Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Joker]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[LOL]

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[Future Canadian]

A Californian moves out to a ranch in remote Montana to get a way from it all. About a month after moving in he gets a visit from a neighbor.
"Howdy! Just wanted to welcome you to the area, pardner" Says the Cowboy and they get to chatting about the weather, the land and whatnot.
After a while the Cowboy says "You know you seem like a real nice fellow. I'm havin' a party Saturday night and I'd like you to come on over. It'll be a real barn-burner I tell you. There'll dancin', fightin', f*ckin', and lotsa drinkin'"
"Hey that sounds like a great time. Should I bring anything?"
"Nah, It'll just be you and me."

[49er]

[DIV dir=ltr align=center][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]GOLF PAIN[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][BLOCKQUOTE style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: #a0c6e5 2px solid; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0px"][BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; MARGIN: 5pt 0in 5pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #a0c6e5 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"][BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt" cite=vny!://][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=3][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]Two women were playing golf. One teed off, and watched in horrors[/SPAN] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together, at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"][FONT face=Tahoma][/FONT][/SPAN] [/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=3][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize[/SPAN] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=3][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]man replied.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"][FONT face=Tahoma][/FONT][/SPAN] [/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]He was still in pain, lying in the fetal position, still clasping[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"][FONT face=Tahoma size=2]his hands together in his groin. But, she persisted, and he[/FONT][/SPAN][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away,[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]and laid them to the side. [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=5][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]She loosened his pants, and [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]put her hands inside. She began to massage him,[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]and then asked, "How does that feel?"[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=5][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."[/SPAN] [/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE]

[P.C.]

Hahahaha....Golfers !!!!!

[Lise]

[H2]You are from Canada[/H2]

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

[OL][LI]You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

[LI]You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

[LI]The mosquitoes have landing lights.

[LI]You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

[LI]You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

[LI]Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

[LI]You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

[LI]You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

[LI]Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

[LI]You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

[LI]The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

[LI]At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

[LI]The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

[LI]Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

[LI]You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

[LI]You head south to go to your cottage.

[LI]You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

[LI]You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

[LI]The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

[LI]You find -40C a little chilly.

[LI]The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

[LI]You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

[LI]You can play road hockey on skates.

[LI]You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

[LI]The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

[LI]You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
[/LI][/OL]

[LOL]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[TehBorken]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[CK]

Alanis Morrisette walks into a bar. Bartender asks, why the long face?

[TehBorken]

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.  The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look pal, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 20 years!"   

[CK]

hehe..long face..hehe

[A href="vny!://tinypic.com/view/?pic=rhvqra"][img alt="Image hosting by TinyPic" src="vny!://tinypic.com/rhvqr9.jpg" border=0][/A]

[perpetual]

Lise, are you originally from Manitoba?  If so, you might get a kick out ot this too!

[P align=center]You Know You're From Saskatchewan When ...

Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with that icky feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.

You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as curb feelers and turn signals and yet, obvious options such as trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.

You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the geographical necessity for correction lines.

You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis.

You sort your laundry into three loads: greens, whites, and green-and-whites.

Your other vehicle is a Massey.

You've required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances.

Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately need: a new curling broom.

You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.

While cleaning out your teenage son's closet, you're alarmed to discover, tucked away in the back, a foot-high stack of old Western Producers.

You're on a first-name basis with the clerks at the Payless Shoe store in Minot.

You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one.

You question why they didn't call them the Cypress Mountains.

You catch yourself "getting down" to the radio jingles for post-emergent broad-leaf weed control.

You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, although you still insist on wearing only one so the others don't get dirty.

You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 1/4 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator, the idiot!

You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher.

Your idea of gun control is when you make sure the bead drawn on the gopher is aligned with the sights before you gently squeeze, not pull, the trigger.

The bank teller asks to see some proof of identification and you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket.

You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you made the mistake of peering down an open well.

Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 1/2 syllables: "Skatchw'n."

Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places. (Riders win Grey Cup.)

 

[perpetual]

[TABLE style="WIDTH: 692px; HEIGHT: 962px" borderColor=black cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width=692 align=center border=1][TBODY][TR][TD align=middle bgColor=#ccffff][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; COLOR: black" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif"]You Know You're From Canada When...[/FONT][/TD][/TR][TR][TD align=left bgColor=#ffffff][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif"][/FONT]

[FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif"]You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a touque is.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.

There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.

You call a "mouse" a "moose".

You like the Americans a little because they don't want Quebec either.

Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.

Everything is labelled in English and French.

Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

Mountain Dew has no caffeine.



[/FONT][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]

[LOL]

 In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

 Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
 
 "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.  
 
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.  
 
"Sure will," said the old-timer.  
 
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.  

 "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"  
 
 "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer   hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."  
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.  
 
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.  
 
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a  blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.   "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"  

 The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle  grease over there? Coat your gun with it."  
 
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the  barrel of his gun.  

 "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and  all."  
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.  
 
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much."  

[LOL]

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"
 
The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
 
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
 
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
 
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Heck of a lot better than pork, isn't it?"