]arking Spots[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT] All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT] [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]

[/SPAN]

[Michel]

More funny for me, I can have this accent lol

  [FONT face=Arial][FONT size=4]Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
[/FONT]
[FONT size=4]Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her boobies.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]
Our "hero" stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"[/FONT]

[P.C.]

Hahahahahahahaaa !  That Pierre.....I tell ya !

[Lise]

 Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 [UL] [LI]54 times the sheets were just cleaned  [LI]17 times it was too late  [LI]49 times you were too tired  [LI]20 times it was too hot  [LI]15 times you pretended to be sleep  [LI]22 times you had a headache  [LI]17 times you were afraid of waking the baby  [LI]16 times you said you were too sore  [LI]12 times it was the wrong time of the month  [LI]19 times you had to get up early  [LI]9 times you said weren't in the mood  [LI]7 times you were sunburned  [LI]6 times you were watching the late show  [LI]5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo  [LI]3 times you said the neighbors would hear us  [LI]9 times you said your mother would hear us [/LI][/UL] Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

 [UL] [LI]6 times you just laid there  [LI]8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling  [LI]4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with  [LI]7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished  [LI]1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move [/LI][/UL] ==================================================
KEEP READING...
==================================================

 Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

 [UL] [LI]5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat  [LI]36 times you did not come home at all  [LI]21 times you didn't come with energy  [LI]33 times you came too soon  [LI]19 times you went soft before you got in  [LI]38 times you worked too late  [LI]10 times you got cramps in your toes  [LI]29 times you had to get up early to play golf  [LI]2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls  [LI]4 times you got it stuck in your zipper  [LI]3 times you had a cold and your nose was running  [LI]2 times you had a splinter in your finger  [LI]20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day  [LI]6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book  [LI]98 times you were too busy watching TV [/LI][/UL] Of the times we did get together:

 [UL] [LI]The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.  [LI]I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"  [LI]The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. [/LI][/UL]

[P.C.]

For some weird reason, it wouldn't let me modify it Lise.....so I just removed the whole thing.  (which is OK, because I think that joke is already on here)....It's STILL funny none the less.

[Lise]

Thanks, PC!!!!