Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Russ]

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow Disease.

Herself: "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that my bull rides that cow once a year?"

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"

Seamus: "Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?"

The Lady: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer:"I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you go f**king mad?"      

[49er]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.  She asks him why he is staring.  

  He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

  She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."  

  She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

  "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."  

  The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

  "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"  

  "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[kitten]

 Strange "Insults With Class!"

  "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

  "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

  "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a  friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

  "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response

  "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

  "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

  "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

  "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

  "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

  "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr.

 

[Lise]

How do you know if you're facing Captain Picard?

 Because you are blinded by the reflection off his head

 

[49er]

funny speeches in link below

          [A href="vny!://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=4hbernb"]link[/A]

[Russ]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

================================================== ===

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed
and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling,
what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because
you farted and I was trying to breathe.[!-- / message --][!-- sig --]

[TehBorken]

 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
 "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
 
 The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
 
 He flicked it on.
 
 "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"
 
 Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
 
 "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
 
 The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
 
 The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Russ]

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

[49er]

 On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese.

American asked Vietnamese, "What kind of "ese" are you?

"Excuse me?"

"What kind of "ese" are you?"

"Excuse me, I don't understand what you meant."

"Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?"

"Oh! I am a Vietnamese."

After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: "What kind of "kee" are you?

"What? What do you mean by key?"[/DIV]"Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee."

[Lise]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

 

[Lise]

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his water bed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion".

Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".  

[49er]

you guys going to find this funny....[A href="vny!://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=351x37q"]Bush/Condo Conversation[/A]  

[Lise]

ROTFL. Ahhh...... good one, 49er.

    John died suddenly.

When the pathologist was doing the autopsy he was amazed at the enormous size of John's penis.

'Sorry John', he said,'but I can't allow something as amazing as that to be cremated'. So he cut it off and put it in his bag.

When he got home that night he could not resist showing it to his wife. 'Have you ever seen anything like that', he said.

'My God, John's dead?!' she replied.

[49er]

two menopausal women stressed out from Christmas shopping......[A href="vny!://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=4drkb5w"]menopausal women[/A]

[Ally]

Joke: What do you call cheese that's not yours?

                              Answer: N-ach-o cheese