Dee now knows.

[Alec BALD one]

  Well this is a first. Three (3) entries in one day.  If ever  I needed proof that I have absolutely no life, here it is.
     I'm watching Forest Gump & seeing as how today is Mysoginy day for me, I may as well offer my views on one aspect of the movie.
    Amidst all kinds of symbolism in the movie, there's one that stands out for me & that being how the nice guys always finish last, when it comes to women. I'm talking of course, about how the Charachter "Jenny" always manages to get herself into all kinds of trouble, always hooks up with guys that treat her like crap & yet, always manages to not only be rescued by a man who truly loves her, but she won't love him back. Again, acknowledging this is only a movie, but I know for a FACT, that this particular phenomenon is taken from real life.  I've seen it, I've experienced it myself. I've seen women who know that someone's in love with them & they exploit that weakness in him & use their evil feminine wiles to manipulate the guy to achieve their selfish  goals. You see it. Time & time again, play out through history. Women using men, GOOD men, who worship the  ground they walk on, & in some cases - would give their very lives. Of course not every woman is like this, I admit that. Hell, I even acknowledge that there are some good ones out there, though rare as they may be. And, to give the ladies equal time, I also admit there are men who do the same thing.
     I guess what it boils down to is risk.  KNOWING that if you open yourself up to a relationship you RISK getting hurt. But you also risk finding love & happiness.

[Alec BALD one]

   Ok. I've just downed my first coffee & I can feel the ol' synapses kicking in, so time to make today's entry.
      As yesterday was a typical rainy, grey Vancouver Saturday & it was customary for me to visit D on Saturdays, I just wasn't up for it. And knowing, that if I was to call him & cancel, I'd get the standard guilt trip, in his classic Child-like response, so I figured, knowing that's what I would get if I called him to cancel, I'd just let him figure it out.  I've done it before & you think he'd get the message, but he sticks to his old ways.  I guess when you're 83 years old, depressed & blind, it can be hard finding motivation to change.
      But, I called him early this morning, with my fake story about how I completely lost track of the days & didn't realize that yesterday was Saturday.  You see, I've heard him tell me himself, how he loses track of the days, being retired, so being out of work myself, I figured he could relate. And of course, he bought it.  After I had to endure a cold greeting of: "Helo Alec" when he first picked up the phone, but once I launched into my bullcrap story, he came around.  Man, I am such a manipulator!  It's a shame I couldn't profit from such talents, but the MAN says you need to go to all kinds of schools & courses to get your Psychology certificate, just so you can screw with people's minds on a legitimate basis.  
      Oh well, I'll just continue using my tools to my own ends then. As I write, it is yet, another grey day, here in Raincouver, although the sun does seem to be making a heroic effort to break through. They should sell tickets. It might turn out to be an epic battle. I can hear the play-by-play call:
    [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]"Clouds are doing a very good job of covering the zone, as they set up in a Cumulo Nimbus formation. Very little movemen...WAIT...just above St. Paul's Hospital, there's a hole, the Sun's working on it...The clouds double back - it's gonna be close...is it....is it...NO!  a FANTASTIC save by the clouds, shutting the door at the last second!"[/span]
 [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]COLOR COMMENTATOR: "You could see Jim, the Sun saw through the clouds Trap & they weren't gonna hold back & they went for it, but were robbed by a very good Clouds defence."[/span]
    Oh crap. Did I just write that?  I really need help. I know they say a mind is a terrible thing to waste, but sometimes, with some of the stuff that comes outta MY head, I tend to think the world might be better off withOUT mine.  

[Alec BALD one]

 Ok.
 Gonna take a chance here & start writing before I've ven finished my coffee & hope something comes out.
    So here it is, Monday Feb. 26 already & I just happen to glance at my Daytimer & I see I've got my next appointment with my Shrink already. I remember leaving his office last time, which I SWEAR was only yesterday & not over a week ago, being armed with all kinds of Back-to-Work resources & I was to report back to him next time (Today, as it turns out) & tell him how it went. My question simply is this:
 How the HELL did 7 days get by me so quickly???  I'm serious. I really feel like I only saw him like a couple of days ago & I had all kinds of time, but it's been a WEEK already? Now I remember. When I was in this position a couple of years ago (Just having been fired & waiting around for my R.O.E.)  I remember time just flying by then & it's gotten me thinking. One of the worst things Depression takes from you is time.  As time is linear, every second we lose is gone forever & can never be replaced.  Here, not only am I battling Depression, but S.A.D. as well. And when you are trying to save every penny you have, your motivation to go out is further reduced, for fear you might spend money.
     All these elements combined with the constantly crappy weather, create this vortex, who's only function is to suck time into it's void.  The way a Black Hole sucks all matter, including light itself right out of existence (Billions & billions of stars...he says in his best Carl Sagan voice)
     So then, here I am. in a scarce few hours, I have to report back to my Shrink that I haven't followed up on all those Employment resources he researched for me. "Why not?" I can hear him query. "You had all kinds of time. I don't understand..." & I'll look him squarely in the eye & say: "That's exactly the reason Doc. Because I had all kinds if time."

[Alec BALD one]

         The FIRST indication I had that the day would be bad, was as I was dropping the garbage off & I bent down to puck up a piece that had fallen when, RIIIIP!
 unfortunately, I've had so many of these telltale weightgain signs, these past few years, that I've been able to recognize the sound & STOP my movement immediately to minimize the damage. As I said, I've been putting on Doug Weight over this past year &  especially this past month, where I've been pretty much sedintary. At least when I was working, I had a 20 min. walk to work & 20 walk home. SOME excercise at least. But now, as I said none. & especially with the crap weather, no motivation to go out for a walk even. I tell ya, Vancouver would be the greatest city in the WORLD, if it wasn't for the damn rain!
     But anyway, sustaining minimal damage to my pants, I counted myself lucky. I checked my mailbox on the way back & voila! FINALLY the company had mailed my my blessed R.O.E. I had already structured my day around my visit to my Shrink & I figured, I had waited this long, I could wait one more day to turn it in to E.I.
     On the bus trip out to Dunbar, I worked some more on my book & continued working right on up to the Substop, where I planned to kill off an hour, when I saw that my phone was ringing.  It was Melissa (Dee's Caregiver) For the 1st time since I'd known her, she sounded shaken.  She had just dropped Dee off at Emergency. He was having breathing trouble.  Actually, he had been having trouble for a couple of months, but apparently it was bad enough today, that he had to go to Hospital.  Well there I am. Stuck in Dunbar, without a car & a Shrink appt. in less than an hour.  I told Melissa that I would be to the Hospital as soon as I was done here. (It was too late to cancel & now, I really NEEDED to talk to someone therapeutic.)
     As expected, My Shrinks 1st inquiry was how the job search had gone, when I told him what had happened, the conversation quickly turned to my concern for my Father & my fear that I may lose him this time. He soon brought me around to the fact that I WILL lose him eventually & that we all die & that he is 83 & wasn't even supposed to reach his 70's with his history of heart problems. Yes, I broke down in tears during that session, I bared my heart for my love of my Father, when I got a call, as I was in the Shrink's office.  It was Dee himself!  He told me he was ok for the moment & that they would be keeping him overnight to run some tests.  I felt like I, WE had ducked a cannonball. I had been given another chance with my Father.  I also took away some valuable truths from this visit to my Shrink. Some things to help keep me me grounded. Yes, I will lose my Father someday. Yes I will lose my Mother someday & yes I will die myself, someday. But until these events happen, we are powerless to change what must be. All you can do, is to try to make the most you can of the time you have with the ones you love.  

[Gopher]

You're dead right there, Alec.

[Alec BALD one]

          Uh-oh.  I shouldn't be doing this.  Writing before the coffee kicks in. I'm seriously tempting mediocrity here. I'll just have to hope it takes effect before I'm through with this post.
     I sent this email to Tuna:
 
 [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Hi Tuna.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]F.Y.I. - I DID receive my R.O.E. in the mail yesterday. Thank you.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]This now brings to conclusion my association with The Company.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Please pass along my Deepest thanks to everyone. in particular, my former co-workers.  I know they all tried their best & beyond & I will[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]always[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]be thankful for their efforts. I'm only sorry they couldn't get value for[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]their[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]investment.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]    They are the most intelligent & brightest people I have ever had the[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]privilege of working with.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]& I know they all will do well in their careers.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Tuna,[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]  I know you really stuck your neck out for me on this. I give you credit[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]for not saying it, but I would imagine you're quite disappointed I didn't[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]pan out. I am truly sorry that I wasn't of material. All I can tell you is[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]I[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]tried my best & I take that knowledge with me.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]   I'm the 1st to admit, I have alot of growing up to do & alot of[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]problems.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]But, one thing I DID learn from you, during my time is the courage to start[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]to tackle those problems. I grew more this past year, than at any other[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]time[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]in my life. As you recall, at the start, I couldn't even envision myself[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]working downtown, the stuff we did on the company picnic - are you KIDDING me?  &[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]the trip to Vegas.  All significant milestones in my life - all thanks to[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]you. Again, I WISH I had been able to measure up. Maybe someday I might be[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]of such account, but unfortunately as we both found out. I'm not there just[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]yet.  I'm sure Russ said to you many times: "What's WITH that guy?" & I[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]don't[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]even want to imagine the number of times you had to defend me to him.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Again,[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]I certainly never intended you to look bad because of me.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]     We now both have our separate lifepaths to go down.  & while they may[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]not be intertwined professionally, I hope I still can call you my friend.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Regardless, I will always consider you mine.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]    Ok, before I well up here I'll close this off.  I'm gonna send a[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]separate email to Lee, as I have some things I need to say to her too.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Take care, Tuna.[/span][br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [br style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"] [span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"]Alec.[/span]
 
 I got the following response:
 
 
 [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Hi Alec.,[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Glad to hear the ROE arrived - hope that helps you with the next steps on[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]your path.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]No need to worry about the impact on me of you Company experience, and as[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]for Russ, I never once had to defend you to him. He was always looking for[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]ways to help you, even more than I, and he's a very decent man. Just last[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Fri he was asking about you and how you're doing and if there are ways[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]the Company could still help.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]I'm also not disappointed at all - we both tried our best and that's all[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]one can do. At the end of the day, it wasn't the right fit, that's all.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]There is somewhere out there that is the right fit for you, but as you[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]mention, it'll probably require a change in perspective on your part and[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]some growth - it's all part of the journey and we all go thru it in our own[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]ways.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]As for our friendship, I never considered you anything but a friend.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]However, I do feel that for the moment, you need to sort out the path of[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]your life and I think that's something you need to do on your own, which is[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]why I haven't been in contact. I know in my journey, things didn't start[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]going right until I had no other option (and no one left to lean on) but to[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]make sure it went right. Tough love, I guess, and I worry about you often,[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]but I think in the long run I'm doing the right thing.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Hope things go well for you Alec and keep in touch. And keep your chin up[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]- it's all about learning and moving forward.[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Take care, old friend![/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Best regards,[/span][br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"] [span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"]Tuna.
 
 [span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"]While the temptation is to react emotionally to the part in his response that stands out for me in this & say to myself: "So, he's washing his hands of me then. Fine. Screw him!"  I know deep in my heart that, in fact is not his intention at all.
      In fact, here is an opportunnity for me to learn from a previous mistake, for it was my reacting emotionally on an email that got me fired from this job in the 1st place. The healing has begun.
     So at least we part, temporarily hopefully - on good terms.
     As for D, of course I went to visit him in the hospital & also visited Mother. How many people can say they have BOTH their parfents in the hospital?
 I read to each of them my latest entries in my book & got the much welcomed enthusiastic support. I have to remember to take their reactions in perspective too, though - for the book is largely about them too, & of course they are going to be biased towards me. What I really need is some detatched, professional input.
    I also got a bit of a scare in the news, when I found out that my brand of Dope, Effexor has been known to cause fatalities in large doses. Well no SH*T!
 I remember back 2 years ago, when I was up to 300 mg. & was experiencing an irregular heartbeat, my Doc just said: "That's normal"  Well, given my family's history of heart attacks, I'm lucky I didn't have a Coronary back then.
      Doctors & their pill pushing cures for Depression!  Now I wonder just how many Doctors / Shrinks have blindly prescribed Antidepressants without knowing their side effects?[/span][/span]