Hello Orik,
You really sound like the guy I've been crushing on. When I was about to risk a relationship with him, he has done something that he must have known that it would hurt me even in the long run. Now we've stopped talking to each other. Here's a note I've written for him, but instead of giving it to him, I'll share it here:
I'm not looking forward to hurt you nor myself again. We actually should go our own ways and stop torturing each other, but I don't lose feelings for you the way I would with others. It does not mean that I can stand being hurt. It means that there are some things about you and something about us that can never be replaced. It started many years ago and has not changed, only disguised.
If there's something you don't understand about me, ask me. I'll tell you straightforwardly. If there's something you want to tell me, I want to see you, hear what you want to say, and give you something that should have long ago belonged to you.
I want to accept you, forgive you; I want to be with you, but I need to know who you are, who you really are. You have opened up. You have been frank, but you have also pretended and hid from me. I want to see you. I want to hear, really hear what you say.
I don't want to wake up from a fading dream and panic, asking myself, "who is he, who is he?" In the dream, it was so vivid. You wanted to sacrifice for me, and I would not let you, not because I self-pitied, but because I felt that I did not deserve it.
In reality, on and off from years ago and even after I've been hurt again and again, I still love you, only you.
