How many of you have a family member that doesn't speak to you (or visa versa) ?
How long has it been going on, and how did it start ?
My mom and I have been through that a couple of times. She (or dad) would forget I was a grownup and insult me, I in turn would wait for the apology that would never come, refusing to speak to them until it did. Our longest period of non-contact was almost a year and I gave in when my dad called me to ask me to be the one to make the first move since Christmas was coming. He knew how stubborn we both were and that I would do it for him if he asked, but that my mom would not.
Most recently, about three years ago my mom was acting like a cow and I told her not to be such a bitch. She turned around and tossed out the "c" word. This was the weekend of my brother's wedding. I walked out of their house and stayed over at my ex husband's house. I went to the wedding, danced with my brother and my father, spoke not a word to my mom, and then came back to Vancouver.
I got an email from my mom about 4 days later saying that I had conducted myself with class and that she apologized for not doing the same. If she haddn't, it would have been another extended period of not talking.
She's mellowing with age though. Not so frisky and a bit more laid back.
P.C. wrote:
[div style="font-style: italic;"]How many of you have a family member that doesn't speak to you (or visa versa) ? [/div] [div style="font-style: italic;"]How long has it been going on, and how did it start ?[/div]
I haven't spoken to my sister in years, and don't expect to (hopefully) for years to come.
It's too long a story to go into here, but let's just say....
[ul][li]She's a f*cking whacko with a badly distorted sense of reality (our shared childhood in particular)[/li][li]She's personally irresponsible, especially when it comes to other people's money.
[/li][li]She's abusive, both verbally and physically[/li][li]She's still living in the mid-1960's (she never heard the closing bell)[/li][li]She expects the world to give her everything on a platter, no work required[/li][li]She's a liar, emotionally unstable, and unpredictable
[/li][li]She's the consumate "Perpetual Victim", forever and ever and ever
[/li][/ul]It started when she began casting my mom in a terrible light, as the Ultimate Horrible Mother who raised us terribly, didn't do this, didn't do that, was mean to us, etc etc etc. It's just flat-out bullshit. Completely untrue, without a shred of substance to her claims. My mom busted her butt to provide for us and did a damn good job. End of story.
If you listen to my sister's version of events compared to mine, you'd have to conclude that we were raised in different homes, on different streets, in different cities, and on different planets.
She's delusional and rewrites history to fit her agenda, which seems to be alienating everyone she's ever known. There's more, much more, but that's it in a nutshell.
Ha, top that!
I think I use the lack of communication as a power tool. My parents were both abused as kids so they didn't really realize that their watered down version used on us was still abusive. They simply didn't know better.
I could have been just like your sister, but my parents and I, over many years and beer, have worked past it. I would hate to be at this stage of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong with me.
All of my relatives I have never spoken to other than a hello including cousins, uncle and aunts. I rarely speak to my dad other than a hello and bye. We've never really been close. I have never received a hug from my dad and it was only once that I hugged him when I left at the airport.
It never ceases to amaze me how many well adjusted people I know who are in this situation. I'd have to say at least three quarters of our friends have at least one family member that they don't speak to (or that won't speak to them) ......(including myself). I started thinking about this last weekend after attending a wedding. (I wonder why people think a wedding is the place to throw these people together to sort out years of turmoil) It starts with...."well we can't invite Aunt Ruth if Aunt Gladys is going to be there. Well let's just invite Aunt Gladys, because nobody gets along with Aunt Ruth. Yeah, but Uncle Ralph can't stand Aunt Gladys and if she comes, he won't.....and if he doesn't, then....." well you get the drift.
I have a sister who I don't keep in touch with, and I really have nothing against her....(but I'm not particularly fond of her husband) I keep telling myself how stupid this is, but never make the steps to fix it. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/traurig/a010.gif" border=0]
I agree Some Chick.....adult children who feel the need to blame all their problems on their parents, stop growing and seem to remain stuck in their anger. They sure don't do any good for themselves.
I think that we have either grown completely lazy about the situation meaning that we don't care about it or very comfortable at where we are and don't desire the change.
For me, I just don't see the importance in it. My left mind tells me that it's important to have a healthy relationship with your father but my heart just doesn't give a damn anymore.
My parents have belted me many times before and the last belting I had was when I was 18 and got home late and late was at around 10pm. That was how strict my parents were.
purelife !!!!! Could you be my long lost sister ???? Sounds like we had the same dad.
I guess it matters, because our loved ones are often taken away from us right around the time we develope enough wisdom to realize the reasons that developed the wedge between our family members really were 'workable'. Often the seed that caused the problem was trivial and then the pride factor comes into play.....who's going to 'give' first.
Yikes. Strict parents. Don't have that problem. They could understand if I got suspened from school for fighting and standing up for myself but can't stand the little stuff. Always telling me to put my dishes away, stop using different voices, act grown up. Its f*cking annoying. I'm not 5 anymore.
Relationships with cousins and family not very good.
Hate my teenage mother cousins in KC because they treated me like shit for years and looked down on me. Well the jokes on them.
Don't even know the other part of my family. There's only 15 of us and half of them we don't speak to ever. My dad doesn't even talk to his brother. His brother is strange.
Cousins down on the farm are strange as well. They see everything in a farming perspective. My mom was told not to go to college because woman don't belong in the work force they belong at home raising kids by my great grandpa. What a load of shit.
Haven't talked to my uncle since he wanted to kill me for making a remark on this quilt the family was struggling to make for my cousins baby. He said he wanted to shoot me. And he of all people pulled the sensitive card. A guy who calls all muslims 'turban heads' and anyone looking hispanic "dirty cheap mexicans". The man is a bigot and so is son. I don't talk to him as much either. Kind of had a falling out with everyone in the family except my cousin of the bigot uncle. Were like brothers.
Sadly I don't think me and my sister will get along. We barely talk. If I ask anything its "YOU'RE MOM" or "SHUT UP" crap. I don't even know her that well because she won't talk to me. You wouldn't believe we live in the same house its that bad. Anyway so I've always grown up in this isolationist attitude. Don't really know one side of the family we live all over the country and the other I hate do to there views on life.
Strict parents really sucked in my teen years because I was never allowed to go camping, friend sleepover, stay out later (before midnight) curfew was like at 9 or something and dating. No boys were allowed.
I have a sister that I can't be bothered communicating with, and vice versa. She's slightly younger than me, but has always been bossy with a what's-in-it-for-me attitude, and would never lift a finger to help without some sort of repayment expected. Selfish to the bone and doesn't care who she offends. I'm glad I'm on the other side of the country. Blood isn't always thicker than water and in her case, she's just plain thick. She has offered to go with my 74 year old sister to the hospital for cataract surgery, if my sister will "lend" her a hundred bucks. Decent of her, eh?
Hah, thats funny purelife. Because I kinda put this no dating thing on me because I knew I would have been ridiculed by my younger sister. So decided that it was in my best interest to not date girls til college when I was a way from home. That was another problem nervous as hell to ask anyone out let alone say I'm going on a date to my parents. Oh the nightmare.
Dating isn't important to me anymore. I dislike getting into "relationships" and am already very hesitant about the one that I am in because I don't see myself getting married after the hell that I've been through.
Aaargh, so frustrating. Sometimes, I can't make up my god-damn mind.
Do you know clues that girls give off if they are interested in you? If I was a guy, I would feel more comfortable asking a girl out if I knew that she was kind of interested in me.
As a female, I know these "clues" or what we call "body language" that I would be glad to share with you if you're interested.
P.S. Why would your sister ridicule you? She sounds terrible.
You could also PM me if this gets to be too personal and of course, you don't have to share anything with me or us that you don't want to.
Hmm. I hear yeah. Except I haven't experienced really love of any kind so that's like a giant question mark in life something I kind of long for.
I understand where you're coming from. Love is a wonderful thing when you're with the right person.
Kitten wrote:
She has offered to go with my 74 year old sister to the hospital for cataract surgery, [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffbf"]IF my sister will "lend" her a hundred bucks[/FONT]. Decent of her, eh?
Now THAT's really sad !
Sportsdude, you're still young, and there's nothing wrong with not dating until all is right for you to do so. It's actually kind of commendable for you to have made a choice not to, when you know the situation isn't right. You'll know when it's OK.
Well its kinda odd. I see everyone else around me hooking up going out and having fun while I would just sit there. The bad side of experiencing stuff to early is my cousins. They both are parents and one just turned 21 and the other 19. But it sucks when you are considered an outcast and don't get in on any of the fun.
You're right, Sportsdude, it does suck to feel like an outcast. But it sucks far worse to be an unwed parent with no future. You're very smart not to get into that situation.
sometimes you just have to do what you feel right and not follow the crowd. that is what makes you unique. :)
Sportsdude wrote:
Well its kinda odd. I see everyone else around me hooking up going out and having fun while I would just sit there. The bad side of experiencing stuff to early is my cousins. They both are parents and one just turned 21 and the other 19. But it sucks when you are considered an outcast and don't get in on any of the fun.
purelife wrote:
........ We've never really been close. I have never received a hug from my dad and it was only once that I hugged him when I left at the airport.[/DIV]
This happens so much in immigrant families. Many immigrant families, particularly Chinese, have such difficulties showing their love for their children as westerners do publicly or privately. Remember they themselves never experienced the kisses or hugs from their parents, I bet if back in the old country their strict code of behavior would be considered normal.....your dad love you no less. His way of showing love for the family was worked his ass off to provide shelter and food on the table for the family so his kids will have an easier time. His early curfews and strict rules were his ways, as he knew, to protect his daughter ....remember also during this period he was under extreme pressure to adjust to a new world and likely was taking a lot of crap at work because he was a FOB. You, on the other hand, was carefree, still a child going to school and being assimilated into western culture.
Make the move, go home and visit, talk with your dad while you still have the chance..........I bet you will end up feeling better.
I think there is a lot of truth in that 49er. Our parents showed love in different ways....and with our romaticized perception of how things are NOW, sometimes leaves us feeling unloved. I suppose it's no different than the relationships we observe in the movies. (family or otherwise) The reality is, most of us don't say the things that come across so eloquently on TV. (Oh, for a writer....where IS a writer when you need one)
I know my mother showed love, but in a discreet fashion. My father didn't know the meaning of love.....just force and brutality.
That too is the case sometimes. It certainly doesn't hold true for all.
Yeah there is this super scholar chinese girl in KC who was one of the best violinist in the country won a bunch of awards. Well she couldn't take the constant abuse that her family would put on her. Apparently they'd make her stand naked in a corner and whip her and shame her. She was on the fast track to Harvard and stardom but she got into a fight with her mother and just couldn't take it anymore and stabbed her to death with scissors. At 18 I believe she is being tried for the death penalty.
That poor, persecuted child. It sounds like justifiable homicide to me. Surely she wouldn't be given the death penalty for that in view of all the abuse she took.
Can't find the orginal article because it has gotten too old. Actually she can't be tried for the death penalty (thank god) because of the supreme court banning under 18 childern being tried for the death penalty last year.
But the girl does have a wikipedia profile:
[A href="vny!://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esmie_Tseng"]vny!://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esmie_Tseng[/A]
[A onclick="Controls.setCurrentVideo(4883335,['kc1','Teen Faces Murder Charge In Mother\'s Stabbing ']); return false;" href="vny!://www.thekansascitychannel.com/news/4883301/detail.html#"][img id=image4882681 height=180 alt="Esmie Tseng " src="vny!://www.thekansascitychannel.com/2005/0822/4882681_240X180.jpg" width=240 border=0][/A]
purelife wrote:
Do you know clues that girls give off if they are interested in you? If I was a guy, I would feel more comfortable asking a girl out if I knew that she was kind of interested in me.
As a female, I know these "clues" or what we call "body language" that I would be glad to share with you if you're interested.
as a guy, i would love it if some of you girls would share. i know girls get just as frustrated as to why guys dont seem interested when the girls think they are giving obvious clues.
from a guys standpoint, the clues are not as clear to us as you might think.
I don't think I give 'clues'. Maybe....but I don't think so. I think that common interests or a similar sense of humour are the draw for me.
edit: (I just noticed that this didn't explain a darned thing) [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/liebe/g038.gif" border=0]
kingy wrote:[em][/em]
[div style="font-style: italic;"]from a guys standpoint, the clues are not as clear to us as you might think.[/div]
Speaking strictly from my personal experience, that would be the understatement of the century. (//forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/14.gif)
There are members of my family I still will not speak to because of things they did (step-grandmother allowing my mother to be abused by her father for example). I've never spoken to her and have zero desire other than to call her "Grandma" since she told my brother, when he once called her that, that she was too young to be his grandma. Bitch.
But, with my own daughter I took my upbringing and used what I'd experienced and what I had learned about myself to stop a cycle of abuse that ran through generations. It stopped with me. My daughter has never been verbally or physically abused (not even a spanking) and she graduated a year early as valedictorian of her class. She won't be an abusive parent because she never had a bigger person hitting her.
I didn't want kids because of all the rage I had and my fear I would hurt them, but... I knew what I didn't want, and made a true effort not to have it part of her life.
You can't blame other people for who you are. You're the only one that knows what it is like to be in your skin, and you have ultimate control over your emotions and who you are. Anyone that says otherwise is using other people as a crutch or an excuse for their own shortcomings.
You are absolutely right and have learned to accept that that was how my parents were raised. I know that my dad loves me a lot and that he worked hard for the household.
I'll have to start another thread about the "signs."
49er wrote:
purelife wrote:
........ We've never really been close. I have never received a hug from my dad and it was only once that I hugged him when I left at the airport.[/DIV]
This happens so much in immigrant families. Many immigrant families, particularly Chinese, have such difficulties showing their love for their children as westerners do publicly or privately. Remember they themselves never experienced the kisses or hugs from their parents, I bet if back in the old country their strict code of behavior would be considered normal.....your dad love you no less. His way of showing love for the family was worked his ass off to provide shelter and food on the table for the family so his kids will have an easier time. His early curfews and strict rules were his ways, as he knew, to protect his daughter ....remember also during this period he was under extreme pressure to adjust to a new world and likely was taking a lot of crap at work because he was a FOB. You, on the other hand, was carefree, still a child going to school and being assimilated into western culture.
Make the move, go home and visit, talk with your dad while you still have the chance..........I bet you will end up feeling better.
I have several that we don't really keep in touch. It's not that we had a fight or anything like that.... we kinda just drifted off. We only get together when there's something major happening.
Can't quite top you guys in this department. I guess in a way, I'm lucky.