My Best Friend's Wedding

[Lisa Maree]

*sigh* Who would have though planning my own wedding would have been easier than working with my friend!

I need a little advice. In our group there are four of us who are tight - myself, the Bride-to-be, Mandy, and Sherry.  So Bride-to-Be decides she isn't going to include Sherry in the bridal party.  She decided she wanted her sister in the party, which is fair enough, so that leaves Sherry out.  The only thing is, she hasn't told Sherry she isn't in the bridal party.  She figures that because she just hadn't invited her to be in the wedding party that she doesn't have to tell her she's out.  I mean, Bride-to-be asked her what she thought of dresses and colours, etc.  

Now my dilema is, I think the Bride should tell Sherry that she won't be in the wedding party.  Bride thinks she should just avoid it.  I can't be the one to tell Sherry she's out.  She just had a misscarriage and I hate seeing her cry.  So what should I do about it?  Nothing?  Say something to Bride?  I just don't know!

[Good Times]

Lisa Maree wrote:
"In our group there are four of us who are tight - myself, the Bride-to-be, Mandy, and Sherry."

 If this was DV...

 oh the FUN I would've had interpreting that sentence!  [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/d040.gif" border=0]  

[primefactor]

Lisa Maree wrote:
 So Bride-to-Be decides she isn't going to include Sherry in the bridal party.  She decided she wanted her sister in the party, which is fair enough, so that leaves Sherry out.  The only thing is, she hasn't told Sherry she isn't in the bridal party.

 Why not have Sherry AND her sister? If B-T-B is really good friend with Sherry, unless sherry MUST be excluded for some reason, like she's a crazy drunk or something, why not have an extra bride's maid? I think that people who adhere rigidly to some silly "balance" with the attending friends are being very shallow. At my wedding, the attendants were "unbalanced," the dresses were lovely but didn't have to match each other, and at the last minute we ended up with a three-year old clutching a Barney doll as one of my attendants. Everyone said it was the most beautiful wedding they'd ever seen, because it was about friendship, not making some ridiculous photo out of a magazine.

Everyone contributed a skill as their wedding gift -- one friend did the flowers, several took amazing photos, a few did delicious food, one made the cake, some helped with planning and decorating... We did the whole thing for under a thousand dollars, and it was plenty formal and fancy. Why not tell B-T-B to relax and enjoy a day with her family, friends, and life partner, and not stress about details like having a balanced photograph of people wearing matching dresses that they will never wear again? When I look at our photos, I never think of how I was nervous, or felt like Cinderella, or anything, I just remember a day of joy with my friends, and all the little unexpected moments make it a more delightful memory. Eleven years, and happy as ever!

[Lisa Maree]

Good Times!  I guess Discover Seattle has made me drop my gaurd.  I usually stay away from set-ups like that hahaha

Prime, thank you so much!  This is such great advice. How just figuring out how to tell Bride about it hehe

[P.C.]

As trivial as these issues are in the BIG picture, they seem to have a lasting affect.  How big a problem would it be to have 5 bridesmaids instead of 4.[/DIV]Tell her things look better in odd numbers. (heeheeeee)

[tim]

maybe make her a special "bride's maid of honor" or something like that. i don't know anything about marriage ceremonys but there must be some special thing she can do that would be part of it.

[primefactor]

P.C. wrote:
How big a problem would it be to have 5 bridesmaids instead of 4.  Absolutely. Tell your friend that no one is going to be sitting there saying, "Can you believe it? There are 4 groomsmen and 5 bride's maids! How tacky! The marriage is clearly doomed." Tell her to remember that she's not hosting a party to please her guests. Don't spend lots of time worrying about what the guests are thinking. Don't wonder, Are they having fun? Is the music right? Is it okay to have Uncle Bob and Aunt Trudy at the same table, now that they're divorced? Are the gift bags the best they've ever gotten at a wedding? What if someone has a special diet? Blah blah blah.

Tell her to remember that her friends are there to witness her commitment, to add their joy to her own, to support her and love her. The original purpose of marriage ceremonies was to have the support and witnessing of your community, not to dazzle everyone with a dynamic and original never-to-be-outdone Broadway show. Relax and have FUN!

I think that to some degree, a bride's obsessing over details is a subconscious effort to be "in control" during a time of transition when she's embarking on a new chapter of her life. Control is an illusion, my wise mother always says. The ability to adapt and accept the unexpected, to be lighthearted and not be derailed by it, makes for such a fun spin on this merry-go-round!


 

[kitten]

Primefactor, bless you for your wisdom and common sense.    The love and commitment are the important things.  All the rest is window dressing.  And including one's friends in what should be the happiest of days should be a given, not a question.

[Lisa Maree]

I know that it isn't such a big deal to have an unbalanced bridal party but my Bride friend puts that high on the importance list.  Even if she doesn't include Sherry in her bridal party, she should at least tell her so!  It would be terrible if she heard it from someone else or was just left to figure it out on her own.   This whole thing makes me not want to even be apart of it, and I am the Matron of Honour.  I just don't know.

Thanks you guys for your advice and opinions.  You have been very helpful!  [P align=center]

   

[P.C.]

"This whole thing makes me not want to even be apart of it, and I am the Matron of Honour.  I just don't know."[/DIV] [/DIV] [/DIV]Awwww, that's too bad LM.  I think someone is going to end up with hurt feelings.[/DIV]Hmmmmm, how bout convincing her that she really has an imbalance with 3 bridesmaids and a M. of honour.  *sigh*

[primefactor]

P.C. wrote:
I think someone is going to end up with hurt feelings.[/DIV]
I hope your friend understands that there is a good chance that even when she gets up the courage to tell her friend that she's being blown out of the bride's maid airlock, the friend will feel funny about the whole thing for, well, possibly forever. It's little slights that make the dent that starts the fruit rotting.

So, she should reality-check herself (to use a hackneyed term) and say, "In fifty years when I am elderly, will I be more delighted looking back on my balanced wedding photo, or looking back on years of laughter, fun, and support from a good friend."

One can iron out quickly a lot of what seem at the time like life's complications by holding them up to the old Death Bed test. It always helps me to put things in perspective.

Is it possible that this is one of those friendships that B-T-B has outgrown, and in a sort of passive-aggressive way, she is trying to tell [Sherry, was it?] where she now stands? I totally don't know these people, but I thought I'd ask, since I've seen that happen before, and the person just doesn't know how to create the distance they have started to want...

[P.C.]

Exactly PF.  It's happened to me. In spite of the fact I repeatedly reassured her..."I understand, really, I understand"  and MEANT IT....afterwards my charished friend and I drifted apart.  It wasn't an intentional or even a conscious thing.  It wasn't about not bowing out gracioulsy.....it just slowly happened.[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="vny!://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c020.gif" border=0]

Too much emphasis on ONE DAY is surely a recipe for disappointments.  Friendships you've had for years can be replaced for the sought after perfection for ONE DAY.  

[Lisa Maree]

I totally understand the point about hurt feelings.  I had a quickie wedding (I was pregnant and we wanted to be married before the kids came) so I let B-T-B (Susan) be in my wedding party because she insisted on being my Maid of Honour - it was important to her.  We didn't have any other people in our wedding party.  I didn't think it was a big issue until I found out from Mandy and Sherry last week that they were really hurt that they weren't in my wedding party.  Sherry had a baby a week before I might add.  Anyway, they all sat at the head table with my husband and I and were in all the wedding photos, but I guess it doesn't count because they didn't get fancy dresses to wear.  

I think part of the issue could be Sherry's wedding too.  I was Sherry's Maid of Honour but rather than having Mandy and Susan as her bride's maids, she picked someone she knew from school that wasn't a long time friend.  Mandy and Susan are still harbouring feelings of resentment about it.  I know Susan is for sure because she mentioned it when asking me if Sherry should be in her wedding party. "Well, I wasn't in hers!"  Such pettiness I tell you.

I will have a heart to heart with Bride-to-Be because I am the idiot who HAS to say something when I feel things aren't right.  Gets me into a lot of hot water.  Communication is a good thing

[Lise]

Lisa,

Your friend isn't being fair to Sherry for not being honest with her. You should step in and tell your friend to level it with Sherry to avoid future conflict.

There are so many things that the bride can allocate to Sherry without her feeling left out. She can escort the guests in, accepts presents... that sorta thing.

Honesty is the best policy. Period.

[Daly]

Lise wrote: Honesty is the best policy. Period.
So true. They should be honest about this- if not it'll end up causing MUCHO trouble later on. I personally think big elaborate weddings are a mistake.