Life's Fortunes

[trefilov]

[p class="blogTimeStamp"]                                                                                   02/27/2007                                                                                                                           [/p]                                                                                                                                                                                            [table class="blog" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr]                                                                                [td]                                                                                                                                                                         [p class="blogContent"]                                  The FIRST indication I had that the day would be bad, was as I was dropping the garbage off & I bent down to puck up a piece that had fallen when, RIIIIP!
unfortunately, I've had so many of these telltale weightgain signs, these past few years, that I've been able to recognize the sound & STOP my movement immediately to minimize the damage. As I said, I've been putting on Doug Weight over this past year &  especially this past month, where I've been pretty much sedintary. At least when I was working, I had a 20 min. walk to work & 20 walk home. SOME excercise at least. But now, as I said none. & especially with the shit weather, no motivation to go out for a walk even. I tell ya, Vancouver would be the greatest city in the WORLD, if it wasn't for the damn rain!
    But anyway, sustaining minimal damage to my pants, I counted myself lucky. I checked my mailbox on the way back & voila! FINALLY the company had mailed my my blessed R.O.E. I had already structured my day around my visit to my Shrink & I figured, I had waited this long, I could wait one more day to turn it in to E.I.
    On the bus trip out to Dunbar, I worked some more on my book & continued working right on up to the Substop, where I planned to kill off an hour, when I saw that my phone was ringing.  It was Helena (Dad's Caregiver) For the 1st time since I'd known her, she sounded shaken.  She had just dropped Dad off at Emergency. He was having breathing trouble.  Actually, he had been having trouble for a couple of months, but apparently it was bad enough today, that he had to go to Hospital.  Well there I am. Stuck in Dunbar, without a car & a Shrink appt. in less than an hour.  I told Helena that I would be to the Hospital as soon as I was done here. (It was too late to cancel & now, I really NEEDED to talk to someone therapeutic.)
    As expected, My Shrink's 1st inquiry was how the job search had gone, when I told him what had happened, the conversation quickly turned to my concern for my Father & my fear that I may lose him this time. He soon brought me around to the fact that I WILL lose him eventually & that we all die & that he is 83 & wasn't even supposed to reach his 70's with his history of heart problems. Yes, I broke down in tears during that session, I bared my heart for my love of my Father, when I got a call, as I was in the Shrink's office.  It was Dad himself!  He told me he was ok for the moment & that they would be keeping him overnight to run some tests.  I felt like I, WE had ducked a cannonball. I had been given another chance with my Father.  I also took away some valuable truths from this visit to my Shrink. Some things to help keep me me grounded. Yes, I will lose my Father someday. Yes I will lose my Mother someday & yes I will die myself, someday. But until these events happen, we are powerless to change what must be. All you can do, is to try to make the most you can of the time you have with the ones you love.[/p][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]

[trefilov]

[p class="blogTimeStamp"]                                                                                   02/28/2007                                                                                                                           [/p]                                                                                                                                                                                            [table class="blog" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr]                                                                                [td]                                                                                                                                                                         [p class="blogContent"]                                           Uh-oh.  I shouldn't be doing this.  Writing before the coffee kicks in. I'm seriously tempting mediocrity here. I'll just have to hope it takes effect before I'm through with this post.
    I sent this email to Tuna:

[span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Hi Tuna.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]F.Y.I. - I DID receive my R.O.E. in the mail yesterday. Thank you.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]This now brings to conclusion my association with The Company.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Please pass along my Deepest thanks to everyone. in particular, my former co-workers.  I know they all tried their best & beyond & I will[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]always[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]be thankful for their efforts. I'm only sorry they couldn't get value for[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]their[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]investment.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]    They are the most intelligent & brightest people I have ever had the[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]privilege of working with.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]& I know they all will do well in their careers.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Tuna,[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]  I know you really stuck your neck out for me on this. I give you credit[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]for not saying it, but I would imagine you're quite disappointed I didn't[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]pan out. I am truly sorry that I wasn't of material. All I can tell you is[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]I[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]tried my best & I take that knowledge with me.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]   I'm the 1st to admit, I have alot of growing up to do & alot of[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]problems.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]But, one thing I DID learn from you, during my time is the courage to start[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]to tackle those problems. I grew more this past year, than at any other[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]time[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]in my life. As you recall, at the start, I couldn't even envision myself[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]working downtown, the stuff we did on the company picnic - are you KIDDING me?  &[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]the trip to Vegas.  All significant milestones in my life - all thanks to[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]you. Again, I WISH I had been able to measure up. Maybe someday I might be[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]of such account, but unfortunately as we both found out. I'm not there just[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]yet.  I'm sure Russ said to you many times: "What's WITH that guy?" & I[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]don't[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]even want to imagine the number of times you had to defend me to him.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Again,[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]I certainly never intended you to look bad because of me.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]     We now both have our separate lifepaths to go down.  & while they may[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]not be intertwined professionally, I hope I still can call you my friend.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Regardless, I will always consider you mine.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]    Ok, before I well up here I'll close this off.  I'm gonna send a[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]separate email to Lee, as I have some things I need to say to her too.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Take care, Tuna.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"][span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Alec.[/span]

I got the following response:


[span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Hi Alec.,[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Glad to hear the ROE arrived - hope that helps you with the next steps on[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]your path.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]No need to worry about the impact on me of you Company experience, and as[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]for Russ, I never once had to defend you to him. He was always looking for[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]ways to help you, even more than I, and he's a very decent man. Just last[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Fri he was asking about you and how you're doing and if there are ways[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]the Company could still help.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]I'm also not disappointed at all - we both tried our best and that's all[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]one can do. At the end of the day, it wasn't the right fit, that's all.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]There is somewhere out there that is the right fit for you, but as you[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]mention, it'll probably require a change in perspective on your part and[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]some growth - it's all part of the journey and we all go thru it in our own[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]ways.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]As for our friendship, I never considered you anything but a friend.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]However, I do feel that for the moment, you need to sort out the path of[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]your life and I think that's something you need to do on your own, which is[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]why I haven't been in contact. I know in my journey, things didn't start[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]going right until I had no other option (and no one left to lean on) but to[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]make sure it went right. Tough love, I guess, and I worry about you often,[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]but I think in the long run I'm doing the right thing.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Hope things go well for you Alec and keep in touch. And keep your chin up[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]- it's all about learning and moving forward.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Take care, old friend![/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Best regards,[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Tuna.

[span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"]While the temptation is to react emotionally to the part in his response that stands out for me in this & say to myself: "So, he's washing his hands of me then. Fine. f*ck him!"  I know deep in my heart that, in fact is not his intention at all.
     In fact, here is an opportunnity for me to learn from a previous mistake, for it was my reacting emotionally on an email that got me fired from this job in the 1st place. The healing has begun.
    So at least we part, temporarily hopefully - on good terms.
    As for D, of course I went to visit him in the hospital & also visited Mother. How many people can say they have BOTH their parfents in the hospital?
I read to each of them my latest entries in my book & got the much welcomed enthusiastic support. I have to remember to take their reactions in perspective too, though - for the book is largely about them too, & of course they are going to be biased towards me. What I really need is some detatched, professional input.
   I also got a bit of a scare in the news, when I found out that my brand of Dope, Effexor has been known to cause fatalities in large doses. Well no SHIT!
I remember back 2 years ago, when I was up to 300 mg. & was experiencing an irregular heartbeat, my Doc just said: "That's normal"  Well, given my family's history of heart attacks, I'm lucky I didn't have a Coronary back then.
     f*cking Doctors & their pill pushing cures for Depression!  Now I wonder just how many Doctors / Shrinks have blindly prescribed Antidepressants without knowing their side effects?[br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][/span][/span][/p][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]  

[trefilov]

                                                                                                                           [p class="blogSubject"]                                                                                   03/02/2007                                                                                                                                 [/p]                                                                                                                              Holy shit - you mean it's been a month since I been out of work!?
Where did the time go?  I know, & remember going through this exact same feeling the 1st time I lost my job & was awaiting E.I. to kick in  - in '04 But it just seems to me that time just keeps getting faster & faster.
    Of course, the trap here is to start thinking negatively about all the things you haven't accomplished & "never got to do." But I've learned - at least that, that's when  you have to STOP such negative thoughts & turn them around into POSTITIVE ones.  Even better if you can turn them into positive ACTIONS.
   On another note, I have re-discovered my sex-drive ever since I cut back on the dope.  These last few weeks I have been horny as HELL & my mastabatory habits are equal to what they were when I was in my early 20's, but with one difference.  MINUS the frustration & the negative tension.  I think I've found the ideal dosage of dope, whereby I can now enjoy the benefits of a good tug-o-war with Cyclops & yet NOT be so anxious that I can't even go outside. That's how it was for me before I was on Anti-Depressants. Social Anxiety Disorder. I think it's safe to say, the Effexor's taken care of that. Although, I'll admit. If I'm given the choice to go out partying, or a quiet night at home, I'd STILL choose the night at home.  Not because I'm afraid, necessarilly - it's just my comfort zone. A learned response that I've become accustomed to. Old habits.
    I noticed I offended some readers with yeaterday's post on D.S. Because the Mod-Squad deleted my entire entry for the day. I didn't realize it was such a Christian-Right Wing controlled forum.
Well, I certainly didn't mean to offend, but if they can't deal with REAL LIFE, then obviously, my posts don't belong there. Funny. I never thought I'd ever run into censorship issues.
     I took the day off from visiting Dee yestersday, as he had Helena to occupy him & it was costin g me $6.00 a day just to go see him. Money which I really can't afford right now. Plus he's got all the nurses to flirt with to keep him stimulated. Actually, sometimes I think I'm even interfering with him in that regard, when I go down there. But I know I made the right choice in taking the day off from him yesterday.  For ME, at least.
 

[P.C.]

 I noticed I offended some readers with yeaterday's post on D.S. Because the Mod-Squad deleted my entire entry for the day. I didn't realize it was such a Christian-Right Wing controlled forum.
Well, I certainly didn't mean to offend, but if they can't deal with REAL LIFE, then obviously, my posts don't belong there. Funny. [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #fcfae1"]I never thought I'd ever run into censorship issues.[/FONT]

  On the contrary, I'd think you'd be quite familiar with them by now.

  Well Trefilov....as we're into the 3rd cycle of reruns, it's hard to know what 'yesterday's' post was all about.....although I have a relatively good idea.

  Are you suggesting that if it were your job to acquire advertising to keep yourself afloat....that you could walk in to a company and tell some of your stories, and actually seal a deal?  Censorship ?....or common sense.  [/DIV]

[trefilov]

[p class="blogTimeStamp"]                                                                                   03/02/2007                                                                                                                           [/p]                                                                                                                                                                                            [table class="blog" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr][td width="30"][/td]                                                                                [td]                                                                                                                                                                         [p class="blogContent"]                               Captain's Blog: Sublime Mental.

My day got off to a bad start, when I  told Dee to call me when he's told he's been discharged & I would take the bus over town & help him get a cab home. The second he DOES call me however, I'm in the middle of another jerk-off. (I know, I know - don't even SAY it!)
But talk about killing a buzz!
   There's no doubt I AM an Orgasm Junkie, as I experienced a bit of what a drug addict must go through, when they're denied a fix. I was irritable at my dad for calling at this exact moment. Even though he had done absolutely nothing wrong!
   I still remember his words: "Come all ye faithful..." trying to make light of the situation that he needed me to pick him up.
I know to anyone reading this, it must look like I'm nothing but a shallow, self-centered Pervert, who's more interested in playing with himself all day long, than helping out his poor old father. & maybe in some respects I am. I know I HATE having to care for my father & sometimes, every goddamn one of his mannerisms gets on my f*ckING NERVES!  I know he can't help it & I feel like a terrible person for saying such things aginst my own father. I thank CHRIST for Helena. If it wasn't for her, not would I be so TOTALLY screwed by now, but I'm sure that my dad would probably be dead from neglect. I'm serious. I truly love that girl & I don't know if she realizes how special she truly is. I mean, here I am, bitching about only a few short hours with my aging father. SHE has to put up with him at LEAST twice a week!  Dee truly loves her too & has often said, that if he were alot younger (like my age) ...She IS a fine lookin' woman, & beleive me, it's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but I have such a love for her, that I know she deserves MUCH better than me. I mean truly. For all she's done for my father & Mother AND me. I stopped saying "Thank You" to her, because I just can't possibly thank her enough for everything she's done. GOD I'd love to sleep with her tho!
   But today, I had just a taste of what she has to go through all the time & I know that it takes a very special person to be able to be as patient with folks like my dad. I sympathize with Seniors & their struggles tho. Hell, I evern wrote a song about it, back in my musical days, but I just know that I don't have what it takes to care for them & I feel guilty because of it.  
    You see, I have come to the conclusion that there are 2 distinct personalities within me. One Good - the other Evil. I know most people probably have this in them, but lately I've actually had to learn to identify them & to try to keep peace between them. To actually FEEL the two sides, struggling aginst each other for control of your very soul is very unsettling.  I WANT to be the good person. I WANT to give selflessly to others, I want to see good ultimately triumph over Evil, but I have such a DARK side that makes me sad. I hate it when I get comfort from things that are bad. I feel guilty when I hear a story of a woman, or girl is murdered & my 1st thought is: "Good!  The bitch deserved it."  Who the hell am I to pass judgement on someone, whom I've never even met & has had ZERO impact on my life?  I HATE it when I feel like that. I know there is a good person buried within me & thank god, he's not dead yet.[/p][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]