Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

Started by Russ, Dec 14 06 01:24

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purelife

Me neither.  I only like jiffy markers, black from Staples.

  OMG, what the heck?!!

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Lil Me

perv bot wants a Lewinsky.  
"In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it."  Robert Heinlein


49er

  [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]A Nun Grading Papers[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

[DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt"] [FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] [DIV class=MsoNormal]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=maroon size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=2][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=2][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]ARK[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]RED[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]SEA[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]MOUNT[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]CYANIDE[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]CANADA[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]BATTLE[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans  MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans  MS'"] OF GERITOL.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]18. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]ST. JOHN[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]TOMBSTONE[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] OFF THE ENTRANCE. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans M
S" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans M000D000AS'"]23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]24. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]ST. PAUL[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

[DIV class=NormalWeb1 style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]

Lil Me

lol at the Three Wise Guys from the East Side.  
"In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it."  Robert Heinlein

van_guy


      [a class="title" href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/2005/03/22/male-or-female/" style="text-decoration: none;" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link: Male or Female?"]Male or Female?[/a]    [div class="cite"]Tuesday March 22nd 2005, 11:28 pm
 Filed under: [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/jokes-for-men/" title="View all posts in Jokes for Men" rel="category tag"]Jokes for Men[/a], [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/jokes-for-women/" title="View all posts in Jokes for Women" rel="category tag"]Jokes for Women[/a], [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/misc-jokes/" title="View all posts in Misc. Jokes" rel="category tag"]Misc. Jokes[/a][/div]           Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.[/p] Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective productive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.[/p] Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.[/p] Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.[/p] Sponges: Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.[/p] Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on[/p] Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.[/p] Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.[/p] Hammer: Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.[/p] Remote Control: Female. You thought it'd be male but consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.[/p]  
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness (Mark Twain)

van_guy

[a class="title" href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/2005/03/13/come-in-late/" style="text-decoration: none;" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link: Come in Late"]Come in Late[/a]    [div class="cite"]Sunday March 13th 2005, 12:50 pm
 Filed under: [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/daily-grind/" title="View all posts in Daily Grind" rel="category tag"]Daily Grind[/a][/div]           A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"[/p] The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."[/p] "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"[/p] The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."[/p] "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we'll get you started."[/p] The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"[/p] "Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. [/p] No point of your coming in for that.[/p]
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness (Mark Twain)

49er

 [FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.[/SPAN][/FONT]


[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little "0ral sex" will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked."[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[SPAN lang=EN-GB][/SPAN]
[/DIV]

P.C.

[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]   LOL.  That wasn't the punch line I was expecting at all !!!!!
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Lise

 [P class=style17 align=center]Karate Dog

 [P align=left]Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

 [P align=left]The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."  The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

 [P align=left]Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

 [P align=left]The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

 [P align=left]"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

 [P align=left]The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to  a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold  is amazed at this.

 [P align=left]The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the  corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

 [P align=left]"I'll take him," he says.

 [P align=left]When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little  thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

 [P align=left]"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby.

Michel



49er


Lil Me

oh 49er, your wife is gonna give you a slap with the beer...  
"In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it."  Robert Heinlein

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