Public Urination Linked to Al-Qaeda
St. Paul, MN
- The releasing of urine out of a 23-year-old male St. Olaf University student onto the outside wall of the "Naughty Temptations" lampshade shop shook this normally quiet community Saturday evening as its citizens grew worried that they'd become the next target of Al-Qaeda, a terrorist club based in Pakistan.
After leaving Bryan's Tap at approximately 1:30 am (exactly 1:34), Don Tarrinni signalled to his friends that they "Hold up! Yo! Hold up, dicks! I gotta piss!" a witness claimed. Though Mr. Tarrinni denies the act was premeditated, authorities claim that he, having smuggled the urine to the target in his own bladder, proceeded to release it onto perhaps St. Paul's busiest seller of lampshades and lampshade accessories.
"This was an attempt to disrupt commerce smack in the middle of our country," declared Sheriff Mike Berrar or Behre. "And we believe this crime has all the signs of being the work of Al-Qaeda. The perpetrator is kind of tan and dark-haired like they are. The crime was very sophisticated in its planning and execution. The perpetrator is known to have recently visited Cancun, which this man has never done previously. Why would he suddenly go there? We think he probably met with several other key Al-Qaeda operatives there."
Acquaintances of Mr. Tarrinni, who's now being held temporarily in Guantanamo Bay where he is not allowed to speak to other inmates or to blink or imagine things, were shocked to hear the news of his possible involvement in a crime of this nature. "I would never guess Don could do this. He was always just a, you know, good student who at the worst would go out and get really drunk once in a while," said one friend.
In attempting to freeze Mr. Tarrinni's assets, authorities realized there was no need as his account had less than the minimal amount that can be withdrawn from an ATM.
