One Liners

[TehBorken]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But ne day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough."

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?".

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food here".  

[Lise]

OK, my contribution.

  [FONT face=Verdana size=5]Bob Hope One-Liners at a Star Trek Con[/FONT]

 [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]10. Take my wife...please, as if you'd have a clue what to do with her.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]9. Those Klingons sure are friendly...honestly...it was the pleasantest mob I ever lost a tooth in.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]8. I just got back from Vulcan, and whew! It was so hot...the settings on my phaser wouldn't go below "fire."[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]7. Boy, it's really crowded on Gideon these days. You sneeze, and there's a tidal wave headed for the southern continent.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]6. I'm not saying the girls on Risa aren't as pretty as they used to be. I'm just saying they've moved the training camp for Medusan Ambassadors to the Risan "House o' Pleasure."[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]5. I hear the new Minister of the Treasury is a Ferengi, and we're about to have a Skrian president of the Federation. Now, I'm not saying times are tough, but it's a toss-up whether we're about to be exploited or exfoliated.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]4. I don't understand the Nausicaans. They're always so angry. What's the point? Nothing's worth getting so worked up about...I mean, outside of golf.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]3. The Dominion War sure has everyone on edge. I heard the Head of the Klingon High Council even hired some bodyguards, and that was just to protect the family bat'tleh.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]2. Now, don't everyone run out of the room at once, but I hear there's a female Horta outside, and she's really burning up the place.[/FONT]  [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=-1]1. Boy, competition in the job market sure is fierce these days. The other day I started filling out an application at Burger King, and I swear I heard voices betting quadloos[/FONT]

 [FONT face=Verdana size=2]Source: [A href="http://scifi.about.com/blbobhopelist.htm"]http://scifi.about.com/blbobhopelist.htm[/A][/FONT]

[P.C.]

Very good Lise....lol

  This would be my contribution....Steven Wright

     [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Half the people you know are below average.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 [LI] [P class=bullet_9pt]The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

[/LI]  

[weird al]

 [P class=mtb]Space is limited
In a haiku, so it's hard
To finish what you

 [P class=mtb]

 [P class=mtb]...stolen from Jack Handley

[weird al]

...or was  that Jack Handy? Anyway, the guy who gave us this gem:

   "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

 

[P.C.]

After just FINALLY finishing up painting our workshop, this one appeals to me....(another Steven Wright)

  It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

[P.C.]

LOL....weird al,  one of my all time favourites !!!!  

[P.C.]

WC Fields......

  I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

[weird al]

Was it WC who said "It was a woman that drove me to drink. I must remember to call and thank her." ?

  3 more of my faves from Handy...

   [FONT face=Arial size=2] Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

 To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

 We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing, but we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

 

[/FONT][/DIV]

[P.C.]

It was WC indeed.  His humour goes best with that sing-song drawl of his.

  ....another Handy classic

  Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

[P.C.]

.....and I have no idea where this one came from, but it was on a birthday card I received once.

  The front read:  I can't believe Hortense actually picked up her cake and ATE it with her FINGERS.  It was SO embarrassing.......(inside)   I laughed so hard, I dropped a whole handful of ice-cream.

[Orca]

 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
    your Count that votes.

 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
     A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in
      Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium
      at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
      end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
      dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

  Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a
         large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

[Marik]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.