Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Orik]

 [span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"] I just thought it was rather dull, not very funny at all. [/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"]JUST LIKE THIS JOKE[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][font style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);" color="white" face="verdana" size="4"]Joke of the Day[/font] [br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"] [table style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][tbody][tr][td width="500"][font face="verdana" size="3"]One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday  afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why?
 
 The CEO explained, "I'll tell you its very simple it's the only time  of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."[/font][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table] [br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"]   [/span]

[Orik]

RDL & SMP now there is a joke in that somewhere..

 

[Gopher]

If you say so.

[Little Redneck]

[span class="c48"]Susie Lee's  "Will" or won't she?[/span]
 [script type="text/XXXXscript"][!-- google_ad_client = "pub-2587246828426244"; google_ad_width = 728; google_ad_height = 90; google_ad_format = "728x90_as"; google_ad_type = "text"; google_ad_channel =""; google_color_border = "E8F1D4"; google_color_bg = "E8F1D4"; google_color_link = "0033FF"; google_color_url = "E8F1D4"; google_color_text = "6699FF"; //--][/script] [script type="text/XXXXscript" src="vny!://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"] [/script]
    Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
[p align="left"][span class="text1"] Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
 You'll have to find another.
 I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
 But Joe is yo' half brother."
 
 So Susie put aside her Joe
 And planned to marry Will.
 But after telling Pappy this,
 He said, "There's trouble still...
 
 You cain't marry Will, my gal,
 And please don't tell your Mother,
 But Will and Joe and several mo'
 I know is yo' half brother."
 
 But Mama knew and said, "My child,
 Just do what makes you happy.
 Marry Will or marry Joe,
 You ain't no kin to Pappy!"         [/span][/p]  

[Gopher]

A CHICKEN farmer goes to a bar,sits next to a woman and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says: "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"This is special day for me too, I am also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer.
As they clink glasses the man asks: "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant."
The man replies: "What a coincidence. I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great," says the woman , "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replies.
The woman smiles and says: "What a coincidence...."[!-- / message --]    

[Marty]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

  Christopher Walken.

[Natasha]

=)  oh that's so mean.

[Orik]

[font style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);" color="white" face="verdana" size="3"]The taxi pulls up outside the lady's house and the cabbie turns around and says: "that'll be $12"
 
 The woman in the back has no money, instead she pulls up her skirt and spreads her legs - "Can I pay with this?" she asks...
 
 "Jeez, haven't you got anything smaller?" cabbie replies.[/font]  

[Orik]

[table style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][tbody][tr][td width="500"][font face="verdana" size="3"]A  guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots a fabulous babe  walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her  and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
 
 He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive  could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and  sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
 
 The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
 
 "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
 
 "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
 
 "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
 
 "$100!! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
 
 "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and  sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for  that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth  it."
 
 The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves  with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This  hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable  life.
 
 The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.  When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was  incredible!"
 
 "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
 
 "How much is that?"
 
 "$500"
 
 "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
 
 "You see that apartment building across the street?"
 
 The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
 
 "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
 
 Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with  her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The  next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked,  you're the best! Tell me, what will it cost me for some pussy?"
 
 She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
 
 "You see that island? Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
 
 She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!" [/font][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]  

[Gopher]

[!-- / icon and title --][!-- message --]Little Billy, aged five, told his mum he was going to the toilet. After a while she noticed he was still in there. Opening the door she saw Billy sitting on the toilet reading a book. As she watched, he hit himself on the top of his head with his hand.
She said;"Are you alright, Billy?"
"Yes, mum," he replied."I haven't done it yet."
Again he hit himself on the head.
Mum said;"Why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
"Well," said Billy."It works for tomato sauce!"[!-- / message --][!-- sig --]    

[DDD]

[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]The husband shouted, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have [FONT color=#1f497d][SPAN style="COLOR: #1f497d"]to [/SPAN][/FONT]apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]window?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll [FONT color=#1f497d][SPAN style="COLOR: #1f497d"]g[/SPAN][/FONT]ive you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe  from fire,burglary and natural disasters!" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in Genie... [/FONT][/SPAN][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P]       [P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt" class=MsoNormal][FONT color=#888888 size=2 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: #888888; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][BR clear=all][/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]

[Gopher]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'    

[P.C.]

Gophie wrote: Little Billy, aged five, told his mum he was going to the toilet. After a while she noticed he was still in there. Opening the door she saw Billy sitting on the toilet reading a book. As she watched, he hit himself on the top of his head with his hand.
She said;"Are you alright, Billy?"
"Yes, mum," he replied."I haven't done it yet."
Again he hit himself on the head.
Mum said;"Why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
"Well," said Billy."It works for tomato sauce!"

  Help.  Am I the only one that has no idea what this means. [img border=0 src="vny!://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/8.gif"]

[Gopher]

You hit the bottle on the top to make things flow.  

[P.C.]

Ohhhhhhhh THAT tomato sauce. [img border=0 src="vny!://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif"]