You mission, should you choose to accept, is to find some of the most funniest quotes you've heard and paste them here.
I'll start:
[FONT class=sqq]Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.[/FONT]
Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex, men just needs a place.
Billy Crystal
[FONT face=Verdana size=2]I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. -Oscar Wilde[/FONT]
Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth, but the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth. ~Rush
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)
[A href="vny!://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/dave_barry.shtml#"][/A]
I LOVE dave berry but I dont see him in the paper any more.. Is he still writing in different papers kitten? Are you finding any new material from him?
His style of dry writing is hilarious
I hadn't known he was in the paper before. There are quite a few of his books at the library, which is where I first came across his writing. He's so funny!
He used to write editorials for the sun and province about things that happened to his family and friends. I didnt realize he had books about.
Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. (Dave Barry)
[A href="vny!://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/dave_barry.shtml#"][/A]
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. (Noam Chomsky)[a href="vny!://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/dave_barry.shtml#"][/a]
[img alt="" src="vny!://img.photobucket.com/albums/v217/echo9er/Blog%20Related%20Photos/Cartoons/Maxine/Maxine3.jpg"].
ROFL!!
[P align=left][FONT face=Verdana size=2]Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.[/FONT]
[SPAN class=body][FONT face=Verdana size=2]I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.[/FONT][/SPAN]
[SPAN class=body][FONT face=Verdana size=2][/FONT][/SPAN]
[SPAN class=body][FONT face=Verdana size=2]Steve Martin[/FONT][/SPAN]
.We are born with no food, clothes or money...then things get worse!
I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe."
[SPAN class=toplinksm]Bob Hope[/SPAN]
[FONT face="Comic Sans MS"]Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill. [/FONT]
How do remember all of these? I remember, uh, one. That doesnt mean Im not looking for good ones..
Tell you a little secret. I don't remember them. I googled "funny quotes" a long time ago and added it to my favourites. When I want a laugh I go back and look at them.
Not a bad idea.. but thats one of those things you should hide as your 'inside voice'!
:)
If I find something good I want to share it.
Thats what we all like and respect about you miss kitten.
So many people have shared their finds with others on this board, and when I can, it feels good.
"[a href="vny!://quotationnation.com/quote_26118.htm" class="sm_quote"]If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.[/a]" [a href="vny!://quotationnation.com/results.php?stext=Jim+Eason&stype=author" title="More quotes by this author..." class="sm_auth"]Jim Eason[/a]
I found an old folk song the other day, it started with the words:
"Heigh-ho the wind doth blow,
Bindweed deck the shepherd's nonny".
If anyone can tell me what a nonny is, I'd be delighted to know. Otherwise - if anyone wants me to type out the whole thing I will, at a later date.
Author was (quite creditably) 'Anon' - in other words that most prolific master of all sorts of wonderful literary creations.
Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
~ Golda Meir
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
~ Will Rogers
An old favorite that warms my heart every year about this time:
[TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD] [DIV align=left] [TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD width=20][/TD] [TD]
[FONT face=Arial color=#800000 size=4][B PyE_E="0" sysOa="0"]Ancient Music[/B]
[/FONT][/TD] [TD width=120][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][/DIV][/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD] [DIV align=left] [TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD vAlign=top width=20] [/TD] [TD vAlign=top PyE_E="0" sysOa="10"][FONT face=Arial color=#800000 size=3 PyE_E="0" sysOa="27"]Winter is icummen in,
Lhude sing Goddamm.
Raineth drop and staineth slop,
And how the wind doth ramm!
Sing: Goddamm.
Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us,
An ague hath my ham.
Freezeth river, turneth liver,
Damn you, sing: Goddamm.
Goddamm, Goddamm, 'tis why I am, Goddamm,
So 'gainst the winter's balm.
Sing goddamm, damm, sing Goddamm.
Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMM.
[B PyE_E="0" sysOa="0"]Ezra Pound[/B][/FONT]
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"Life's like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it; when it's hard you get screwed." - House of God
Ezra is either a highschool drop out or he/she's high on drugs. Wow.
I think you westerners should take over this country if you think you are so smart
Pierre Elliot Trudeau (1919-2000) prime minister
A Canadian is lost when he asks himself what a Canadian is
VS Prichett (1900-1997) english essayist
The United States is our friend... whether we like it or not
Robert Thomson (1914-1997) social credit politician, in 1967
Canadians are fed up with a prime minister whose idea of regional developement is to give the unemployed a train ticket to Toronto, then cancel the train.
Jean Poutine (1934- ) prime minister, in 1990 when going for leadership of the useless Liberals
I think that learned counsel is abusing the privilege of being stupid
Sir James Lougheed (1854-1925) politician
If you really want to be ignored, make a speech in the Senate
John Morrow Godfrey, senator, in 1974
Im not going to let Mr Mulroney destroy a great 120-year old dream called Canada
John Turner (1929- ) prime minister, during the 1988 election campaign when he was leader of the useless liberal party
Voter apathy is a big problem and its getting bigger all the time. To make matters worse - nobody gives a shit
Charlie McKenzie, national campaign chairman and concierge of the Parti Rhinoceros in 1987
Lord Mayor of London: If I smell your corsage, will you blush?
Charlotte Whitton, Mayor of Ottawa: If I pull your chain, will you flush?
exchange took place in Ottawa in the 1950's
I am not a lawyer. I have many other faults but that is not among them
Ed Broadbent (1936 - ) NDP leader
Now, the only problem that remains unresolved is the resolution of the problem
Thomas Wells (1930-2000) Ontario Minister of Education, in 1976
Im not going to play politics on the floor of the house of commons
John Turner (1929 - ) prime minister
The fact is the statements are perfectly consistent, but more importantly, I dont have all the facts
Paul Martin (1938- ) prime minister
The French wont take over and neither will the pope. Although hes not the menace he used to be.
Pierre Elliot Trudeau. (1919-2000) prime minister
Lise wrote:
Ezra is either a highschool drop out or he/she's high on drugs. Wow.
Ezra's little song here was supposedly a tongue-in-cheek 'dark side' kinda response to some current goody-two-shoes type song in praise of Spring.
A little history on ol' Ezra. An odd bird, no question.
[TABLE class=idx id=poems] [TBODY] [TR] [TD class=pic][img height=142 alt="" src="vny!://www.internal.org/pictures/EPound.gif" width=198]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TH]Ezra Pound
(1885 - 1972) [/TH][/TR] [TR] [TD class=bio]Ezra Loomis Pound was born in Hailey, Idaho in 1885 but spent his formative years in Wyancote, Pennsylvania, where his father was an assayer to the United States Mint. He studied at the University of Pennsylvania for two years then transferred to Hamilton college, receiving a degree in 1905. [P align=justify]After teaching Romance Languages at Wabash College in Indiana for two years, he resigned and travelled to Spain, Italy and England, where, as the literary executor of the scholar Ernest Fenellosa, he became interested in the poetry of the Chinese and Japanese. Ezra Pound founded the Imagist movement in poetry, which encouraged experimenting with different verse forms, and opposed representational art in favor of abstract forms. [P align=justify]Ezra married the artist Dorothy Shakespear in 1914 and in 1922 began a life-long relationship with violinist Olga Rudge. In 1924 he moved to Italy and became involved in Fascist politics, and did not return to the United States until 1945, when he was arrested for broadcasting facsict propaganda via radio to the United States during WWII, on charges of treason. [P align=justify]In 1946, he was acquitted, deemed unfit for trial, and declared insane. He was committed to St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Washington, D.C. After many letters and appeals from friends and writers, including [A href="vny!://www.internal.org/list_poems.phtml?authorID=7"]Robert Frost[/A], Ezra won his release from the hospital in 1958. He soon returned to Venice, where he died, a recluse,
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Interesting read there, al. Thanks.
"He speaks to me as if I was a public meeting" - Queen Victoria
Wal-mart...do they like make walls?" - Paris Hilton (who else?).
Gopher wrote:
Wal-mart...do they like make walls?" - Paris Hilton (who else?)[/DIV]
lol, thats a brilliant one gopher!
"A low voter turnout is an indicator of fewer people going to the polls." - G.W.Bush
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain.
[SPAN class=a12][FONT face=Verdana size=2]Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I'm sitting on top of you, who's going to argue? [/FONT][/SPAN]
[SPAN class=a12][/SPAN]
[SPAN class=a12][FONT face=Verdana size=2]Jo Brand[/FONT][/SPAN]
Being so fabulous is exhausting
Victoria Adams (Posh Spice)
[DT class=quote]I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.[/DT] [P class=author]Mark Twain
[P class=author]
[P class=author](I pretty much like just about everything Mr Twain said)
I've been to Twain's childhood home. And of course left Missouri. lol
Twain was a genius =)
Remember kids, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!