Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[49er]

 Husband:   Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

                  It means, [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]W[/FONT]ithout [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]I[/FONT]nformation, [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]F[/FONT]ighting [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]E[/FONT]verytime!

Wife:          No darling, it means,

                  [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]W[/FONT]ith [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]I[/FONT]diot [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]F[/FONT]or [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]E[/FONT]ver


      *****************************************

  Wife:   I wish I was a newspaper,
           So I'd be in your hands all day.


Husband:   I too wish that you were a newspaper,
                 So I could have a new one everyday.


      *******************************************

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping  pills.


Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

    ********************************************

      Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

      Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.


      ******************************************

      Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
                     So I bought 3 movie tickets.

      Wife: Why three?

      Husband: For you and your parents


      ********************************************

      Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great [SPAN id=lw_1255206538_2 class=yshortcuts]Mount Everest[/SPAN]?

      Husband: A lovely push...!!!

      *********************************************

      Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

      A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again


      **********************************************

      After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

      You know, I was a fool when I married you.

      The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

[Gopher]

A guy was taking a course in human sexuality, and on a particular day, they were studying the Kinsey Report. As the professor was citing different statistics, he commented that one particular woman in the study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.

A male voice piped up and asked, "Wow... who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "Never mind that, who was HE?"

[Russ]

DRILL PRESS:
 A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
 WIRE WHEEL:
 Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
 calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
 shit!"
 
 SKILL SAW:
 A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
 PLIERS:
 Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
 blood-blisters.
 
 BELT SANDER:
 An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
 into major refinishing jobs.
 
 HACKSAW:
 One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
 It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
 more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
 becomes.
 
 VISE-GRIPS:
 Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
 nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
 welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
 OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
 Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
 on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
 which you want to remove a bearing race..
 
 TABLE SAW:
 A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
 for testing wall integrity.
 
 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
 Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
 your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
 BAND SAW:
 A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
 aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
 can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
 edge.
 
 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
 A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
 to disconnect.
 
 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
 Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
 old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
 also be used, as the name
 implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
 STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
 A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
 screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
 PRY BAR:
 A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
 needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
 HOSE CUTTER:
 A tool used to make hoses too short.
 
 HAMMER:
 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
 kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
 object we are trying to hit.
 
 UTILITY KNIFE:
 Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
 delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
 as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
 magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
 useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..
 
 Son of a bitch TOOL:
 Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
 "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
 next tool that you will need.         

[P.C.]

TOOOOO FUNNY !  I laughed all the way through.  I think I'll print that out and frame it for the shop.  I gotta show that one to Sawdust.

I have to admit...I used words I didn't even know I knew.  

[49er]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1258678887_0 class=yshortcuts]movie star[/SPAN].'
 
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
 
 The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
 
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
 
 The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1258678887_1 class=yshortcuts]Hollywood[/SPAN], you are going to have to change your name.'
 
 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
 
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
 
        'So be it!  I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
 
        FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
 
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
 
         'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
 
        Thank you for your advice.
 
        Sincerely,
 
        [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1258678887_2 class=yshortcuts]Dick van Dyke[/SPAN]

[Orik]

[font style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;" size="4"]LOL I snorted when i finished reading that one pleasently enjoyable


this one on the other hand .. i could have lived happi;ly with out ever having read it  but I will leave it up to you all to judge its worth as funny or not funny[/font]

[br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"]There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] Now it was the second man's turn.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard.[/span]        
 

[Gopher]

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..







'THE TEETH.'

[49er]

[FONT face=Arial]DAMN  FINE EXPLANATION


The  wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young  woman.

And  she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children!  I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right  away!'

And  the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can
tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll  be the
last words you'll say to  me!'

And the  husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and  out
and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the  car.

I  noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three  days.

So, in  my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're  afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in  moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower,  and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and  full of holes, so I threw
them  away..

Then,  as she needed clothes, I gave her the [SPAN id=lw_1259541541_0 class=yshortcuts]designer jeans[/SPAN] that you have
had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too  tight.

I  also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good  taste.

I  found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for [SPAN id=lw_1259541541_1 class=yshortcuts]Christmas[/SPAN] that you  don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you  bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at  work has a pair the
same.'

The  husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she  turned to
me with tears in her eyes and  said,



Please.. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?[/FONT]

[Russ]

??

[img alt="vny!://img196.imageshack.us/img196/647/ninjakid.gif" src="vny!://img196.imageshack.us/img196/647/ninjakid.gif"]

[Gopher]

lol

[Gopher]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
 
 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 
 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
 
 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
 21.. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects  

[P.C.]

Those are excellent Gophie !  Can't decide which one is my fav !  

[Gopher]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
 
 She did this faithfully for several months!  To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
 
 One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
 
 A  guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked  'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
 
 'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'  

[Gopher]

 [DIV id=post_message_137182]A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror,
mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts
grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror,
mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off![/DIV][!-- / message --]

[P.C.]

Some people just have no luck at all. [img border=0 src="vny!://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/4.gif"]