Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[49er]

 [TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" width="100%"] [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"].[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...'' [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]You can really spread out there."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"It's true, Ma'am, yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." [/SPAN][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Tripod?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]

 [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Mrs. Smith fainted[/SPAN][/FONT]

[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]

[Lise]

Ahahahha. Oh good one.

[Russ]

[A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html[/A]

   [H2]Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.[/H2] Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

 [UL class=blurbs] [LI]Location: Manhood  [LI]it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests[/LI][/UL]

[Lise]

Geez. I don't know what to make out of that, Russ. Is it meant to be a funny or sad story? I feel bad for the woman though. I guess she'd do anything, literally anything, to find a father for her unborn. Kinda sad pathetic sorta way.

  Is this what ppl do on craigslist nowadays? Just list weird stories?

[Russ]

I think its funny and sad... especially since the guy would have been hooped if he hadnt had that info.

  YEah, theres lots of funny stories like this on craigslist

[Lise]

OK. Give us more. I await with baited breath. Your craig stories are hilarious.

[Lise]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[Lise]

 [BLOCKQUOTE]Top 10 Reasons to Be an Episcopalian  from Robin Williams, who is one

10. No snake handling.

9. You can believe in dinosaurs.

8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.

7. You don't have to get all emotional.

6. Pew aerobics.

5. Church year is color-coded.

4. Free wine on Sunday.

3. All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.

2. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.

...and the Number One reason to be an Episcopalian:

1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

[/BLOCKQUOTE]

[Lise]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]"About 35, " was the reply.[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, "[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Arial size=2]The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".[/FONT]

[Spring!]

what's the difference between in-laws and out-laws??

outlaws are wanted!!!

hee..i love that one!
 

[Orca]

Politically correct. I like the license plate too!

 

[tenkani]

 LOLz @ Spring & Orca.

[span class="replymessagebody"]A hawt female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
 The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk replies; "Tits."[/span]    

[49er]

[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT face="Courier New"]These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. [/FONT][/SPAN]  [FONT face="Courier New" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No, I just lie there.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: July 18th.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What year?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Every year.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]_____________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: I forget.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]_____________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Forty-five years.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]_____________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: My name is Susan.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: We both do.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Voodoo?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: We do.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: You do?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]___________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]________________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Uh....[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How many were boys?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: None.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: By death.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]          notice which I sent to your attorney?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Oral.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]autopsy on him![/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Huh?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]began the autopsy?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]

 [FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]

[Russ]

[FONT face="Courier New"]The Ultimate Putdown!
 
A group of Canadians, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.
 
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
 
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
 
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.
 
Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my
passport"
 
"Impossible. Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention. The Canadian senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." [/FONT]

[Russ]

[A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/186980585.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/186980585.html[/A]

   [H2]Anyone ever been caught...[/H2] Date: 2006-07-27, 1:34PM CDT


...doing the most private of private things?

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

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PostingID: 186980585