A question for the girls...

Started by O'Conner, Nov 11 06 11:02

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O'Conner

A bit confused here, need advice:

I met this nice and cool girl at my first week at work in training. We hit it off as friends during that week and I'm sure I also mentioned that I had a g/f. Anyway the last day of week and just before we were about to get off, our work IM's were activated and we all started to add eachother's id's to our contact lists and send play messages. I sent her this IM "Wanna go out on a date?" thinking for sure she'd know I only meant as friends and no guy in their right mind would seriously ask a girl out like that. Do you think that I was a bit over the top the way I "casually meant" to suggest hanging out?
Anyways, she jumped all over it and said "Yes!" where I thought she was just fooling around and we even got into details when we'd meet and do. She even gave me a ride to my car as I parked a couple blocks down the street.
It was all good until she sent me this text message a couple hours later when I was at home saying that she just got out of a rough relationship recently and wanted to just be friends. It was then I knew that she was serious and thought my earlier proposal was serious too. I replied back saying that I didn't mean it that way and only meant to hang out as friends in the first place. It was all good at that point too until she replied back and text she "knows how hard it is for guys and that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings etc..." Wtf.
I text back that this whole thing got weird and that I wouldn't contact her at from now on and didn't she know that I mentioned having a g/f already and good luck with recovery and take care so on.
I thought that would be IT but then she texts back saying that I was being anal and we can still be friends and all. I replied back politely for her to take some time to herself and take care, then she replied back to get the last word. Then I just stopped texting back period.

I dunno, is she just saving face or does she like me or what? Kind of have a feeling she was attracted to me. I really don't want anything to do with her anymore but she has a couple friends at the office-there's a total of about a thousand employees there- and I'm wondering if she's going to try and spread some crap about me. Why did I even bother?


Do I have anything to worry about? Maybe I didn't know her all that well as I thought I did, and only a week too. Are these the signs of a stalker? Help.
 

purelife

Well, O'Connor, sounds like you got yourself into a mess.  It wasn't wise of you to start off by asking her to go on a date.  You just DO NOT use those words when you're in a relationship.  It would've been better if you said "Wanna go for lunch at around noonish?"  You've got to take some responsibility for making her think that YOU were interested in her.  You did start this.  Don't make it sound like you were the victim here.  You wanted her to like you. You wanted to go on a date with her.  You wanted the attention she was giving you at the office.  You wanted it.  You obviously didn't set your boundaries and standards THAT YOU HAD A GIRL FRIEND from the get go.  Prove me wrong if this wasn't the case.  When I read your post, this was what I felt.
 
 If you're worried about her spreading "rumors" about you, it's better if you tell your g/f.  Do you want her to tell your g/f?  Probably not. It'll be better if your g/f heard the situation from you first instead of this girl.  Tell her that it was all a simple misunderstanding and that you don't plan to talk to her anymore.
 
 
   

Pat

O'Connor, she's right. You're being anal.  Just be cool, have coffee with her, chat casually and leave that misunderstanding behind.  But, you're probably too anal for that.
 
   
 

O'Conner

 [table style="table-layout: fixed;" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr][td rowspan="2" style="overflow: hidden;" valign="top" width="16%"][a href="index.php?action=profile;u=18" title="View the profile of purelife"]purelife[/a]                      [div class="smalltext"]                         Hero Member
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                         [a href="index.php?action=profile;u=18"]View Profile[/a]                      [/div]                   [/td]                   [td height="100%" valign="top" width="85%"]                      [table border="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr]                         [td align="left" valign="middle"][a href="index.php/topic,3110.msg33763.html#msg33763"][img]Themes/default/images/post/xx.gif" alt="" border="0"][/a][/td]                         [td align="left" valign="middle"]                            [a href="index.php/topic,3110.msg33763.html#msg33763"]Re: A question for the girls...[/a]                            [div class="smalltext"]« Reply #1 on: Nov 11 06 »[/div][/td]                         [td style="font-size: smaller;" align="right" height="20" nowrap="nowrap" valign="bottom"]                            [a href="index.php?action=post;quote=33763;topic=3110.0;num_replies=2;sesc=e6a88dd7d5cb20a335c75a2362d056d2" onclick="if (!currentSwap) doQuote(33763); else window.location.XXXX = this.href; return false;"]Reply with quote[/a]                         [/td]                      [/tr][/tbody][/table]                      [hr class="hrcolor" size="1" width="100%"]                      [div style="overflow: auto; width: 100%;"]Well, O'Connor, sounds like you got yourself into a mess.  It wasn't wise of you to start off by asking her to go on a date.  You just DO NOT use those words when you're in a relationship.  It would've been better if you said "Wanna go for lunch at around noonish?"  You've got to take some responsibility for making her think that YOU were interested in her.  You did start this.  Don't make it sound like you were the victim here.  You wanted her to like you. You wanted to go on a date with her.  You wanted the attention she was giving you at the office.  You wanted it.  You obviously didn't set your boundaries and standards THAT YOU HAD A GIRL FRIEND from the get go.  Prove me wrong if this wasn't the case.  When I read your post, this was what I felt.
 
 If you're worried about her spreading "rumors" about you, it's better if you tell your g/f.  Do you want her to tell your g/f?  Probably not. It'll be better if your g/f heard the situation from you first instead of this girl.  Tell her that it was all a simple misunderstanding and that you don't plan to talk to her anymore.
 
 
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[/td][/tr][/tbody][/table][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]Thanks, I think you're right that I maybe wanted her to like me. It's not so much that will it get back to my g/f I really don't care b/c I can tell her myself. What I'm trying to find out is even after I told her to take time to heal from this last relationship she had she kept still wanting to be my friend when I really don't want to. I'm prolly not going to see her again in the building and don''t have probs having coffee with her either.
Just want to know from you ladies what sort of mindset you think she's in. If she likes me then that's cool who's saying you can't be friends and still be a bit attracted to that person but someone who just kept texting back and back and back to me in the course of an hour was just too weird. I dunno I'm just a guy and maybe we like to avoid these kinds of conflicts altogether. But I thought be offering her some time to herself was what she initially wanted and I tried to accomodate that.


   

purelife

Right now, O'Connor, just stay under the radar.  Don't get involved (unless you want to).  Stay at an "acquaintance" level.  Just leave it as is because you wouldn't want to complicate anything than it already is.  
 
   

Lise

Bottom line: WHY O WHY were you going out with her in the first place? That's the first mistake. You mentioned you already have a GF, then wth are you doing going out with another woman? Friends and flirting are one thing, it's quite another to go out and get involve even though it seems all innocent to you.

  "Wanna go out on a date?"

  That, my friend, is like opening a whole can of worms if you don't intend for it to go anywhere. You should have heard the warning light go on when she said 'yes' to your request. Even if you realized your mistake and decide to back down, you should add that 'hey, we can go out together. My GF knows this great place. Let's all meet together.' As in a big group.

  In any case, it's probably a good idea to not meet with her. Break off any contact. You can still see her (as in, in the hallway or whatever), a brief 'hi' and 'how are you?' is probably sufficient but I wouldn't go beyond that.

  And who gives a fudge what other co-worker think? I wouldn't care about what they think just so long as you make it clear that you've got nothing to hide and that you are her are just aquaintances. (spelling).

  In future, DO NOT go out alone with another woman. You already have a GF for crying out loud!

  Good luck.          
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby.

O'Conner

 Thanks purelife.

Lise, I dunno I obviously didn't think it thru before I sent that IM. I also forgot to mention that I DID APOLOGIZE when I texted her.

I mean everything was so good until this screwup. Even though I don't like conflict I'm always the type who looks for closure. Her number's already been erased from my cell along with the messages so there's no reason for me to get into contact with her again.

I think the underlying issue here when I think back on it is that I was sort of attracted to her too. Do you know when you've been with someone for so long and been faithful all that time you wonder if you still have it b/c the only feedback you get is from a single source? Whatever, I guess it means it's been that long.
To be honest my work is more important to me than anything else and I landed a good opportunity to work for this fortune 500 company. I suppose if she were a psychopath she could go to HR and tell them I asked her out in IM-can she do that????? What a mess. My apologies if I offended some of you guys like me are stupid sometimes when we don't think.

You know what's dumber-before I read your last post purelife I text her earlier today if we were still cool and she hasn't responded. So much for closure. Okay, under the radar I can do that now.
   

Pat

 You're taking it way too seriously, and seem to weave complicated webs the more you go on about it.  Do your job and don't get too distracted.  Be courteous and nice to her if you pass by her or whatever, and it'll be ok.  Getting all wound-up about it will do you no good. Just be cool, dawg.
   
 

O'Conner

 Thanks I'll try. Just that I had someone try and screw me over a few years ago for breaking it off with her and back then I was single! and now I'm tripping. But you're right. Move on.  

purelife

[span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"]I think the underlying issue here when I think back on it is that I was sort of attracted to her too. Do you know when you've been with someone for so long and been faithful all that time you wonder if you still have it b/c the only feedback you get is from a single source?[/span]
 [hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]I understand that it's tough to just keep with one relationship.  The way I look at is is that we've come along for so many years and been through so much together.  Could you really throw everything that you and your girl shared for these past years down the drain?  All for a girl that you felt attracted to?  You can't.  It's VERY normal for guys who are in relationships to want that feeling of being wanted and to feel like you haven't lost your "spunk" with girls.  It's tough and it takes a lot of self control to not push any friendship with a female further than that level.  All you need to remind yourself is that you're with a girl who loves you so very much and remenesce on the days that you spent together.  Don't throw these memories away for some girl who probably wouldn't want to love you or be with you like your girl does.  
 
 There's that saying.  Look, but do not touch.  Flirt but don't let the touching get involved.  Always be alerted when a girl makes a move on you.  Stay focus and stay on track.  You mustn't lead her on.  If you do, you're looking to cheat on your girl and that, is not the way you want to go.  The cheaters route is the losers route, in my opinion.  It's the dishonesty route.  What you do to others, someone will do to you.  Don't risk it.
 
 Take it as a compliment that she is attracted to you, nothing more.  
   

P.C.

The Grass is always Greener on the other side of the septic tank.
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

purelife

The Grass is always Greener on the other side of the septic tank.

Oooo...I know an association to that.  TOILET!

oops, wrong thread.  ;D

Lise

Most definitely about the flirting part. Flirt to a point but know when to cross the line.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby.

kingy

you girls are way too nice. i guess i am so used to dv where he would of gotten ripped into for doing such a dumb move.
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