Dear Santa Claus

[Lise]

[FONT color=#cc0000]Barbie[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]c/o Mattel, Inc.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]El Segundo, CA 90245[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]Santa Claus[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]North Pole, North Pole[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]December 23, 1996[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]Dear Santa:[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]Present, wearing skimpy bathing  suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]trust me, you won't wanna be  around to smell it).  So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]Santa:[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized  sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite![/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring  anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]6.  A jogbra.  To wear until I get the surgery.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet,[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]a public relations senior account exec![/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking  my vinyl.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]10.  Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]Ok, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]It's that simple.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT]  [FONT color=#cc0000]Yours truly,[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]Barbie[/FONT]

[purelife]

 [DIV class=RTE][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You [/FONT][/DIV][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]   [/FONT]  [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]10. He eats the milk and cookies -- and nails your girlfriend[/FONT]    [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet [/FONT]

   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg [/FONT]   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]

[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet [/FONT]

   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ass" [/FONT]   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]

[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks" [/FONT]

   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]

[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse [/FONT]

   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]

[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]3. Brings you one copy of every Kathy Lee CD [/FONT]

   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]

[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]2. Turns his reindeer loose on you [/FONT]

   [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]

[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof [/FONT]

[purelife]

ROFL!  That's freaking hilarious!  Thanks.  I'm going to send it to my co-workers now.

[Lise]

Santa's Pickup Lines  10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?  9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?  8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!  7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?  6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!  5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>  4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.  3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?  2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!  1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club? I like this one! 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?  

[Russ]

LOL Lise, I like those!

[purelife]

Oh no, some of the words are cut off... hey Lise, could you email me that one?  That's freaking hilarious.

[Lise]

The f*cking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
=========================================='Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat f*cker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"    

[Lise]

Sure thing, purelife.