How does this happen ???

Started by P.C., Jul 13 06 02:04

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P.C.

How many of you have a family member that doesn't speak to you (or visa versa) ?  

  How long has it been going on, and how did it start ?
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Some Chick

My mom and I have been through that a couple of times.  She (or dad) would forget I was a grownup and insult me, I in turn would wait for the apology that would never come, refusing to speak to them until it did.  Our longest period of non-contact was almost a year and I gave in when my dad called me to ask me to be the one to make the first move since Christmas was coming.  He knew how stubborn we both were and that I would do it for him if he asked, but that my mom would not.

  Most recently, about three years ago my mom was acting like a cow and I told her not to be such a bitch.  She turned around and tossed out the "c" word.  This was the weekend of my brother's wedding.  I walked out of their house and stayed over at my ex husband's house.  I went to the wedding, danced with my brother and my father, spoke not a word to my mom, and then came back to Vancouver.

  I got an email from my mom about 4 days later saying that I had conducted myself with class and that she apologized for not doing the same.  If she haddn't, it would have been another extended period of not talking.

  She's mellowing with age though.  Not so frisky and a bit more laid back.

TehBorken

  P.C. wrote:
[div style="font-style: italic;"]How many of you have a family member that doesn't speak to you (or visa versa) ?  [/div]  [div style="font-style: italic;"]How long has it been going on, and how did it start ?[/div]
 I haven't spoken to my sister in years, and don't expect to (hopefully) for years to come.
It's too long a story to go into here, but let's just say....
[ul][li]She's a f*cking whacko with a badly distorted sense of reality (our shared childhood in particular)[/li][li]She's personally irresponsible, especially when it comes to other people's money.
[/li][li]She's abusive, both verbally and physically[/li][li]She's still living in the mid-1960's (she never heard the closing bell)[/li][li]She expects the world to give her everything on a platter, no work required[/li][li]She's a liar, emotionally unstable, and unpredictable
 [/li][li]She's the consumate "Perpetual Victim", forever and ever and ever
[/li][/ul]It started when she began casting my mom in a terrible light, as the Ultimate Horrible Mother who raised us terribly, didn't do this, didn't do that, was mean to us, etc etc etc. It's just flat-out bullshit. Completely untrue, without a shred of substance to her claims. My mom busted her butt to provide for us and did a damn good job. End of story.

If you listen to my sister's version of events compared to mine, you'd have to conclude that we were raised in different homes, on different streets, in different cities, and on different planets.

She's delusional and rewrites history to fit her agenda, which seems to be alienating everyone she's ever known. There's more, much more, but that's it in a nutshell.

Ha, top that!
 
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Some Chick

I think I use the lack of communication as a power tool.  My parents were both abused as kids so they didn't really realize that their watered down version used on us was still abusive.  They simply didn't know better.

  I could have been just like your sister, but my parents and I, over many years and beer, have worked past it.  I would hate to be at this stage of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong with me.    

purelife

All of my relatives I have never spoken to other than a hello including cousins, uncle and aunts.  I rarely speak to my dad other than a hello and bye.  We've never really been close.  I have never received a hug from my dad and it was only once that I hugged him when I left at the airport.

P.C.

It never ceases to amaze me how many well adjusted people I know who are in this situation.  I'd have to say at least three quarters of our friends have at least one family member that they don't speak to (or that won't speak to them) ......(including myself).  I started thinking about this last weekend after attending a wedding.  (I wonder why people think a wedding is the place to throw these people together to sort out years of turmoil)  It starts with...."well we can't invite Aunt Ruth if Aunt Gladys is going to be there.  Well let's just invite Aunt Gladys, because nobody gets along with Aunt Ruth.  Yeah, but Uncle Ralph can't stand Aunt Gladys and if she comes, he won't.....and if he doesn't, then....." well you get the drift.

  I have a sister who I don't keep in touch with, and I really have nothing against her....(but I'm not particularly fond of her husband)  I keep telling myself how stupid this is, but never make the steps to fix it.  [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/traurig/a010.gif" border=0]  
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

P.C.

I agree Some Chick.....adult children who feel the need to blame all their problems on their parents, stop growing and seem to remain stuck in their anger.  They sure don't do any good for themselves.
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

purelife

I think that we have either grown completely lazy about the situation meaning that we don't care about it or very comfortable at where we are and don't desire the change.

  For me, I just don't see the importance in it.  My left mind tells me that it's important to have a healthy relationship with your father but my heart just doesn't give a damn anymore.  

  My parents have belted me many times before and the last belting I had was when I was 18 and got home late and late was at around 10pm.  That was how strict my parents were.  

P.C.

purelife !!!!!  Could you be my long lost sister ????  Sounds like we had the same dad.  

  I guess it matters, because our loved ones are often taken away from us right around the time we develope enough wisdom to realize the reasons that developed the wedge between our family members really were 'workable'.  Often the seed that caused the problem was trivial and then the pride factor comes into play.....who's going to 'give' first.
Sir Isaac Newton invented the swinging door....for the convenience of his cat.

Sportsdude

Yikes. Strict parents. Don't have that problem. They could understand if I got suspened from school for fighting and standing up for myself but can't stand the little stuff. Always telling me to put my dishes away, stop using different voices, act grown up. Its f*cking annoying. I'm not 5 anymore.

  Relationships with cousins and family not very good.

Hate my teenage mother cousins in KC because they treated me like shit for years and looked down on me. Well the jokes on them.

Don't even know the other part of my family. There's only 15 of us and half of them we don't speak to ever. My dad doesn't even talk to his brother. His brother is strange.

  Cousins down on the farm are strange as well.  They see everything in a farming perspective. My mom was told not to go to college because woman don't belong in the work force they belong at home raising kids by my great grandpa. What a load of shit.

Haven't talked to my uncle since he wanted to kill me for making a remark on this quilt the family was struggling to make for my cousins baby. He said he wanted to shoot me.  And he of all people pulled the sensitive card. A guy who calls all muslims 'turban heads' and anyone looking hispanic "dirty cheap mexicans".  The man is a bigot and so is son. I don't talk to him as much either. Kind of had a falling out with everyone in the family except my cousin of the bigot uncle. Were like brothers.
Sadly I don't think me and my sister will get along. We barely talk. If I ask anything its "YOU'RE MOM" or "SHUT UP" crap. I don't even know her that well because she won't talk to me. You wouldn't believe we live in the same house its that bad.  Anyway so I've always grown up in this isolationist attitude. Don't really know one side of the family we live all over the country and the other I hate do to there views on life.    
"We can't stop here. This is bat country."

purelife

Strict parents really sucked in my teen years because I was never allowed to go camping, friend sleepover, stay out later (before midnight) curfew was like at 9 or something and dating.  No boys were allowed.    

kitten

I have a sister that I can't be bothered communicating with, and vice versa.  She's slightly younger than me, but has always been bossy with a what's-in-it-for-me attitude, and would never lift a finger to help without some sort of repayment expected.  Selfish to the bone and doesn't care who she offends.  I'm glad I'm on the other side of the country.  Blood isn't always thicker than water and in her case, she's just plain thick.  She has offered to go with my 74 year old sister to the hospital for cataract surgery, if my sister will "lend" her a hundred bucks.  Decent of her, eh?  
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped.  They have not forgotten.

Sportsdude

Hah, thats funny purelife. Because I kinda put this no dating thing on me because I knew I would have been ridiculed by my younger sister. So decided that it was in my best interest to not date girls til college when I was a way from home. That was another problem nervous as hell to ask anyone out let alone say I'm going on a date to my parents. Oh the nightmare.
"We can't stop here. This is bat country."

purelife

Dating isn't important to me anymore.  I dislike getting into "relationships" and am already very hesitant about the one that I am in because I don't see myself getting married after the hell that I've been through.

  Aaargh, so frustrating.  Sometimes, I can't make up my god-damn mind.  

purelife

Do you know clues that girls give off if they are interested in you?  If I was a guy, I would feel more comfortable asking a girl out if I knew that she was kind of interested in me.

  As a female, I know these "clues" or what we call "body language" that I would be glad to share with you if you're interested.

  P.S.  Why would your sister ridicule you?  She sounds terrible.