Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

Started by Russ, Dec 14 06 01:24

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DDD

#600
May 07 10 12:39
[FONT color=#003366 size=7]9 WORDS WOMEN USE[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=5](1)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Fine:[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is the word women use to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](2)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Five Minutes: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](3)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Nothing:[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is the calm before the storm.[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](4)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Go Ahead: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](5)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Loud Sigh: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](6)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]That's Okay: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](7)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Thanks:[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.   (I want to add - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - then it is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](8)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5] Whatever: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]Is a women's way of saying S[/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5 face=Tahoma].[/FONT][A title=blocked::mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW href="mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW"][FONT title=blocked::mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW color=#993300 size=5 face=Tahoma][U title=blocked::mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW]C.R.E.W.[/U][/FONT][/A][FONT color=#993300 size=5]YOU! [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](9)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Don't worry about it, I got it: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.[/FONT]
[FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=5]* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=5]avoid if they remember the terminology.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6]* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true.[/FONT]
[FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]    
God is great, beer is good and people are crazy!

P.C.

#601
May 07 10 01:16
Hahaha  That's gooooood.  
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Orik

#602
May 08 10 01:41
good but this ones better..

Statistical Findings:
 
 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
 
 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
 
 36% of the women favour nudity
 
 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
 
 46% of the women experienced anal sex
 
 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
 
 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
 
 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
 
 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
 
 Conclusion:
 
 Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in  the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the  office at the end of the day.
 
 Moral:
 
 Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.
 
Never give up Never surrender Fight with ur last breath Fight 2 live & Fight 2 survive. Never say never & never say die. There comes a time when all will die A time we transcend & attain our place afterlife. My Fight is not yet done, I'm tired & I'd like to go home, But I'm not ready to go just yet.

Escaped Goat

#603
May 10 10 04:50
[br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 127);"] [table style="color: rgb(0, 0, 127);"][tbody][tr][td width="500"][font face="verdana" size="3"]A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,  multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around  his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
 
 "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of  golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls  into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was  rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear  end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a  golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of  the cow's butt.  That's when I made my big mistake."
 
 "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
 
 "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this  looks like yours!  I don't remember much after that!"[/font][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]  

DDD

#604
May 10 10 05:16
LOL.....nice one
God is great, beer is good and people are crazy!

DDD

#605
May 17 10 02:37
 [DIV class=replyBody] [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: times new roman, new york, times, serif; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  [/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was  97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.[SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. [/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off in a short time. [/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label on that read: [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT color=#0000ff size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]'Goldberg Air Conditioner,' [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]on the dashboard of each car  in which it was installed.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs[FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][FONT color=#000080][FONT size=3][SPAN class=700151520-17052010]'[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]name on two million Fords. [SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"]   [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just[SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]their FIRST names would be shown.[SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show the names -- [/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][FONT color=#0000ff size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Lo, Norm, Hi, &  Max [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] on the controls.[/SPAN][/FONT]

[DIV align=left][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[/DIV]
God is great, beer is good and people are crazy!

Gopher

#606
May 27 10 08:07
 The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.  The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

  The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

  "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

  This time the Marine didn't say a word.  He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

  The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

  An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"[/DIV]
A fool's paradise is better than none.

DDD

#607
May 27 10 08:59
LOL ^^^^^^^^^ good one
God is great, beer is good and people are crazy!
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