Discover Seattle!

General Category => Discover Seattle! => Topic started by: Joker on Mar 04 06 06:38

Title: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Joker on Mar 04 06 06:38
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: LOL on Mar 04 06 06:47
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Future Canadian on Mar 04 06 08:53
A Californian moves out to a ranch in remote Montana to get a way from it all. About a month after moving in he gets a visit from a neighbor.
"Howdy! Just wanted to welcome you to the area, pardner" Says the Cowboy and they get to chatting about the weather, the land and whatnot.
After a while the Cowboy says "You know you seem like a real nice fellow. I'm havin' a party Saturday night and I'd like you to come on over. It'll be a real barn-burner I tell you. There'll dancin', fightin', f*ckin', and lotsa drinkin'"
"Hey that sounds like a great time. Should I bring anything?"
"Nah, It'll just be you and me."
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: 49er on Mar 04 06 10:13
[DIV dir=ltr align=center][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]GOLF PAIN[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][BLOCKQUOTE style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: #a0c6e5 2px solid; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0px"][BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; MARGIN: 5pt 0in 5pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #a0c6e5 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"][BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt" cite=http://][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=3][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]Two women were playing golf. One teed off, and watched in horrors[/SPAN] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together, at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"][FONT face=Tahoma][/FONT][/SPAN] [/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=3][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize[/SPAN] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=3][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]man replied.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"][FONT face=Tahoma][/FONT][/SPAN] [/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]He was still in pain, lying in the fetal position, still clasping[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"][FONT face=Tahoma size=2]his hands together in his groin. But, she persisted, and he[/FONT][/SPAN][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away,[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]and laid them to the side. [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=5][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]She loosened his pants, and [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]put her hands inside. She began to massage him,[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]and then asked, "How does that feel?"[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT size=5][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt"]He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."[/SPAN] [/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: P.C. on Mar 04 06 10:22
Hahahaha....Golfers !!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Lise on Mar 05 06 07:52
[H2]You are from Canada[/H2]
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

[OL][LI]You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

[LI]You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

[LI]The mosquitoes have landing lights.

[LI]You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

[LI]You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

[LI]Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

[LI]You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

[LI]You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

[LI]Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

[LI]You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

[LI]The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

[LI]At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

[LI]The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

[LI]Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

[LI]You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

[LI]You head south to go to your cottage.

[LI]You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

[LI]You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

[LI]The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

[LI]You find -40C a little chilly.

[LI]The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

[LI]You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

[LI]You can play road hockey on skates.

[LI]You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

[LI]The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

[LI]You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
[/LI][/OL]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: LOL on Mar 05 06 08:29

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: TehBorken on Mar 15 06 07:36
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: CK on Mar 15 06 08:18
Alanis Morrisette walks into a bar. Bartender asks, why the long face?
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: TehBorken on Mar 15 06 08:27
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.  The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look pal, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 20 years!"   
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: CK on Mar 15 06 08:28
hehe..long face..hehe

[A href="http://tinypic.com/view/?pic=rhvqra"][img alt="Image hosting by TinyPic" src="http://tinypic.com/rhvqr9.jpg" border=0][/A]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: perpetual on Mar 15 06 08:31
Lise, are you originally from Manitoba?  If so, you might get a kick out ot this too!

[P align=center]You Know You're From Saskatchewan When ...

Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with that icky feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.

You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as curb feelers and turn signals and yet, obvious options such as trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.

You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the geographical necessity for correction lines.

You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis.

You sort your laundry into three loads: greens, whites, and green-and-whites.

Your other vehicle is a Massey.

You've required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances.

Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately need: a new curling broom.

You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.

While cleaning out your teenage son's closet, you're alarmed to discover, tucked away in the back, a foot-high stack of old Western Producers.

You're on a first-name basis with the clerks at the Payless Shoe store in Minot.

You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one.

You question why they didn't call them the Cypress Mountains.

You catch yourself "getting down" to the radio jingles for post-emergent broad-leaf weed control.

You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, although you still insist on wearing only one so the others don't get dirty.

You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 1/4 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator, the idiot!

You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher.

Your idea of gun control is when you make sure the bead drawn on the gopher is aligned with the sights before you gently squeeze, not pull, the trigger.

The bank teller asks to see some proof of identification and you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket.

You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you made the mistake of peering down an open well.

Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 1/2 syllables: "Skatchw'n."

Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places. (Riders win Grey Cup.)

 
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: perpetual on Mar 15 06 08:33
[TABLE style="WIDTH: 692px; HEIGHT: 962px" borderColor=black cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width=692 align=center border=1][TBODY][TR][TD align=middle bgColor=#ccffff][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; COLOR: black" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif"]You Know You're From Canada When...[/FONT][/TD][/TR][TR][TD align=left bgColor=#ffffff][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif"][/FONT]

[FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif"]You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a touque is.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.

There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.

You call a "mouse" a "moose".

You like the Americans a little because they don't want Quebec either.

Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.

Everything is labelled in English and French.

Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

Mountain Dew has no caffeine.



[/FONT][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: LOL on Mar 25 06 08:51
 In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

 Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
 
 "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.  
 
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.  
 
"Sure will," said the old-timer.  
 
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.  

 "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"  
 
 "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer   hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."  
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.  
 
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.  
 
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a  blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.   "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"  

 The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle  grease over there? Coat your gun with it."  
 
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the  barrel of his gun.  

 "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and  all."  
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.  
 
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much."  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: LOL on Mar 25 06 08:52
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"
 
The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
 
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
 
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
 
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Heck of a lot better than pork, isn't it?"  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: weird al on Mar 25 06 09:34
 [TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" align=center border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD vAlign=top][SPAN class=linkheadline]Four Women's Obsessions[/A][/SPAN]
[img height=2 src="http://www.madblast.com/i/transparent.gif" width=1]
[img height=5 src="http://www.madblast.com/i/bar_show_title2.gif" width=519][SPAN class=text2]  [/SPAN]
[img height=5 src="http://www.madblast.com/i/transparent.gif" width=1]
[TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=4 align=right border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD align=middle]
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][SPAN class=textstory][SPAN class=text3]A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."[/SPAN]


[/SPAN][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: P.C. on Mar 25 06 10:15
  [FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT id=role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.[/FONT]

 [DIV style="MARGIN-RIGHT: 0px; rem_rem_PADDING-LEFT: 5px; rem_rem_MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; rem_rem_BORDER-LEFT: #a0c6e5 2px solid"]  [DIV class=replbq style="rem_rem_PADDING-LEFT: 5px; rem_rem_MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; rem_rem_BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 2px solid"]   [FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.[/FONT]

 [FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.[/FONT]

 [FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"[/FONT]

 [FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.[/FONT]

 [FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Nobody has seen or heard from him since.[/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/FONT][/DIV]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orca on Aug 24 06 01:59
Jamaican Math Test


A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he  passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the  picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.  Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that  represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.  So now you got dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orca on Aug 24 06 02:00
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS IN VEGAS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING, DID YOU?
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: 49er on Aug 24 06 04:57
 To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of
 golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course
 in Scotland.

 On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his
 wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years
 ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

 His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have
 now is far   more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted
out again, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you
told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also.  

  Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you.

I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed
the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the
 tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How
could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul??...and all these years
you've been playing off the Ladies' Tees?!"

Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: 49er on Aug 24 06 06:29
[PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]The Four Cats (a Civil Service joke)[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Four men were bragging how smart their cats were.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]The first man was an Engineer, the second was an accountant, the third[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]was a Chemist and the fourth was a government emplooyee.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]To show off, the Engineer called his pet "T-square, do your stuff."[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]But the Accountant said his cat could do better.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]He called his cat and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Everyone agreed that was good.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]But the Chemist said his cat could do better.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]10 ounce from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]without spilling a drop.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Everyone agreed that was pretty good.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Then the three ment turned to the government employee and asked, "What[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]can your cat do?"[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]The government employee called his cat and said "Coffee Break, do your[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]stuff."[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Coffee Break jumped to his feet.....ate the cookies......drank the[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]milk........pooped on the paper......screwed the other three[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]cats........claimed he injured his back while doing so......filed a[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........put in for[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]Workers Compensation........and went home for the rest of the day on[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][PRE style="lineh-eight: 14.4pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black"]sick leave.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/PRE][!-- toctype = X-unknown --][!-- toctype = text --][!-- text --][!-- END TOC --]  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Gopher on Jun 08 10 10:38
(http://i45.tinypic.com/99nrip.gif)    
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: DDD on Jun 09 10 03:31
 [P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" class=MsoNormal align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'; COLOR: #bf005f; FONT-SIZE: 16pt"]Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'; FONT-SIZE: 16pt"][/SPAN]

 [P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" class=MsoNormal align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'; COLOR: #bf005f; FONT-SIZE: 16pt"]
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]The Princess said "NO!"[/SPAN][/SPAN]

 [P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" class=MsoNormal align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'; COLOR: #bf005f; FONT-SIZE: 16pt"]
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went boating & fishing and hunting and played golf & baseball and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.[/SPAN]

[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]The End[/SPAN]
[/SPAN]

Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Itsy Bitsy on Jun 09 10 05:03
 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Helvetica','sans-serif'"]I`ll handle this...I speak blonde[/SPAN]

 [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial','sans-serif'"]
 [/SPAN]

[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:City w:st="on"][st1:place w:st="on"]TORONTO[/st1:place][/st1:City],
WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE
FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO
THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
 
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE
 PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE
BACK..

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M
BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO [st1:City w:st="on"][st1:place w:st="on"]TORONTO[/st1:place][/st1:City] AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE
COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A
BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY
, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE
AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE [st1:place w:st="on"]W ILL[/st1:place] HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M
BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO [st1:City w:st="on"][st1:place w:st="on"]TORONTO[/st1:place][/st1:City] AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE
PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO
ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A
BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK
BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND
WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS
UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT
ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO [st1:City w:st="on"][st1:place w:st="on"]TORONTO[/st1:place][/st1:City] ".[/SPAN]  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orik on Jun 09 10 08:40
 Orca wrote:
Jamaican Math Test

LMAO first time i read this i laughed again i read this and laughed it was funny then and it is funny now.. it could also be a Parisian French or a Quebec French man... similar accents..

 
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: DDD on Jun 09 10 08:55
That made me LOL   Itsy Bitsy                                                 [img id=karmaImage onclick=captured(); height=72 src="http://discoverseattle.net/forums/pig_l.gif" width=68 border=0 name=karmaImage]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: 49er on Jun 10 10 07:30
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]A [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1276222462_0 class=yshortcuts]Home Depot[/SPAN] Story..
[/SPAN][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing[/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #366388 2px dotted; BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1276222462_1 class=yshortcuts]bathroom faucet[/SPAN].
[/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
[FONT color=black size=2 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price range"[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.  
[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"      
[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]

[FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt"]Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."      [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=apple-converted-space][FONT color=maroon size=2 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT color=maroon size=2 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]    

  [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=apple-converted-space][FONT color=blue size=5 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: blue; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-WEIGHT: bold"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT color=maroon size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 13pt; FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=2 face=Calibri][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Calibri; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]
 [/SPAN][/FONT]

      [P class=MsoNormal][FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

 [P class=MsoNormal][FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

     [P class=MsoNormal][FONT size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]   [P style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in" class=MsoNormal][FONT color=black size=4 face=Papyrus][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Papyrus; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

 [P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0in" class=MsoNormal][FONT color=black size=4 face=Papyrus][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Papyrus; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]
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 [P style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in" class=MsoNormal][FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]

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[P style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in" class=MsoNormal][FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]                 [/SPAN][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: DDD on Jun 11 10 12:23
 [TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD style="POSITION: relative; DIRECTION: ltr; FONT-SIZE: 12pt" id=INCREDITEXTREGION width="100%"] [DIV style="PADDING-LEFT: 2px" id=INCREDI_TEXT_AREA] [SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Helvetica','sans-serif'; FONT-SIZE: 20pt"]
Cow, an Ant and an a**hole...


A Cow, an Ant and an a**hole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow:  I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
 
 
 








 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
 
 
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[DIV style="PADDING-LEFT: 2px"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Helvetica','sans-serif'; FONT-SIZE: 20pt"]
   
 
Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something...
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 [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; FONT-SIZE: 12pt" dir=ltr id=IncrediOriginalFontSize] [DIV class=Section1] [/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"] [TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"] [TBODY][/TBODY][/TABLE][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Natasha on Jun 15 10 10:29
Well that's just mean.

  [FONT size=1]lol[/FONT]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: DDD on Jun 21 10 12:15
yea but still funny
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orik on Jun 21 10 12:59
 [span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"] I just thought it was rather dull, not very funny at all. [/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"]JUST LIKE THIS JOKE[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][font style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);" color="white" face="verdana" size="4"]Joke of the Day[/font] [br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"] [table style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][tbody][tr][td width="500"][font face="verdana" size="3"]One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday  afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why?
 
 The CEO explained, "I'll tell you its very simple it's the only time  of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."[/font][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table] [br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"]   [/span]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orik on Jun 21 10 03:54
RDL & SMP now there is a joke in that somewhere..

 
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Gopher on Jun 22 10 02:14
If you say so.
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Little Redneck on Jun 29 10 07:02
[span class="c48"]Susie Lee's  "Will" or won't she?[/span]
 [script type="text/XXXXscript"][!-- google_ad_client = "pub-2587246828426244"; google_ad_width = 728; google_ad_height = 90; google_ad_format = "728x90_as"; google_ad_type = "text"; google_ad_channel =""; google_color_border = "E8F1D4"; google_color_bg = "E8F1D4"; google_color_link = "0033FF"; google_color_url = "E8F1D4"; google_color_text = "6699FF"; //--][/script] [script type="text/XXXXscript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"] [/script]
    Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
[p align="left"][span class="text1"] Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
 You'll have to find another.
 I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
 But Joe is yo' half brother."
 
 So Susie put aside her Joe
 And planned to marry Will.
 But after telling Pappy this,
 He said, "There's trouble still...
 
 You cain't marry Will, my gal,
 And please don't tell your Mother,
 But Will and Joe and several mo'
 I know is yo' half brother."
 
 But Mama knew and said, "My child,
 Just do what makes you happy.
 Marry Will or marry Joe,
 You ain't no kin to Pappy!"         [/span][/p]  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Gopher on Aug 07 10 02:39
A CHICKEN farmer goes to a bar,sits next to a woman and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says: "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"This is special day for me too, I am also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer.
As they clink glasses the man asks: "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant."
The man replies: "What a coincidence. I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great," says the woman , "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replies.
The woman smiles and says: "What a coincidence...."[!-- / message --]    
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Marty on Aug 07 10 04:40
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

  Christopher Walken.
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Natasha on Aug 07 10 09:37
=)  oh that's so mean.
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orik on Aug 08 10 04:37
[font style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);" color="white" face="verdana" size="3"]The taxi pulls up outside the lady's house and the cabbie turns around and says: "that'll be $12"
 
 The woman in the back has no money, instead she pulls up her skirt and spreads her legs - "Can I pay with this?" she asks...
 
 "Jeez, haven't you got anything smaller?" cabbie replies.[/font]  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Orik on Aug 24 10 05:49
[table style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17);"][tbody][tr][td width="500"][font face="verdana" size="3"]A  guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots a fabulous babe  walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her  and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
 
 He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive  could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and  sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
 
 The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
 
 "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
 
 "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
 
 "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
 
 "$100!! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
 
 "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and  sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for  that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth  it."
 
 The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves  with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This  hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable  life.
 
 The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.  When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was  incredible!"
 
 "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
 
 "How much is that?"
 
 "$500"
 
 "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
 
 "You see that apartment building across the street?"
 
 The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
 
 "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
 
 Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with  her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The  next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked,  you're the best! Tell me, what will it cost me for some pussy?"
 
 She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
 
 "You see that island? Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
 
 She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!" [/font][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Gopher on Sep 08 10 07:35
[!-- / icon and title --][!-- message --]Little Billy, aged five, told his mum he was going to the toilet. After a while she noticed he was still in there. Opening the door she saw Billy sitting on the toilet reading a book. As she watched, he hit himself on the top of his head with his hand.
She said;"Are you alright, Billy?"
"Yes, mum," he replied."I haven't done it yet."
Again he hit himself on the head.
Mum said;"Why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
"Well," said Billy."It works for tomato sauce!"[!-- / message --][!-- sig --]    
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: DDD on Sep 10 10 03:02
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]The husband shouted, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have [FONT color=#1f497d][SPAN style="COLOR: #1f497d"]to [/SPAN][/FONT]apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]window?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll [FONT color=#1f497d][SPAN style="COLOR: #1f497d"]g[/SPAN][/FONT]ive you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe  from fire,burglary and natural disasters!" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife." [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. [/FONT]

[FONT face="Times New Roman"]"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in Genie... [/FONT][/SPAN][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P]       [P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt" class=MsoNormal][FONT color=#888888 size=2 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: #888888; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][BR clear=all][/SPAN][/FONT]

[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Gopher on Dec 12 10 11:42
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'    
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: P.C. on Dec 13 10 07:48
Gophie wrote: Little Billy, aged five, told his mum he was going to the toilet. After a while she noticed he was still in there. Opening the door she saw Billy sitting on the toilet reading a book. As she watched, he hit himself on the top of his head with his hand.
She said;"Are you alright, Billy?"
"Yes, mum," he replied."I haven't done it yet."
Again he hit himself on the head.
Mum said;"Why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
"Well," said Billy."It works for tomato sauce!"


  Help.  Am I the only one that has no idea what this means. [img border=0 src="http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/8.gif"]
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: Gopher on Dec 13 10 07:50
You hit the bottle on the top to make things flow.  
Title: Re: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Post by: P.C. on Dec 13 10 08:04
Ohhhhhhhh THAT tomato sauce. [img border=0 src="http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif"]