[FONT color=#cc0000]Barbie[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]c/o Mattel, Inc.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]El Segundo, CA 90245[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]Santa Claus[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]North Pole, North Pole[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]December 23, 1996[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]Dear Santa:[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]Santa:[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite![/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]a public relations senior account exec![/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]It's that simple.[/FONT][FONT color=#cc0000][/FONT] [FONT color=#cc0000]Yours truly,[/FONT]
[FONT color=#cc0000]Barbie[/FONT]
[DIV class=RTE][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You [/FONT][/DIV][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2] [/FONT] [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]10. He eats the milk and cookies -- and nails your girlfriend[/FONT] [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet [/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg [/FONT] [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet [/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ass" [/FONT] [FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks" [/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse [/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]3. Brings you one copy of every Kathy Lee CD [/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]2. Turns his reindeer loose on you [/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2][/FONT]
[FONT face="Lucida Handwriting, Cursive" size=2]1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof [/FONT]
ROFL! That's freaking hilarious! Thanks. I'm going to send it to my co-workers now.
Santa's Pickup Lines 10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you! 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink> 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it. 3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you? 2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list! 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club? I like this one! 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
LOL Lise, I like those!
Oh no, some of the words are cut off... hey Lise, could you email me that one? That's freaking hilarious.
The f*cking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
=========================================='Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat f*cker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
Sure thing, purelife.