[FONT face="Courier New"]Ok, Ive been coming across a few that I think a few of you might like, but I dont like the idea of a new thread every time...[/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"]So Ill start.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"]A BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were
married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile
about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her trips in Northern
Saskatchewan when she saw an elderly Cree woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Cree woman if she would like a ride. With a
silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small
talk with the Cree woman. The old woman just sat silently,
looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little
detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of
wine. I got it for my husband."
The Cree woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,
"Good trade." [/FONT]
Too tame.
WARNING R-RATED JOKE HERE.
[FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=2]What's the difference between a penis and a prick? [/FONT]
[FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=2]A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it. [/FONT]
Um, I'm hesitant to tell this joke, for fear I might offend (not intended). But this is an answer to Lise's (very funny btw) joke: ALSO R RATED:
Q: What do you call that useless fleshy part that surrounds the vagina?
A: A woman
Future Canadian wrote:
Um, I'm hesitant to tell this joke, for fear I might offend (not intended). But this is an answer to Lise's (very funny btw) joke: ALSO R RATED:
Q: What do you call that useless fleshy part that surrounds the vagina?
A: A woman
Uh, I fail to see the humour in the truth? (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Teasing/12.gif)
<<Hehe, Im gonna get the smackdown here in a bit Im sure>>
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
35% content;
A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
better miss lise?
The husband store joke is excellent Russ......I like that one !!!!!
.
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 (so they say)
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me,
and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come."
[/DIV]
[FONT face=Arial] [DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN]
[DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN]
[DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]At 1 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]blanket? I'm awfully cold."[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]"I have a better idea," she replied suggestively. [/SPAN] [/FONT][/SPAN]
[DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."[/SPAN][/FONT] [/SPAN][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"] [BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][BR style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24px"]After a moment of silence, he farted. [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/DIV][/FONT][/DIV][!-- toctype = X-unknown --][!-- toctype = text --][!-- text --]
BAHHAHA. Dang! That was hilarious, 49er!!!! (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/8.gif)
LOL....the man is clearly evil.....or at the very least, working his way towards evilness.
*might offend some*
4 gay men walk into a bar. They are looking for a place to sit, but only see 1 stool. What do they do?
[span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"]Flip it upside down
[/span](drag mouse over box)
[p class="MsoNormal"]A Chinese guy, a Pakistani, and a Canadian guy were all taken for a ride up in a hot air balloon. Each were told to bring something they had too much of in their country. When they were 1500 feet up, they were told to throw over what they brought. [o:p][/o:p]
The Chinese guy threw over a bag of Opium and said, "We have too much of these in our country." [o:p][/o:p]
The Pakistani threw over bag of Hash and said, "We have too much of this in our country." [o:p][/o:p]
Then the Canadian grabbed the Pakistani and the Chinaman and threw them over the side. He says, "We have too much of them in our country".
[/p] [p class="MsoNormal"]
[/p]
[A href="http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=29ckzv4"]milk[/A]
filmed at a Starbucks in Seattle
LOL 49er! You might wanna label that 35% tho or Not work safe!
[FONT face=Arial size=2][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]A LOVE STORY........
>An Irishman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there for
a
while,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
watch
the
sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the
Irishman. Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.
But
the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Irishman took his
arm
from
around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together,
but
there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and
behold,
there
was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman,
the
most beautiful woman the Irishman had ever seen. She was in a
pretty
bad
way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to
health.
When
the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus
clouds,
a
warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Irishman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and cautiously
leaned
towards the young woman, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk."[/FONT]
[/FONT][/DIV]
Top Ten Things To Do During Pet Appreciation Week:
1. Lick your dog's face.
2. Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
3. Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.
4. Bring your cat a dead bird.
5. Make a real effort to learn to purr.
6. Spend a day with your head stuck in a bird cage.
7. Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
8. Sniff your neighbor's butt.
9. Bite the mailman.
10. Eat supper on the floor.
What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
When they get flipped on their back, they're screwed!
This one makes me smile every time:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow Disease.
Herself: "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"
Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that my bull rides that cow once a year?"
The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"
Seamus: "Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?"
The Lady: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer:"I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you go f**king mad?"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Strange "Insults With Class!"
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr.
How do you know if you're facing Captain Picard?
Because you are blinded by the reflection off his head
(http://i16.tinypic.com/2cglitx.gif)
funny speeches in link below
[A href="http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=4hbernb"]link[/A]
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
================================================== ===
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed
and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling,
what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because
you farted and I was trying to breathe.[!-- / message --][!-- sig --]
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"
Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
"They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"
"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"
"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.
"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.
"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."
"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese.
American asked Vietnamese, "What kind of "ese" are you?
"Excuse me?"
"What kind of "ese" are you?"
"Excuse me, I don't understand what you meant."
"Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?"
"Oh! I am a Vietnamese."
After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: "What kind of "kee" are you?
"What? What do you mean by key?"[/DIV]"Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee."
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his water bed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion".
Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".
you guys going to find this funny....[A href="http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=351x37q"]Bush/Condo Conversation[/A]
ROTFL. Ahhh...... good one, 49er. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/7.gif)
John died suddenly.
When the pathologist was doing the autopsy he was amazed at the enormous size of John's penis.
'Sorry John', he said,'but I can't allow something as amazing as that to be cremated'. So he cut it off and put it in his bag.
When he got home that night he could not resist showing it to his wife. 'Have you ever seen anything like that', he said.
'My God, John's dead?!' she replied.
two menopausal women stressed out from Christmas shopping......[A href="http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=4drkb5w"]menopausal women[/A]
Joke: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Answer: N-ach-o cheese
That's funny, 49er. Malcolm in the Middle was funny at one point. I especially adore the segment where Hal showed Malcolm he could skate.
SNOW BLONDES!
One winter morning a husband and wife (a true blonde) in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say:
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said , "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went out.The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>skirts and thong panties.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>(or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin which is[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>would. Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>loaves, as he is having company for dinner.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>bread herself.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd,[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]>"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a 'quiverin!'"[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
What a splendid idea Russ....I'll have to try that next time.
Good one 49er......lol. (I wonder if that old feller was blonde too)
P.C. wrote:
What a splendid idea Russ....I'll have to try that next time.
Good one 49er......lol. (I wonder if that old feller was blonde too)[/DIV]
???
???....leaving the car in the garage. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c025.gif" border=0]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"][FONT FAMILY="SCRIPT"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Carmine Tango'; 18pt: "]LAWYERS
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue .
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet!
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
Why does [SPAN id=lw_1169089089_0 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]California[/SPAN] have the most lawyers in the country while [SPAN id=lw_1169089089_1 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]New Jersey[/SPAN] has the most toxic waste sites?
[SPAN id=lw_1169089089_2 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]New Jersey[/SPAN] got first choice.
What do you have when you've got 50 lawyers buried in sand up to their chins?
Not enough sand.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
Ha ha!!
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
[H2][A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/235728006.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/235728006.html[/A][/H2] [H2] [/H2] [H2]The Time I Lost Control of My Bowels on the Water Slide[/H2]
Date: 2006-11-16, 10:56AM MST
My last few months have been racked with guilt and shame over a horrible incident and the need to purge myself has become overwhelming. So I turn to you for a compassionate ear.
Last summer, I took my girlfriend, I'll call her Beulah, and her son, I'll call him Eugene, to a water amusement park, attempting to nurture the bond that was forming between us. After a busy morning of paddleboats and bumper cars, we took a moment to refresh ourselves with a hardy lunch of chili dogs, cheese fries, and lemonade. Relaxing under shade trees, Eugene smiled a chili-smeared grin, as the sun cast its languid glow over the park. With the leisurely picnic ending, we hastily dispersed to the changing rooms, in anticipation of our next adventure—the giant water slide.
During our first run, I noticed a gnawing, internal discomfort, although the first sure signs of brown-capping weren't apparent until Eugene and I climbed the half-mile of stairs to the summit, for our second run. Unfortunately, I had taken the opportunity, to wear a most-revealing, blue Speedo, in the hope of further enamoring myself to the beautiful Beulah. Lord knows, I have the body to accommodate such a blatant, public display of manhood.
However, I soon began to regret my decision, for the sharp, cut of the elastic dug into my swelling, gaseous abdomen. My intestines were bubbling like a whirlpool. By the time we reached the loading platform at the summit, I was squirming in wretched misery. Considering my options, I surmised that taking the slide was far more promising than fighting my way back down the stairs, through the crowd. Thank God I was next in line. My trouble would soon be over. The only obstacle before me was an elderly German tourist, staring pensively at the wild rapids. With obvious reservation, he shuffled slowly toward the mouth of the blue tunnel. Beyond the point of pleasantries, I bellowed, "Come on, Pops! Shake a leg!"
Turning toward the acne-pocked boy who was managing the ride that day, he made a feeble attempt in his native tongue to communicate his apprehension. I had no other choice! The brown star pulsated—nearing supernova. The manager boy recoiled in shock as I pushed the old man down the slide, headfirst. Cursing me with hostile foreign jibberish, he disappeared around the first turn. In an instant, I followed, hurling myself down the slick, plastic vortex.
The fury of the slide was incredible. Rolling and spinning, I gathered speed quickly. The angle of the chute dipped to nearly seventy degrees, increasing my velocity as I careened from side to side, the water turning to white, angry foam. Ricocheting from a high, banking wall, the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata. I lost control, discharging a foul, liquid trail.
A child screamed somewhere behind me, as I slid toward certain humiliation below. Frantically, I grabbed at the back of my Speedo, in a desperate attempt to flush myself clean. To my dismay, a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom.
Nearing the final turn, the old man was standing upright in the tunnel in front of me, I'm sure, to exact some sort of revenge. His sinewy muscles were tensed, rage filled his dilated eyes. But with youth, and gravity, on my side, I swiftly took him out at the ankles. A palsied hand grabbed me as we tumbled out of the chute, and into the pool.
Moments later, a wailing boy fell behind us, riding the crest of a polluted wave. Thinking fast, I collared the old man, and dragged him onto the concrete deck. A lifeguard confronted us as people ran screaming from the pool in pale-faced terror. I explained to the guard how the old man had soiled the waters, how obviously the speed and excitement had proven too much for a man of his age and condition.
Unable to comprehend my story, or explain himself, the old man could only respond with a flurry of incomprehensible shrieks, vective, and obscene gestures. I suggested that he was hysterical from embarassment and that in the best interests of everyone that he be removed from the park—immediately.
The guard eyed me with suspicion, but had no alternative but to believe my story. Fortunately, the force of the waters had washed me thoroughly of any incriminating evidence. I gathered Beulah and Eugene, and made a dash for the parking lot. I'm sure the truth eventually surfaced, but not until we were safely on the interstate, heading back home.
[A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/213492593.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/213492593.html[/A]
[H2]To the guy who crapped in my parking stall last night....[/H2]
Date: 2006-09-28, 12:22PM PDT
I'm tempted to start out by saying "You know who you are", but perhaps you don't. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "I broke a loaf in someone's parking stall last night, could he be referring to me?" Maybe you're under the misapprehension that relieving yourself in someone's parking stall is something pretty much everyone does from time to time, like smoking a recreational joint or driving too fast, or eating prime rib. So, to all of you who took a dump in a parking stall last night, let me provide some identifying details to help narrow down which of you I'm referring to.
First, you are almost certainly male. Either that or you're the 1976 East German Women's Olympic Gold Medal Weightlifting Champion. There's a slim possibility you're a horse.
It's very unlikely that you're homeless. It wouldn't take a PhD in nutrition to figure out that your pre-poop meal was -- how shall I put this? -- adequate. Formidable. Representitive of all the major food groups. You get my point.
Still don't know who you are? Stall 146. Green level. Yeah, you.
So now that you know who you are, my message to you is rather simple: WTF???? Let me get something across to you. For nearly 4000 years, humans have developed the habit of pooing in toilets. Pooing elsewhere is generally considered at best inappropriate (I'm being generous here), and usually raises the eyebrows of mental health officials, particularly if you're in the vicinity of several 24-hour restaurants more than willing to accomodate your 7-pound growler in exchange for nothing more than a cup of coffee. But, apparently you declined to exert the minimal effort it would have taken to retain your butt shuttle for a block and a half and avoid brown trouting where my Goodyears are supposed to go. If you really feel compelled to fashion a grunt sculpture in a parking stall, you're more than welcome to shell out the $146 monthly fee for a stall of your very own -- plenty of space to for you to deposit fly-infested brownies to your heart's content. You could even entertain guests. Until then, see if you can catch up to the rest of the human race and cram a cork in it, pal.
One more thing. To the guy whose (evidently) brand new Dockers discovered the potato a split second before his eyes did -- I feel your pain, man. At least you weren't wearing flip-flops.
[A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/240186599.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/240186599.html[/A]
[H2]7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w[/H2]
Date: 2006-11-26, 5:03PM EST
Post day after day with no response? Post but only get spammers and porn sites? Answer a post and never hear back? Frustrated, lonely, tired, married and wondering "how hard is it to get a friggin' handjob ferchrissakes?"
If you can't figure out what's going on, you might be guilty of one of the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL M4W. (Ladies, many of these could apply to your ads as well, I just am not familiar with them).
Habit 1: Starting your post with a plaintive "Are there any normal women/men/humanoids left?"
The answer, my friend, is a resounding NO . Maybe it's because of global warming, or 8 years of Republicans, but all the normal folks moved to Canada or some shithole like that. So shut the f*ck up and deal with the remaining dysfunctional misfits like the rest of us.
Habit 2: Starting your ad by saying that you're heartbroken over an ex and go on to detail how she cheated on you lied to you broke your tender little loving heart etc and now you just want to find someone nice to replace THAT BITCH and to take your mind off her.
Um, do I look like your f*cking therapist? I didn't think so. Go out with your mates, get piss drunk, text the ex that she was a shitty lay and had a fat ass, and get over it like a man. Otherwise, I'll charge you 120/hr like my therapist does to listen to my bitching and moaning about my exes, and I'll still dump your sorry ass because whiny does not equal sexy.
Habit 3: total,compleetlack Of anYpunctuashion skillz,,that makes, me, wonder if you are , a, Nigerians Scammer . OR YELLING ABOUT HOW SENSITIVE AND KIND YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WANT TO MARRY A NICE NORMAL GIRLWHY CANT YOU FIND ANYONE NORMAL HOW COME NOONE RESPONDS??!!!
I'll tell you why—it's because no one can understand a goddam word you're SHOUTING. Settle down, and remember, capitalization, periods, and the proper use of the comma are your friends.
Habit 4: You say "I promise you won't be disappointed." How the f*ck do you know? What if I am looking for a 6'7" red headed trapeze artist who likes to shove popsicle sticks up his ass while yodeling? Every time someone has said "you won't be disappointed," I inevitably am.
Habit 5: You post the same, overly earnest, long winded ad EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS. Dude, you know who you are. Clearly, it's not working for you. I suggest a different approach. Besides, I don't have time to read your friggin dissertation. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that crap.
Habit 6: You post repeatedly, using the same picture, but with different ages, categories, descriptions of who you are and what you want. What, Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" wasn't enough for you? Crreeeepy.
Habit 7: You are looking for a Girlfriend Who Squirts. Jesus H. man, you also won't give up. I'm tempted to buy a water pistol, stick it up my vagigi and let er rip all over you just so I don't have to see your f*cking post one more time.
Okay folks, that's all, back to your regularly scheduled program.
[H2][A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/223403423.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/223403423.html[/A][/H2] [H2]Dudes, don't shower/shave with your kitten...[/H2]
Date: 2006-10-20, 3:41PM EDT
I have this cat whom I found as kitten, too young to have been weened properly and sick - without intervention he wouldn't have survived on his own much longer. I nursed him back to health, had to hand feed him for awhile, and I became very attatched to him. He's now really healthy, a beutiful orange tabby and we get along great, but our relationship hit a very rocky point one morning. We've patched things up, reasonably well, but memories of this particular morning will always haunt us - particularly me.
But now the point: I shave after I get out of the shower. I throw a towel around my waist, but other than that I shave naked. Like I said my kitten - let's call him Butters - is hanging out in the bathroom the whole time. At this point he's maybe 4 months old, still young, but full of energy. He's playing, doing his thing, and eventually he starts rolling and playing around my feet. 'How sweet,' I think. 'This is a great cat.'
Next thing I know i'm on the floor, curled in the foetus position with blood dripping down my chin from a razor cut and Butters is hiding out behind the porcelin throne, starring at me with huge, dialated eyes.
yeah, he went there.
Dangling objects + kitten = kill.
For those who still haven't caught on, while playing around my feet Butters must have looked up and seen the ole' twig and berries, and decide that it would be a great idea to give the danglies a swat. He had good aim - very good aim...
I don't understand masochists.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in [SPAN id=lw_1169847939_0 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]New York City[/SPAN], where a woman may go to choose a husband.
The instructions at the entrance read: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the floors. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but may not go back down except to exit.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She goes to the next floor and the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. And, she continues upstairs, where the sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner has opened "The Wife Store" in a six story building across the street.
Floor 1 has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 has wives that love sex and have money.
Floors three through six have never been visited...
49er... I think Russ posted that joke before[FONT size=1]. I think....[/FONT]
Russ, that joke about the guy pooping is HILARIOUS!!! (http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/ekelig/c022.gif)
Dangling objects + kitten = kill.
That story is also so funny!!! (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
[FONT face=Times size=4 New Roman, Times, serif]Diagnosis[/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana, size=2 Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better[/FONT]
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head." (http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/midi/engel/a025.gif)
[P align=center][img height=25 alt="Darwin Awards" src="http://www.jokefile.co.uk/jokefile_images/main_titles/darwinawards.gif" width=210][img height=7 src="http://www.jokefile.co.uk/jokefile_images/line.gif" width=315]
[P align=left]A would be robber James Elliott from Long Beach, California killed himself when his .38 calibre revolver failed to fire, Mr Elliott apparently peered down the barrel and then tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
[P align=center][img height=7 src="http://www.jokefile.co.uk/jokefile_images/line.gif" width=315]
[H3 align=center]Top 8 Morons of 2002 [/H3] 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
[H5 align=center][FONT size=6](http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/tiere/n038.gif)The Last Chicken (http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/tiere/n038.gif)[/FONT][/H5] [P align=left]A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
[P align=left]By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
[P align=left]The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
[P align=left]A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
[P align=left]The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"
[H5 align=center][FONT size=6]The Curry Charts [/FONT][/H5] [P align=left]At number we have:
[BLOCKQUOTE] 35. Poppadum Preach - Madonna
34. Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
33. Bhaji Trousers - Madness
32. King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
31. Dansak Queen - Abba
30. Korma People - Pulp
29. Tikka Chance On Me - Abba
28. When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole
27. You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes
26. Korma Police - Radiohead
25. Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream
24. Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue
23. It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles
22. Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits
21. Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths
20. Pilau Talk - Doris Day
19. It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To ? - Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin
18. I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua
17. Sag Aloo - Black lace
16. Take That and Chapati - Take That
15. Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji ? - Lisa Stansfield
14. I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant
13. Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
12. We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge
11. Vindaloo - Abba
10. I Don't Want to Go to Chutney ? Elvis Costello
9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
8. Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss
7. Tandoori Deliver - Adam and the Ants
6. Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley
5. We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off ? Jermaine Jackson
4. Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers
3. Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf
2. Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard
1. Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim
[/BLOCKQUOTE]
9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
[hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]LOL, those are hilarious, Lise. I like this one. Cute.
[H5 align=center][FONT size=6]New Bride [/FONT][/H5] [P align=left]Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
[P align=left]The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
[P align=left]The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
[P align=left]Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
[P align=left]The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
[P align=left]The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
[H5 align=center][FONT size=6]Help I'm stuck[/FONT][/H5] [P align=left]A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
[P align=left]The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.
[P align=left]Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.
[P align=left]"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.
[P align=left]"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"
[P align=left]She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.
[P align=left]"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.
[P align=left]"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".
[P align=left]"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."
[P align=left][FONT size=5]All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is Amoxycillin [/FONT]
[P align=left][FONT size=5]And so on... [/FONT]
[P align=left][FONT size=5]What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin[/FONT]
[P align=left]A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
[P align=left]The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
[P align=left]The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
[P align=left]The woman replies, "He's a midget.
[H5 align=center][FONT size=6](http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/teufel/e066.gif)Punishments in Hell...(http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/teufel/e066.gif)[/FONT][/H5] A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"
[H5 align=center][FONT size=6]There ain't no justice in the world(http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/figuren/a045.gif)[/FONT][/H5] [P align=left]Once upon a time.....there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into a mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He jogged to the beach, completely undresses and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.
[P align=left]Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other old lady:
[P align=left]"There ain't hardly no justice in the world".
[P align=left]The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"
[P align=left]"Well", she said,
[P align=left]"When I was 15, I was curious about it."
[P align=left]"When I was 20, I enjoyed it."
[P align=left]"When I was 30, I asked for it."
[P align=left]"When I was 40, I begged for it."
[P align=left]"When I was 50, I paid for it."
[P align=left]"When I was 60, I prayed for it."
[P align=left]"When I was 70, I forgot about it."
[P align=left]"And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]SMART ASS ANSWER #6[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]comes up that reads, " [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][?xml:namespace prefix = ns0 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][ns0:place w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2007-01-31T08:04:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2007-01-31T08:04:00Z"][ns0:PlaceName w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2007-01-31T08:04:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2007-01-31T08:04:00Z"][?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:place w:st="on"][st1:PlaceName w:st="on"][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]Low[/SPAN][/FONT][/st1:PlaceName][/ns0:PlaceName][/st1:place][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][ns0:PlaceType w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2007-01-31T08:04:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2007-01-31T08:04:00Z"][st1:PlaceType w:st="on"][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]Bridge[/SPAN][/FONT][/st1:PlaceType][/ns0:PlaceType][/ns0:place][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"] Ahead." Before he [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 11pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[/DIV]
EDIT: Yarrgh! I assbungled it up. sorry. I cant get the stupid thing to work, damn links and stupid sites.
[DIV style="FONT-STYLE: italic"]If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these handy instructions:
Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
Remove your laptop.
Start up
Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
Then hit [A href="http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf" target=_blank]this link[/A][/DIV]
Help....I don't get it. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/liebe/g038.gif" border=0]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt 3.75pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][FONT size=2]Grandma Loves Oranges [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt 3.75pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][FONT size=2] [o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt 3.75pt"][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][FONT size=2]A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, "I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/SPAN]
[FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT style="FONT-SIZE: 11px; FONT-FAMILY: tahoma,sans-serif"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, someday he
may even walk again.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
a
[A href="http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=4hcnpf8"]perfect car for women[/A]
LOL, that's hilarious, 49er.
That is so cool! I wish I could that right now!
[P align=left][FONT size=6]ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON[/FONT]
[P align=left]
[P align=left]Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
[P align=left]Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. - "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -
[P align=left]Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." -
[P align=left]"What does that tell you?"
[P align=left]Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
[P align=left]- "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
[FONT face="Arial Black"]TO BE 6 AGAIN[/FONT]
[FONT face="Arial Narrow"][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, ob[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]serving his wife turning back and forth, [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]looking at herself in the mirror.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Since her birthday was not far off, [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]he asked what she' d like to have for [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]her Birthday.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]the mirror.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]and then took her to Six Flags theme park.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]What a day ![/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He put her on every ride in the park; the Death [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Roller Coaster... everything there was. [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Five hours l[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]ater they staggered out of the theme park. Her [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He then took her to a McDonald's where he [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]and a chocolate shake.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]and her favorite candy, M&M's.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]What a fabulous adventure! [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Finally she wobbled home with her [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He leaned over his wife with a big smile and [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]lovingly asked, well dear, what was it like being six [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]again ? ?[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]changed.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!![/SPAN][/FONT]
Medical update!
A British company is developing computer chips which store music and can be implanted in women's breasts.
This is viewed as a major breakthrough since many women have complained
that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
LOL. Good one, 49er.
[FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=2]Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? [/FONT]
[FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=2]A: Both of them. [/FONT]
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Is Windows a Virus[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
[FONT face=Arial][FONT face="Times New Roman"]Negative People[SPAN class=730133118-31012007][FONT color=#0000ff] [FONT color=#000000]![/FONT] [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]Remember this story the next time someone who knows[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman"]
nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable
with negativity.
[/FONT]
[/FONT]A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair
styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned
the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would
anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
We're taking Continental" was the reply. "We got a
great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a
terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are
you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody
thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but
it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms
are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So,
whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to
see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only
were we on time in one of Continentals brand new planes, but
it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The
food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the
hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the
city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and
good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured
the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and
explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and
wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my
hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get that shi++y hairdo?"
[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g015.gif" border=0]
[DIV class=Section1] [BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: blue; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: blue; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; MARGIN: 5pt 0in 5pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: blue 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: blue" type="CITE"] [DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"][FONT size=3][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: rgb(153,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: rgb(153,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: rgb(153,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: rgb(153,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]"Your wasting your time," said the boy.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: rgb(153,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: rgb(153,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="BACKGROUND: white 0% 50%; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE]
[P align=left]A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
[P align=left]A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
[P align=left]The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, 'I'm only here to listen to the music.'
[P align=left]'Yeah?' replied the man. 'We're only here to see our dog.'
[P align=center]Roy the Rooster
[P align=left]This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
[P align=left]So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
[P align=left]The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
[P align=left]The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
[P align=left]Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"[BR \]
[H2]Try to explain women[/H2]
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
[FONT face="times new roman,helvetica"]
[H2]Clinton is in Heaven[/H2]
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
[/FONT]
[H2]Why Eve was created[/H2]
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
[TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" width="100%"] [FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"].[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...'' [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]You can really spread out there."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"It's true, Ma'am, yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Tripod?"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT face="Century Gothic"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face="Century Gothic" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Mrs. Smith fainted[/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
Ahahahha. Oh good one. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/2.gif)
[A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html[/A]
[H2]Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.[/H2]
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST
I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
[UL class=blurbs] [LI]Location: Manhood [LI]it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests[/LI][/UL]
Geez. I don't know what to make out of that, Russ. Is it meant to be a funny or sad story? I feel bad for the woman though. I guess she'd do anything, literally anything, to find a father for her unborn. Kinda sad pathetic sorta way.
Is this what ppl do on craigslist nowadays? Just list weird stories?
I think its funny and sad... especially since the guy would have been hooped if he hadnt had that info.
YEah, theres lots of funny stories like this on craigslist
OK. Give us more. I await with baited breath. Your craig stories are hilarious. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/11.gif)
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
[BLOCKQUOTE]Top 10 Reasons to Be an Episcopalian from Robin Williams, who is one
10. No snake handling.
9. You can believe in dinosaurs.
8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
7. You don't have to get all emotional.
6. Pew aerobics.
5. Church year is color-coded.
4. Free wine on Sunday.
3. All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.
2. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.
...and the Number One reason to be an Episcopalian:
1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
[/BLOCKQUOTE]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]"About 35, " was the reply.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, "[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2]The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".[/FONT]
what's the difference between in-laws and out-laws??
outlaws are wanted!!!
hee..i love that one!
Politically correct. I like the license plate too!
(http://i9.tinypic.com/2lo1w0j.jpg)
LOLz @ Spring & Orca.
[span class="replymessagebody"]A hawt female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk replies; "Tits."[/span]
[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT face="Courier New"]These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. [/FONT][/SPAN] [FONT face="Courier New" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No, I just lie there.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: July 18th.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What year?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Every year.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]_____________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: I forget.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]_____________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Forty-five years.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]_____________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: My name is Susan.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: We both do.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Voodoo?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: We do.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: You do?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] he doesn't know about it until the next morning?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]___________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]________________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Uh....[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How many were boys?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: None.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: By death.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] notice which I sent to your attorney?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Oral.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]autopsy on him![/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Huh?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]______________________________________[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]began the autopsy?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: No.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"]ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"] WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
[FONT face="Courier New"]The Ultimate Putdown!
A group of Canadians, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.
Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my
passport"
"Impossible. Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention. The Canadian senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." [/FONT]
[A href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/186980585.html"]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/186980585.html[/A]
[H2]Anyone ever been caught...[/H2]
Date: 2006-07-27, 1:34PM CDT
...doing the most private of private things?
Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.
There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.
I don't really don't know what else to say.
[UL style="PADDING-LEFT: 3px; FONT-SIZE: smaller; MARGIN-LEFT: 0px; LIST-STYLE-TYPE: none"] [LI][FONT size=+0]no[/FONT] -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
[/LI][/UL]
PostingID: 186980585
[FONT size=6]LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL !!!!!!!!!!! FREAKING HILARIOUS![/FONT]
[FONT size=6][/FONT]
That sounds like a post on DV.
actual newspaper ads.........
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] * FREE Yorkshire Terrier: 8 yrs. old. Hateful little bitch; [SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Bites.[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered; [SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Speaks German[/SPAN].[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* FOUND: Dirty White Dog. Looks like a Rat....been out a while. Better be a r[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]eward for this NASTY little thing.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* COWS, CALVES: Never Bred....Also, 1 Gay Bull For Sale .[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] * NORDIC TRACK: $300 - Hardly used, call Chubby.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* GEORGIA PEACHES: [SPAN id=lw_1172177014_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]California[/SPAN] grown - 89 cents lb.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* JOINING NUDIST COLONY: Must sell Washer & Dryer $300.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE : [SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Worn ONCE by mistake.[/SPAN] Call Stephanie - $300.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]And the BEST one.....[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoPlainText][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]* FOR SALE /BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica; 45 volumes. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Excellent condition. $1000 or Best Offer; No longer needed, got married [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]last month. Wife knows everything.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
A shepherd walks into a stable.
Twelve stitches. Ah ah ah.
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Need Samples[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][A href="http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Market/7773/vietnamchickensoup.html"][/A]
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Carstianity[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Sisters of Mercy[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"
Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."
Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.
He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"
The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.
He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.
He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pair of diamond earrings for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"You shall know tonight", he said.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The Meaning of Dreams[/SPAN]". [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[SPAN class=postbody][FONT size=2]1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight.
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends
3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your
sexLife? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but itTakes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up Against her buttom, you're in Definitely!
13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood
Bank?
Sperm is handmade
21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use A lubricant[/FONT][/SPAN]
A distinguished young woman on a flight from [SPAN id=lw_1173159800_0 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Switzerland[/SPAN] asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry
it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will even question you, I'm sure."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top
of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Dear Abby: [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around
and hang out with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. [/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]You're a [SPAN id=lw_1173189634_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]United States[/SPAN] Senator from [SPAN id=lw_1173189634_1 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]New York[/SPAN] . Act like one.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV align=center] True Story
[P align=left]True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
[DIV id=rightContainerSub] [DIV id=rightLinks]
Last Longer
[P align=left]A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
[P align=left]
[DIV align=center] Friends Wife
[P align=left]One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.
Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
[P align=left]
[DIV align=center] Proctologist's Office
[P align=left]I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
[/DIV][/DIV][!-- ValueClick Media 120x600 SkyScraper v1.4 for ebaumsworld.com --] [SCRIPT language=DOH!script] [!-- var i=j=p=t=u=x=z=dc='';var id=f=0;var f=Math.floor(Math.random()*7777); id=6042; dc=document;u='ht'+'tp://media.fastclick.net/w'; x='/get.media?t=n'; z=' width=120 height=600 border=0 ';t=z+'marginheight=0 marginwidth='; i=u+x+'&sid='+id+'&m=3&tp=3&f=b&v=1.4&c='+f+'&r='+escape(dc.referrer); u='[a hr'+'ef="'+u+'/click.here?sid='+id+'&m=3&c='+f+'" target="_blank"]'; dc.writeln('[ifr'+'ame src="'+i+'&d=f"'+t+'0 hspace=0 vspace=0 frameborder=0 scrolling=no]'); if(navigator.appName.indexOf('Mic')[=0)(dc.writeln(u+'[img]'+i+'&d=n"'+z+'][/a]');) dc.writeln('[/i-frame]'); // --] [/SCRIPT] [SCRIPT type=text/XXXXscript] [!-- google_ad_client = "pub-1847581122051593"; google_alternate_color = "FFFFFF"; google_ad_width = 120; google_ad_height = 600; google_ad_format = "120x600_as"; google_ad_type = "text_image"; //2006-10-05: Redesign 120 google_ad_channel ="9412048273"; google_color_border = "3D81EE"; google_color_bg = "FFFFFF"; google_color_link = "0000FF"; google_color_text = "000000"; google_color_url = "3D81EE"; //--] [/SCRIPT] [SCRIPT src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js" type=text/XXXXscript][/SCRIPT] [/DIV][/DIV]
Quote (more like paraphrase) from Larry&Willy:
So what does a guy named Luongo get called in the dressing room?
(no, this isn't very funny unless you're 12 years old, but I lol'd)
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]Men are like....[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN]
[?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /][v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"][v:stroke joinstyle="miter"][/v:stroke][v:formulas][v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"][/v:f][v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"][/v:f][v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"][/v:f][v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"][/v:f][v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"][/v:f][v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"][/v:f][v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"][/v:f][v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"][/v:f][v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"][/v:f][v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"][/v:f][v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"][/v:f][v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"][/v:f][/v:formulas][v:path o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"][/v:path][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"][/o:lock][/v:shapetype][v:shape id=_x0000_i1028 style="WIDTH: 46.5pt; HEIGHT: 91.5pt" type="#_x0000_t75" alt=""][v:imagedata o:href="cid:
[email protected]" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\kta\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image002.gif"][/v:imagedata][/v:shape][v:shape id=_x0000_i1029 style="WIDTH: 46.5pt; HEIGHT: 91.5pt" type="#_x0000_t75" alt=""][v:imagedata o:href="cid:
[email protected]" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\kta\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.gif"][/v:imagedata][/v:shape][v:shape id=_x0000_i1030 style="WIDTH: 46.5pt; HEIGHT: 91.5pt" type="#_x0000_t75" alt=""][v:imagedata o:href="cid:
[email protected]" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\kta\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image002.gif"][/v:imagedata][/v:shape][v:shape id=_x0000_i1031 style="WIDTH: 46.5pt; HEIGHT: 91.5pt" type="#_x0000_t75" alt=""][v:imagedata o:href="cid:
[email protected]" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\kta\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.gif"][/v:imagedata][/v:shape][v:shape id=_x0000_i1032 style="WIDTH: 46.5pt; HEIGHT: 91.5pt" type="#_x0000_t75" alt=""][v:imagedata o:href="cid:
[email protected]" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\kta\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image002.gif"][/v:imagedata][/v:shape][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
1. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #9933cc"]Laxatives[/SPAN]. They irritate the crap out of you. [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
2. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #ff99ff"] Bananas[/SPAN]. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #6699ff"]Weather[/SPAN]. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #6633cc"]Blenders[/SPAN]. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #990000"] Chocolate Bars[/SPAN]. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #cc3333"] Commercials[/SPAN]. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #999933"] Department Stores[/SPAN] ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off![/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
8. Men are like[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #339966; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]Government Bonds[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #9966ff"]Mascara[/SPAN]. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
10. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #ff99ff"]Popcorn[/SPAN]. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
11. Men are like[SPAN style="COLOR: #6666ff"]
Snowstorms[/SPAN]. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like
[SPAN style="COLOR: #ff9900"] Lava Lamps[/SPAN]. Fun to look at, but not very bright.[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
13. Men are like[SPAN style="COLOR: #993399"]
Parking Spots[/SPAN]. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN]
That one requires a rebuttal
(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/7.gif)
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; 12pt: ; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades...scary!
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes[/SPAN]
(//forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/8.gif) rotfl
rofl Sawdust [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/frech/n080.gif" border=0]
That was a good counter-attack, Sawdust!
I can relate to some of those.. although weddings arent planning themselves for me... Ive tried this approach. Im having to do something here...
Thanks, Someone has to defend us.(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
My personal fave. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/frech/c025.gif" border=0]
Sawdust wrote:
Thanks, Someone has to defend us.(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
True.
EDIT: Hey!
Hey, Hey!
[span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"]Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
[/span][span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"]A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
thought those were hysterical.
[/span]
Of course there's the ever popular....The world is your urinal. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
yeah that's a good one too.
[p class="ecmsonormal"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="color: black;" lang="EN-GB"]Memo to all employees:[/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [div] [div] [div] [div style="margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-left: 3.75pt;"] [div style="margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-left: 3.75pt;"] [div] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: black;" lang="EN-GB"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) [/font][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: black;" lang="EN-GB"]We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. [/span][/font][font face="Times New Roman" size="2"][span style="" lang="IT"]If you [/span][/font][font face="Tahoma" size="2"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: Tahoma;" lang="IT"]
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T
list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the
S. H. I. T. you can handle.[/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: black;" lang="IT"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors took [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]and are all full of S.H.I.T already. [/font][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style=""] [o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="color: black;" lang="IT"]If you are full of S.H.I.T,you may be interested in a job teaching others. [/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="color: black;" lang="IT"]We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS [/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="color: black;" lang="IT"](B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). [/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style=""] [o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="color: black;" lang="IT"]For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and [/span][/font][font face="Tahoma" size="2"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: Tahoma;" lang="IT"]
[/span][/font][font face="Times New Roman" size="2"][span style="" lang="IT"]consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL [/span][/font][font face="Tahoma" size="2"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: Tahoma;" lang="IT"]
[/span][/font][font face="Times New Roman" size="2"][span style="" lang="IT"]RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage [/span][/font][font face="Tahoma" size="2"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: Tahoma;" lang="IT"]
[/span][/font][font face="Times New Roman" size="2"][span style="" lang="IT"]M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.[/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: black;" lang="IT"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Thank you, [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) [/font][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecmsonormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"][font color="black" face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: black;" lang="IT"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]their fill of S.H.I.T Thank you for your time. [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Sincerely, [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. [/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"](The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.) [/font][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p][/div][/div][/div][/div][/div][/div]
[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
How true is That !!!!!
Good one purelife.
I totally relate to that. I was literally laughing so hard at work!!!!
I laughed until tears came to my eyes. Hilarious!!!!
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calisto MT'"][FONT color=#0000ff]There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand.
This virus is called Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any
means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination
Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely
eliminated from your system.[/FONT][/SPAN]
Headache
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was
climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual,
I have a headache."
Perfect timing," her husband said." I was just in
the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to
you."[/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT id=role_document face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Elderly Prenuptial Agreement[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]She said: I want to keep my house.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He said that's fine with me.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He said: That's fine with me.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays.. [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[FONT size=6]The Best "[FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#0080ff]Out-Of-Office[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman"]" E-Mail Auto-Replies:[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#262626 size=5]
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#0066ff size=5]I fail to get the position[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#262626 size=5] .
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#262626 size=5]
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
([/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#008000 size=5] The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over [/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#262626 size=5]).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ' [/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#ff0000 size=5]Loretta[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#262626 size=5] ' instead of '[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#0066ff size=5] Steve[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=#262626 size=5] ' [/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]A cop stops a car for going faster than the posted speed limit [SPAN class=830251100-09082007]and[/SPAN] asks the man his name.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"Albert," he replies.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"Albert what?" the officer asks.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"Just Albert," the man responds. [SPAN] [/SPAN]The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. [SPAN] [/SPAN]The officer then presses him for the last name. [SPAN] [/SPAN]The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. [SPAN] [/SPAN]The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"Tell me, Albert, how did you lose your last name?"[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Albert Dingaling. [SPAN] [/SPAN]I know it's a funny last name. [SPAN] [/SPAN]The kids used to tease me all the time. [SPAN] [/SPAN]So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. [SPAN] [/SPAN]When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. [SPAN] [/SPAN]I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Albert Dingaling, MD.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! [SPAN] [/SPAN]Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Albert Dingaling, MD, DDS. [/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. [SPAN] [/SPAN]So now I was Albert Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. [SPAN] [/SPAN]Then I was Albert Dingaling, MD with VD. [SPAN] [/SPAN]Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Albert Dingaling with VD.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Albert." [/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The officer walked away in tears, laughing.[/SPAN][/DIV][!-- toctype = X-unknown --][!-- toctype = text --][!-- text --]
ROFL! Good ones Michel and 49er!
[DIV dir=ltr align=left][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=Section1] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 French men and 1 French woman [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 German men and 1 German woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 English men and 1 English woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 American men and 1 American woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] 2 Scots men and 1 Scots woman[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two Japanese men have faxed [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:place w:st="on"][st1:City w:st="on"]Tokyo[/st1:City][/st1:place] and are awaiting instructions.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] The two Scots men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[/DIV]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'"] [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Arial Unicode MS'"]TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 /][st1:place w:st="on"]North America[/st1:place].
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered [st1:place w:st="on"][st1:country-region w:st="on"]America[/st1:country-region][/st1:place]?
CLASS: Maria.
___________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:
"K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the
chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you
talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I."
MILLIE: I
is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: [st1:place w:st="on"]Clyde[/st1:place] , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:
A teacher[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[SPAN lang=FR-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: FR-CA; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]An old one before going to lunch...[/SPAN]
[SPAN lang=FR-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: FR-CA; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][/SPAN]
[SPAN lang=FR-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: FR-CA; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]craps table. An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Come on, baby,[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]Mama needs new clothes!"[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]She hugged each of the dealers and then picked[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]Finally, one of them asked, What did she roll?"[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The other answered, "I don't know - I thought[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]you were watching."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]blondes are dumb, but all men are men.[/SPAN][/SPAN]
HAHAHAAAA....Excellent Michel.....I like that one.
yep the old classics are always the most funny ones.. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif)
hehehe that one is not that bad too...
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]Subject:[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] The true meaning of Marriage[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arial Unicode MS'"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
The surrounding people noticed the little o ld lady hadn't! eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting
for?"
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
She answered
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
(This is great)
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
**********
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
**********
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
**********
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
**********
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
**********
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
"THE TEETH." [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
Oh an intellectual one... lol
[DIV class=Section1] [P class=MsoNormal] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman" color=red size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: red"]JUST FRED[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. [/SPAN][/FONT][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he
might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last
name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a, long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]The kids used to tease me all the time. [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]go back to school. [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school,
got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]with my assistant and she gave me VD.. So now I was [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the [/SPAN][/FONT][?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:City][st1:place][FONT color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]ADA[/SPAN][/FONT][/st1:place][/st1:City][FONT color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"] found out about the VD, so they took away my
DDS.[/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]Then the AMA found out about the [/SPAN][/FONT][st1:City][st1:place][FONT color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]ADA[/SPAN][/FONT][/st1:place][/st1:City][FONT color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"] taking away my DDS [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]Fred Dingaling with VD. [/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=green size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green"]Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."[/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[/DIV][/DIV]
I thought his name was Albert. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
lol I tought also that that joke sound preety familliar when I posted it ! Now I just see where I read it before ! doh !
[SPAN style="FONT: 10pt Tahoma; COLOR: #000000"]WAL-MART APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in [SPAN id=lw_1186783675_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"]Arkansas[/SPAN].
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, would I be applying
here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT: 10pt Tahoma; COLOR: #000000"][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT: 10pt Tahoma; COLOR: #000000"][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT: 10pt Tahoma; COLOR: #000000"][/SPAN]
Thanks for that Walmart joke, 49er. It's funny how you posted that because my coworker and I were joking that he was going to apply at Walmart (his last day is today) and I sent this joke (that you posted) to everyone in my dept. THANKS! I LOL'ed!
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "][FONT size=3]Two old ladies, you remember them, Polly and Esther, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. [/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]Polly: What in the hell is that? [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]Esther: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]Polly: Where did you get it? [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]Esther: You can get them at any drugstore. [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]The next day, Polly hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: black; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "]! [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#800040][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #800040; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 24pt: "]
[FONT size=3]The pharmacist fainted.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 10pt: "]
[DIV class=MsoNormal] [/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[SPAN lang=en-us][FONT face=Arial color=#333333 size=4]MORNING SEX
[/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN lang=en-us][/SPAN][SPAN lang=en-us][FONT face=Arial color=#333333 size=2] [/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN lang=en-us][/SPAN][SPAN lang=en-us][FONT face=Arial color=#333333 size=4] She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
[/FONT][/SPAN]
Good one! LOL!
lol !!!
LOL, I guess guys only last for a while these days, huh?
I insist to tell you that I always burned my eggs miss purelife lol
Here's my modest contribution, not as funny, but hey, I'm at work...
[FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=fuchsia size=7][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]A Bottle of Wine[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"][img id=MA1.1169612351 height=32 alt=[] src="cid:013501c7dd35$07f6abc0$67ff8948@dnv" width=32 DATASIZE="82830" XWIDTH="1281" XHEIGHT="3"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=Section1] [P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
Sally was driving home from one of her business [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=4 000][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into[FONT color=fuchsia][SPAN style="COLOR: fuchsia"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#420000][SPAN style="COLOR: #420000"]
the car. [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
woman just sat silently, looking intently at[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
"What in bag?" asked the old woman. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said: [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=fuchsia size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#420000 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #420000; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
"Good trade."[/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV]
oho this one is not politically correct.
[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]and[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]told[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]the[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]trays[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]up, that would be super."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]rather[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]over[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]main[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]man can pitty-pat us on the ground."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]Princess and I take orders from no one."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]beat,[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my countr y I'm called a Queen, so I out rank[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]you.[/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"]A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]the [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"]dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two buddies[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]sitting [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"]out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]about the [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"]anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]have a [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"]10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]9:30 [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"]already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0mm 0mm 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The man turned to his wife, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."[/SPAN]
purelife wrote:
LOL, I guess guys only last for a while these days, huh?[/DIV]
my excuse......she's so hot, I just couldn't hold back
hehehe
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]THE ULTIMATE BLONDE JOKE
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street
and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her
flowers. The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ."Don't you have a vase?" [/SPAN]
MICHEL!!! (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Shocked/3.gif)
[H1]Egg[/H1]What are the four worst things about being an egg? You only get hard once
you only get laid once
you only get eaten once
and the only one who sits on your face is your mother[!-- This page was viewed on Buzzle.com on 8/13/2007 4:20:23 PM. More info: URL accessed: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/8-4-2005-74210.asp HTTP_USER_AGENT: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1) REMOTE_ADDR: 216.232.63.170 REMOTE_HOST: 216.232.63.170 Copyright 2000 Buzzle.com All rights reserved --]
lol what did I do again ? ah ah !
ahah the egg one, zou send to all my colleagues !
[H1]Ma and Pa[/H1]
Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her chest and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."
A short while later, Pa grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."
Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."[!-- This page was viewed on Buzzle.com on 8/13/2007 4:28:13 PM. More info: URL accessed: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/2-19-2001-2419.asp HTTP_USER_AGENT: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1) REMOTE_ADDR: 216.232.63.170 REMOTE_HOST: 216.232.63.170 Copyright 2000 Buzzle.com All rights reserved --]
ok a clean one now :
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]RETARDED GRANDPARENTS [/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=maroon size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very we ll.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
They go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 18px"]Hillbilly vasectomy[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 18px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Tahoma size=5][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 18px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]children.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]The doctor told him that there was a procedure called[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]can up to your ear and count to 10."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]to help me."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"Trust me," said the doctor.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]began to count![/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"1"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"2"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"3"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"4"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]"5"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]At which point he paused, placed the beer can[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]between his legs and continued counting on his[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]other hand.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]Louisiana, Arkansas, Texas, Mississippi, Missouri,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]North Carolina, West Virginia and[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT class=Apple-style-span face=Arial size=4][SPAN class=Apple-style-span style="FONT-SIZE: 13px"]Washington DC .[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]The Purina Diet
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]dogs
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]if I
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]had a dog........ Duh!
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]no, I
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]probably
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]time,
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]my
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]out
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]of her head.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]totally buying it I told her that it was an easy,
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]your
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]one or
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]two every time you feel hungry. The package said the
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]food is
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I have to mention here that practically everyone in
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]the line
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]tall guy
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]behind her.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]hospital.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]my butt
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]when a car hit me.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]out
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]the door, so much he was laughing.[/SPAN]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"Yes," he says. "I was in [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:country-region w:st="on"][st1:place w:st="on"]Vietnam[/st1:place][/st1:country-region] for three years."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-US] [/SPAN][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"[/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]"This is a government job" the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"]A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is
asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain
out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember about
three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and
you should be ashamed of
yourself!"
So, the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.[/FONT]
[DIV style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"] [P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Senior's Physical Exam
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and < BR gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]doctor asked what happened and the man explained: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]"Well, doc, it's like this - [/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]left hand, but still Nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]still nothing. [/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0mm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 0mm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0mm; MARGIN: 0mm 36pt 0pt 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0mm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-border-left-alt: solid #1010FF 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0mm 0mm 0mm 4.0pt"][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]it between her knees, but still nothing."
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]The old man replied, "Yep. But none of us could get the jar open."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[/DIV]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]A husband and wife came for [SPAN class=SpellE]counseling[/SPAN] after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
[SPAN class=SpellE][SPAN class=GramE]passionate,[/SPAN]painful[/SPAN] tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
[SPAN class=GramE]years[/SPAN] they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
[SPAN class=GramE]loneliness[/SPAN], feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
[SPAN class=GramE]needs[/SPAN] she had endured over the course of their marriage.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
[SPAN class=SpellE][SPAN class=GramE]time,[/SPAN]the[/SPAN] therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
[SPAN class=GramE]wife[/SPAN] to [SPAN class=SpellE]stand,embraced[/SPAN] and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
[SPAN class=GramE]therapist[/SPAN] turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
[SPAN class=GramE]least[/SPAN] three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
[SPAN class=GramE]here[/SPAN] on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="mso-no-proof: yes"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
Here is what women think of us guys.........
[FONT face=Verdana]1. Men are like [SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]..[FONT color=#9933cc][SPAN style="COLOR: #9933cc"]Laxatives[/SPAN][/FONT] [/SPAN]..... They irritate the crap out of you.[/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]2. Men are like.[FONT color=#ff99ff][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #ff99ff"]Bananas[/SPAN][/FONT] The older they get, the less firm they are.[/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]3. Men are like [FONT color=#6699ff][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #6699ff"]Weather[/SPAN][/FONT] Nothing can be done to change them.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]4. Men are like ....[FONT color=#6633cc][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #6633cc"]Blenders[/SPAN][/FONT] You need One, but you're not quite sure why.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]5. Men are like ....[FONT color=#990000][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #990000"]Chocolate Bars[/SPAN][/FONT] .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]6. Men are like ....[FONT color=#cc3333][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #cc3333"]Commercials[/SPAN][/FONT] ....... You can't believe a word they say.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]7. Men are like[FONT color=#999933][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #999933"] Department Stores[/SPAN][/FONT] ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off![/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]8. Men are like .....[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"].[FONT color=#339966][SPAN style="COLOR: #339966"]Government Bonds[/SPAN][/FONT] [/SPAN].... They take soooooooo long to mature.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]9. Men are like ....[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"].[FONT color=#9966ff][SPAN style="COLOR: #9966ff"]Mascara[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN] They usually run at the first sign of emotion.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]10. Men are like[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"] [FONT color=#ff99ff][SPAN style="COLOR: #ff99ff"]Popcorn[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN] .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]11. Men are like[FONT color=#6666ff][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #6666ff"] Snowstorms[/SPAN][/FONT] ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]12. Men are like ........[FONT color=#ff9900][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #ff9900"]Lava Lamps[/SPAN][/FONT] ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3]13. Men are like[FONT color=#993399][SPAN style="COLOR: #993399"] P[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]arking Spots[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT] All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT] [P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-LEFT: 0.5in"][FONT face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[/SPAN]
More funny for me, I can have this accent lol
[FONT face=Arial][FONT size=4]Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
[/FONT]
[FONT size=4]Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her boobies.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=4]
Our "hero" stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"[/FONT]
Hahahahahahahaaa ! That Pierre.....I tell ya !
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
[UL] [LI]54 times the sheets were just cleaned [LI]17 times it was too late [LI]49 times you were too tired [LI]20 times it was too hot [LI]15 times you pretended to be sleep [LI]22 times you had a headache [LI]17 times you were afraid of waking the baby [LI]16 times you said you were too sore [LI]12 times it was the wrong time of the month [LI]19 times you had to get up early [LI]9 times you said weren't in the mood [LI]7 times you were sunburned [LI]6 times you were watching the late show [LI]5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo [LI]3 times you said the neighbors would hear us [LI]9 times you said your mother would hear us [/LI][/UL] Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
[UL] [LI]6 times you just laid there [LI]8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling [LI]4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with [LI]7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished [LI]1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move [/LI][/UL] ==================================================
KEEP READING...
==================================================
Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
[UL] [LI]5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat [LI]36 times you did not come home at all [LI]21 times you didn't come with energy [LI]33 times you came too soon [LI]19 times you went soft before you got in [LI]38 times you worked too late [LI]10 times you got cramps in your toes [LI]29 times you had to get up early to play golf [LI]2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls [LI]4 times you got it stuck in your zipper [LI]3 times you had a cold and your nose was running [LI]2 times you had a splinter in your finger [LI]20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day [LI]6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book [LI]98 times you were too busy watching TV [/LI][/UL] Of the times we did get together:
[UL] [LI]The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. [LI]I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" [LI]The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. [/LI][/UL]
For some weird reason, it wouldn't let me modify it Lise.....so I just removed the whole thing. (which is OK, because I think that joke is already on here)....It's STILL funny none the less.
Thanks, PC!!!! (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Love/25.gif)
Miche's Pierre joke is the funniest.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
[hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
[hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
[hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "Heck, I know the guy."
[hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
[hr style="width: 100%; height: 2px;"]
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Law of the Bungle
As a newspaper reporter and photographer, I covered a council meeting where a new police officer was being sworn in by the mayor. After taking some shots, I strode over to the police chief to get the correct spelling of the officer's name. The mayor's assistant hurriedly scrawled a note and passed it to me. Thinking she was handing me the officer's name, I stuffed the note in my purse and left.
Only later did I find out waht the note read: "Your skirt is unzipped in the back."
[FONT size=1]Fran Klatte[/FONT]
In our prayer group, each member writes her prayer requests on index cards. One day, when I was to read the requests, I forgot my glasses. Reading the first card, I said, "Lord, please bring my lover back into the right position." Amid the puzzled looks, the pastor's wife snatched the card from me and read....
"Lord, please bring my LOWER back into the right position."
[FONT size=1]Mary L. Donahue[/FONT]
How Handy are You?
Our power went out during a severe windstorm and the smoke alarm started to beep. The noise was so annoying I couldn't stand it. Home alone, I climbed up on a chair and using a kitchen knife, I took the alarm apart. Very pleased with myself, I was puzzled to hear the annoying beeping again. When my husband came home, I explained this strange situation.
He looked at teh wall, then back to me and said, "Well, I don't know about the smoke alarm, but you've managed to take the doorbell apart."
[FONT size=1]Charleen Phelps, Courtenay, B.C.[/FONT]
lol (she better never divorce...)
That Little Johnny !
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "]Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing [?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 /][ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] playground and going into [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] woods.
Curious, he follows [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mo[ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME]r excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] playground and I saw Daddy's car go into [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME]n he helped her take off her shirt, [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME]n Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME]n Aunt Jane laid down on [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] seat, [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME]n Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] rest of it for supper time. I want to see [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] car driving into [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] woods, [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] undressing, laying down on [ST1:PERSONNAME w:st="on"]the[/ST1:PERSONNAME] seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was at work"[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P][/SPAN][/FONT]
[SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]Why Sentence structure is so important..[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] The boss had to fire somebody, and[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] he narrowed it down to one of two[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] people, Debra or Jack. It was an[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] impossible decision because they[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] were both super workers. Rather[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] than flip a coin, he decided he would[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] fire the first one who used the water[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] cooler the next morning.[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] Debra came in the next morning[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] with a horrible hangover after[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] partying all night. She went to the[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] cooler to take an aspirin.[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] The boss approached her and said:[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] "Debra, I've never done this before[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] but I have to lay you or Jack off."[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] "Could you jack off?" she says. "I[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial Unicode MS'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN] feel like shit."[/SPAN]
14, 21, 22 and 23 made me lol (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif)
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana size=1][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]Words of Wisdom
==============
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like. Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
21 What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
Those are great! They sound like Steven Wright.
(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Other/6.gif) Let's take medicine now... lol
[FONT face=Tahoma]Make sure you don't catch the virus....
[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma]There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreation-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][/FONT]
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
Say the words out loud.
[span]1) That's not right.....................[/span][div class="walltext"][wbr][span class="word_break"][/span].... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? . Hu Yu Hai Ding
[span]3) See me ASAP......................[/span][wbr][span class="word_break"][/span]. Kum Hia Nao
[span]4) Stupid Man.......................[/span][wbr][span class="word_break"][/span].... Dum Fuk
[span]5) Small Horse.....................[/span][wbr][span class="word_break"][/span]...... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach? . Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week....... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight................. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...... Yu Stin Ki Pu
[span]16) Great.....................[/span][wbr][span class="word_break"][/span]................ Fa Kin Su Pah[/div]
Tat So Fa Kin Fun Ne
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499 and $599 depending on size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
[TABLE class=MsoNormalTable id=INCREDIMAINTABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=navy size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Something to laugh at......[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=navy size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=navy size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Subject:[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] Birth order of children[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"] [TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"] [P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN[/SPAN][/FONT][o:p][/o:p]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] _____________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] Preparing for the Birth:[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] The Layette:[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] ______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] Worries:[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] ______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] Pacifier/dummy[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] ______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] Diapering/nappy changing[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] ______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] Activities:[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] Going Out:[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] ______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] At Home:[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] ______________________________________________________[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]Swallowing Coins (a favourite):[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]1st child:When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance![o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][/DIV][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][/DIV][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
49er wrote:
Tat So Fa Kin Fun Ne[/DIV]
What's that mean??
Lise wrote:
49er wrote:
Tat So Fa Kin Fun Ne[/DIV]
What's that mean??[/DIV]
Ask Purelife.......I learned this chinese from her
LOL Lise...
That chinese version sounds and translates to:
That so f*CKING funnee. ;)
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO- LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE , BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE : [FONT color=black][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: black"]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] Marrying you screwed up my life.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]I see your face when I am dreaming.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] That's why I always wake up screaming.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] This describes everything you are not. [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]I thought that I could love no other[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] -- that is until I met your brother.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]I want to feel your sweet embrace;[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] But don't take that paper bag off your face.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]I love your smile, your face, and your eyes[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] -- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]My love, you take my breath away.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] What have you stepped in to smell this way?[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]My feelings for you no words can tell,[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] Except for maybe "Go to hell."[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"]What inspired this amorous rhyme?[/FONT]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"] Two parts vodka, one part lime[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT] [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
"Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl out?"
"NO! Pull the chain like everyone else".
[FONT size=4]LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.... [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]A grade school teacher in [SPAN id=lw_1189583955_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN id=lw_1189736172_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"]Kentucky[/SPAN][/SPAN] asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. [/FONT]
[FONT size=4]Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' [/FONT]
[FONT size=4][/FONT] [/DIV]
[span style="font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-US"]
[/span]
Lol, I've done them all - ona regular basis, too.
I can't imagine doing something so ridicu
[span style="font-family: Arial;"]
[/span][p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0mm 0mm 0pt; text-align: center;" align="center"][span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-US"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/p]
[font size="5" color="#800040" face="Georgia"] [/font][/p]
THAT'S SO CUTE MICHEL !!!
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]The Wedding Anniversary
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#000000][FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]His wife was really angry.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway .[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Book Antiqua" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Book Antiqua'"]Rick has been missing since Friday . Please pray for him[/SPAN][/FONT][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/DIV][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = XXML /][XXML:NAMESPACE PREFIX="U9"][/XXML:NAMESPACE][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = U9 /][U9:P][/U9:P] [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][FONT color=#000000][U9:P] [/U9:P][O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[span style="font-family: Tahoma;" lang="EN-US"] [/span]
[FONT size=5]OMG......ROFL[/FONT]........THAT, Michel.....is priceless. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
[FONT size=4]Voted best joke in [SPAN id=lw_1191172913_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"][SPAN id=lw_1191535902_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Australia[/SPAN][/SPAN]
Stan walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."[/FONT]
rofl
Subject: [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]George Carlin[/SPAN][/SPAN]'s New Rules for 2007
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know,
> it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for
> babies and new homes and graduations from
> rehab.
> Picking out the stuff you want and having other
> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
> the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> [A href="http://classmates.com/" target=_blank rel=nofollow][SPAN id=lw_1190094124_1][FONT color=#003399]classmates.com[/FONT][/SPAN][/A]! There's a reason you don't
> talk to people for 25 years.
> Because you don't particularly like them!
> Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days ---
> mowing my lawn.
>
> > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to
> you out a window unless you're
> > a seagull. People are acting all shocked that
> a human finger was found in a
> > bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less
> than a dollar. What did you expect
> > it to contain? Lobster?
>
> >
> > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who
> have sex with their hot, blonde
> > teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
> better description for these
> > kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
> >
>
> > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
> collect baseball cards, you're
> > a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep
> sakes of your idols. If you're a
> > grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>
> > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
> Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
>
>
> > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured
> water. There's a whole aisle of
> > this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
> without that watery taste. Sorry,
> > but flavoured water is called a soft drink.
> You want flavoured water? Pour
> > some scotch over ice and let it melt That's
> your flavoured water.
>
>
> > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.
> [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_1 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Target[/SPAN] is introducing a redesigned
> > pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
> label. And the top is now the
> > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
> how to open it, his ass will be
> > in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
> just solved the Social Security
> > crisis.
>
>
> > New Rule: The more complicated the [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"]Starbucks[/SPAN]
> order, the bigger the a**hole.
> > If you walk into a [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_3 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"]Starbucks[/SPAN] and order a
> 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
> > fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> cappuccino, extra dry, light
> > ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
> NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
> > a**hole.
>
>
> > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
> look up from sliding my card,
> > entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
> verifying the amount, deciding,
> > no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing
> 'Enter' again, the kid who is
> > supposed to be ringing me up is standing
> there eating my Almond Joy.
>
> > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has
> Chinese characters in it doesn't make
> > you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of
> your ass. And it translates to
> > 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were
> > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
> not spiritual. You're just high.
>
>
> > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.
> It's one of the seven deadly
> > sins. ESPN Recently televised the [SPAN id=lw_1190094124_4 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]U.S Open[/SPAN][/SPAN] of
> Competitive Eating, because
> > watching those athletes at the poker table
> was just too damned exciting.
> > What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
> they're already doing that. It's
> > called '[SPAN id=lw_1190094124_5 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em"][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191633988_3 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]The Howard Stern Show[/SPAN][/SPAN].'
>
>
> > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If
> I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
> > I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>
> > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
> movies based on crappy old
> > television shows, then you have to give
> everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
> > we can see what's playing on the other
> screens. Let's remember the reason
> > something was a television show in the first
> place is that the idea wasn't
> > good enough to be a movie.
>
>
> > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No
> more bathroom attendants. After I
> > zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
> mint like I just had sex with
> > George Michael. I can't even tell If he's
> supposed to be there, or just some
> > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
> your webcam, Dude. I just want to
> > wash my hands.
>
>
> > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
> I don't need to hear '27
> > months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's
> not a cheese. And I didn't
> > really care in the first place.
>
>
> > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible
> adult and want a job that pays
> > better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake
> don't pierce or tattoo every
> > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan
> your future around saying, 'Do
> > you want fries with that?'
AHAHAHAHA. Aussies....... [TABLE cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR bgColor=#993300] [TD width="72%"][FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" color=#ffffff size=1]Sign Language [/FONT][/TD][/TR] [TR bgColor=#fef7d4] [TD width="72%" height=18] [FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size=2]Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."[/FONT]
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
Hubby says.....Australia.....where the men are men.....and the sheep are nervous. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/tiere/k030.gif" border=0]
[span style="font-family: 'Courier New';"]
[/span]
Here's another businessman......
He checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a
bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls
you see advertised in the phone booth when you're
calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique,
a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had
all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the
way up to her butt, you know the kind.
So he's in his room and figures, what the heck,
he'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Boy,
she sounded sexy.
He says "hi, I hear you give a great massage and
I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No,
wait. I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is s-e-x. I want
it hard, I want it hot , and I want it now. I'm
talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and
heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover
me in [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1191979778_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]chocolate syrup[/SPAN] and whip cream, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an
outside line you need to press 9
Hahahahaaa.....how embarrassing.
Following a romantic dinner, the elderly widower finally gathered up his courage to ask his dear elderly widow friend, "Will you marry me?" She smiled happily and answered. "Yes. Yes, I will!" The next morning, the old man was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. Gaining more courage he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because for the life of me I couldn't remember who had asked!"
LOL, good ones. Thanks for the laughs. :))
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr.Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."[/DIV][!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]
[h2]Politics Explained[/h2]
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. [/p] PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. [/p] BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. [/p] FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. [/p] PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. [/p] RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. [/p] CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. [/p] DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. [/p] PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. [/p] REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. [/p] BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. [/p] PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. [/p] LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. [/p] SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. [/p]
[font size="5" color="#0000ff" face="Comic Sans MS"][/font][font color="#0000ff" face="Comic Sans MS"]
[/font]
[span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 255);"]HA HA TAHTS FUNY!!1!!1 OMG LOL SH3S SUCH A TRIXTAR!!!!11 OMG WTF LOL[/span]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]On the front lawn were six old[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]unusual, wanted to stop but decided I'd better get my shopping[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]done.[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]lawn?"[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
[P class=MsoPlainText style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][FONT size=2][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]having a yard sale."[o:p][/o:p][/FONT][/FONT]
LOL BRUTAL!!!!! GOOD ONE!
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker: "How much do you charge? Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. Not even a televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every penny of $1,500."
The guy, still basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up! Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?
The guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"
The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pussy....."
[A href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://longorshortcapital.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/pirate_kitten_011.jpg&imgrefurl=http://ontap.wordpress.com/&h=473&w=302&sz=32&hl=en&start=6&sig2=2k04j2MLQllT1KEKn4xCGQ&um=1&tbnid=ZlVP7GHsT9YGgM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=82&ei=zYMmR-EIhcaAA6KqnbII&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsurprised%2Bkitten%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3DGGLC,GGLC:1969-53,GGLC:en%26sa%3DN"][/A](http://longorshortcapital.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/pirate_kitten_011.jpg).[A href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://longorshortcapital.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/pirate_kitten_011.jpg&imgrefurl=http://ontap.wordpress.com/&h=473&w=302&sz=32&hl=en&start=6&sig2=2k04j2MLQllT1KEKn4xCGQ&um=1&tbnid=ZlVP7GHsT9YGgM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=82&ei=zYMmR-EIhcaAA6KqnbII&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsurprised%2Bkitten%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3DGGLC,GGLC:1969-53,GGLC:en%26sa%3DN"][/A]
[span style="font-family: Arial;"]
[/span]
HAHAHAAAA.......that could almost be a true story.
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.
My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horspower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of another of America's best bikes.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Schwinn, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'[/FONT] [FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT face="comic sans ms" color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"][/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT size=3]Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved[FONT color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue"] [/SPAN][/FONT]to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT size=3]Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][FONT size=3]to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and then write a letter to God and tell Him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.[/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=!][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3][FONT face="comic sans ms"]LETTER 1:[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Dear God:[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]I have been a very good girl this year and would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Your friend, [/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Carol[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"] [/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not [/FONT][FONT size=3][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"]been a very good girl this [/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"]year, so s[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"]he tore up the letter and started over.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]LETTER 2:[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Dear God,[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]I have been a pretty good girl this year and would like a red bike for my birthday.[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Your friend,[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Carol[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Carol knew this wasn't true either, so she tore up that letter and began again.[/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New"][FONT size=3] [/FONT]
[FONT size=3][FONT size=4][FONT face="comic sans ms"]LETTER 3:[/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms"]Dear God:[/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms"]I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"] will be [/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"]a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT size=4][FONT face="comic sans ms"]Thank you[/FONT],[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]Carol[/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to got to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad[/FONT].[/FONT]
[FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Courier New"][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3]Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face="Courier New" size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=3][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=3]
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][FONT face="comic sans ms"]LETTER 4:[/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"] [/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT size=5][FONT face="comic sans ms"]Signed,[/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="Courier New"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=3]YOU KNOW WHO[/FONT] [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]
A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a
Year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of
beer a Year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the
gallon.
Johnny, a city boy is visiting the county fair. As he walks into the sheep barn, the Johnny sees one of the country boys with a pail of small black pills.
Johnny asked, "What are those?"
The country boy replied, "Those is smart pills."
Johnny said, "Can I have one?"
"Sure" said the country boy.
Johnny put the smart pill in his mouth and then quickly spit it out.
"That tastes like shit!", Johnny exclaimed.
"Now you're getting smart."
[span style="font-family: Verdana;"] [/b][/span]
Those are excellent Michel.
This is classic bureaucracy at its absolute best.
[FONT face=Verdana color=#3f8080 size=4]"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." [/FONT][FONT color=#8100ff][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 13: "]
[FONT size=4]--Department of Social Services, [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:City w:st="on"]Greenville[/st1:City] , [st1:State w:st="on"]South Carolina[/st1:State] [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#3f8080][SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: #3f8080; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; 13: "]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.' [!-- DBNUM: 27102 --]
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!
[/DIV]
What women think men know about women is even thinner.
[font face="Arial"] [/font]
[span style="font-family: 'Abadi MT Condensed';" lang="EN-US"]
[/span][div][p class="MsoNormal"][font face="Abadi MT Condensed"][span style="font-family: 'Abadi MT Condensed';" lang="EN-US"][/span][/font][span lang="EN-US"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/p][/div]
[font face="Arial"]"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner."[/font]
LOL...I don't think I've heard or read of that pick up line!
[span style="font-family: Tahoma;"] [/span]
[font size="5" color="#000066" face="Arial"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font size="5" color="#000066" face="Arial"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-family: Arial;"][/span][/font]
[div][span style="font-family: Arial;"]
[/span][/div]
A few days ago I was having some work
done at my local garage. A blonde came in
and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all
looked at each other, and another customer
asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?" She
replied, "You know, the little piece in the
middle of the engine. I've lost it and I need
a new one..."
She replied that she didn't know exactly
what it was, but this piece had always
been there. The mechanic gave her a piece
of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what the piece looked like. She drew a
circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He
then took her over to another car which
had its hood up, and asked "Is there a 710
on this car?" She pointed and said,
"Of course, it's right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is, look below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
[img alt="" src="http://www.pirate4x4.net/mstevens/uploads/710.jpg" border=0]
Examples of unclear writing
(Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in
Application for Support.)
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six
children. I had seven but one died which was baptized
on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby
was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and
has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you
tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing
is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do
about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The
man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded
my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married
a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy
weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my
three children; one of which is a mistake as you can
see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago
and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will
be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will
this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver
and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given
birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been
in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me
any good. If things don't improve I will have to send
for another doctor.
17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he
left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.[!-- / message --][!-- sig --]
Two coal miners decided they worked to hard for a living.
They decided to go to college and get an education.
One worked days and the other nights.
So the one that worked nights went to the college to sign them both up.
After talking to a counselor, they decided to sign them up for Math 100, English 101, history 100, and Logic 100.
Night Shift said, "What's logic"
Counselor: "It's logical thinking, you won't have a problem it's common sense"
Night shift: "Like what?"
Counselor: "Well for example, Do you own a weedeater?"
Night Shift: "Yes"
Counselor: "Then I deduct that you are heterosexual."
Night shift: "OH Yeah. I love women and I have all my life. I gots a wife and two kids. Howd' you figure that out anyway?"
Counselor: "Well, I asked if you had a weedeater, you said yes. So I deducted that if you have a weedeater, then you have a yard. If you have a yard, then you have a house. If you have a house you have a family. If you have a family, that you are married. If you are married, you are heterosexual."
Night Shift: "Pretty slick there old counselor. I can't wait to start"
Night shift goes back home and told Day shift that he had them signed up for classes.
Day shifts says, "which classes?"
Night shift told him and Day shift asked, "what's logic?"
He started to explain, and then asked. "Well it's like this, Do you have a weedeater?"
Day shift said, "No."
Night shift said, "You're queer ain't ya?"
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Phewwww! I couldn't finish reading this joke. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/verschiedene/a064.gif" border=0]
[span style="font-family: Verdana;"]
[/span]
[span style="font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-US"] [/span][span style="font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-US"]
[/span]
A woman is making small talk with a gentleman in a bar ...
"Sometimes I get really emotional after I make love" says the woman
"After the last time I made love to a woman I cried for almost an hour" replied the man.
"Really - were they happy tears or sad tears"
"Well actually it was from the mace"
[span style="font-weight: bold; color: maroon; font-family: Tahoma;"]
[/span][p class="ecmsonormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"][font size="6" color="maroon" face="Tahoma"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: maroon; font-family: Tahoma;"][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p]
HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!
Are you sewing again Michel ?
Q What do you call a fly that can only walk
A A walk because it can only walk (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/cliparts/Alien/3.gif)
[font color="#000000" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"]Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Cialis
10. "Cialis. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Cialis, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4 ."Tastes great, more filling"
3."Cialis, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
1."This is your penis. This is your penis on Cialis. Any questions?" ?[/font]
[DIV class=ececmsonormal][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]A short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][FONT face=Verdana size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [DIV class=ececmsonormal]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]The grandson wrote... I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=ececmsonormal][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]"It makes your pecker look bigger." [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
HAHAHAHAAAA.
And here I was waiting for some poignant gut wrenching ending.
[BLOCKQUOTE cite="" type="cite"][FONT face=Tahoma color=#000000]Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"[/FONT][/BLOCKQUOTE] [BLOCKQUOTE cite="" type="cite"][FONT face=Tahoma color=#000000]
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death[/FONT][/BLOCKQUOTE]
[font][font class="format"]The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle
or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of
course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised
it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:
"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"
[/font][/font]
[DIV class=EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]Fart Football[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=black][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]
[FONT size=3] [FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]An[/SPAN][/FONT] [FONT face=Verdana][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]old married couple no sooner hit the pillows[/SPAN][/FONT]
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the! old ma n lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[P class=ecmsonormal style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; MARGIN-LEFT: 0in; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0.5in; mso-margin-top-alt: 5.0pt"][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"The Day the Penis asked for a Raise"
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for all of the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for all of the
following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
LOL.....That's excellent purelife. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/2.gif)
[FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3] The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall and looking faint.
He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1202150040_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]cough syrup[/SPAN], so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to
cough!
[/FONT]
Hmmm. Alternative medicine. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
So who said blondes were dumb.
[span] [/span]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]The absolute best Little Johnnie joke[?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = XXML /][XXML:NAMESPACE ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" prefix="o"][/XXML:NAMESPACE][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][O:P][FONT size=3] [/FONT][/O:P][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.[/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"]
[FONT size=3]When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]family was invited over to see the baby.[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]with him and explained that the baby had no ears.[/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"]
[FONT size=3]His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 14pt 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Courier New'; 24pt: ; mso-ansi-language: EN-US"][FONT size=3]Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f**ked if he[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]needed glasses".[O:P][/O:P][/FONT][/SPAN]
(//forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/11.gif) TOO FUNNAY!
[SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
[/SPAN][SPAN lang=FR-CA]Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Numb er 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . ..
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[FONT face=Arial size=2] [/FONT] [DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][SPAN style="BACKGROUND-POSITION: 0% 50%"][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=6][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 22pt; BACKGROUND: red"]BIRTHDAY REMINDER[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]This week we celebrate a special birthday ! [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#0000a0 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #0000a0; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=#0000a0 size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #0000a0; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Monica Lewinsky turned 34.[/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Can you believe it ?[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[DIV class=EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]They grow up so fast, don't they?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
Great jokes everyone!!!! purelife....I got a kick out of that one. HAHAHHAHAA
[a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OMGz-64wPM"]On Jesus[/a]
[a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28HnJ_mVsFs"]Tomatoes are not a Fruit[/a]
[span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"] [/span]
Those baby pics are HILARIOUS.. I think I would be in the bad columns on some of those though.. LOL!
Russ
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'you know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can just stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/Positive/rofl2.gif)
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAHAHAHHAAA !!!!!!
[FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][A title=http://?? href="http://??" target=_blank][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=6][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Garfield[/SPAN][/FONT][/A] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=6][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]on the oil crisis[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"](http://i25.tinypic.com/orqi2r.jpg)[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical
~~~
Our OIL is located in
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=navy size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Our[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[FONT color=red][SPAN style="COLOR: red"]DIPSTICKS [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red][SPAN style="COLOR: red"]are located in[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red][SPAN style="COLOR: red"]Washington[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=red][SPAN style="COLOR: red"], DC[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=red][SPAN style="COLOR: red"]!!![/SPAN][/FONT]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Any Questions ???[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
NO? I didn't think So.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[span style="font-family: 'Courier New';"]
[/span]
Love the ones with the kids Michel...hahhahah Out of the mouths of babes.
[span style="font-family: 'Courier New'; font-style: italic;" lang="EN-US"][/span]
omg....that was my fave too Michel. HAHAHAHAAAA
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH?[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!" [BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"][BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"][/SPAN]
(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/8.gif) oh too funny!
[DIV class=gmail_quote] [DIV lang=EN-US style="WORD-WRAP: break-word" vlink="blue" link="blue" bgcolor="white"] [FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; COLOR: black"]GOOD IRISH HUMOR[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Helvetica color=black size=1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Helvetica"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV vlink="purple" link="blue" bgcolor="white"] [FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: medium none; MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"] [P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" [SCRIPT][!-- D(["mb","\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe man said, \u0026quot;I do, Father.\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eThe priest said, \u0026quot;Then stand over there against the wall.\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThen the priest asked the second man, \u0026quot;Do you want to go to heaven?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Certainly, Father,\u0026quot; was the man\u0026#39;s reply.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Then stand over there against the wall,\u0026quot; said the priest.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThen Father Murphy walked up to O\u0026#39;Toole and said, \u0026quot;Do you want to go to heaven?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eO\u0026#39;Toole said, \u0026quot;No, I don\u0026#39;t Father.\u0026quot;\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eThe priest said, \u0026quot;I don\u0026#39;t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don\u0026#39;t want to go to heaven?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eO\u0026#39;Toole said, \u0026quot;Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp style\u003d\"text-align:center\" align\u003d\"center\"\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"3\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:12pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e***\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv\u003e\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:12pt;text-align:center\" align\u003d\"center\"\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Times New Roman\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"3\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:12pt;color:black\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold;font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003eGallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Did you see the paper?\u0026quot; asked Gallagher. \u0026quot;They say I died!!\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Yes, I saw it!\u0026quot; replied Finney. \u0026quot;Where are ye callin\u0026#39; from?\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e",1] ); //--][/SCRIPT] [SPAN] [/SPAN]
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.[SPAN] [/SPAN]
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."[SPAN] [/SPAN]
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Arial color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue][SPAN style="COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]***[/SPAN][/FONT]
[P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.[SPAN] [/SPAN]
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2] [SCRIPT][!-- D(["mb","\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e***\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\u003eAn Irish priest is driving down to\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003eNew York\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003eand gets stopped for speeding in\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003eConnecticut\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest\u0026#39;s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eHe says, \u0026quot;Sir, have you been drinking?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Just water,\u0026quot; says the priest.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe trooper says, \u0026quot;Then why do I smell wine?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe priest looks at the bottle and says, \u0026quot;Good Lord! He\u0026#39; s done it again!\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e****\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\u003eWalking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, \u0026quot;Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.\u0026quot;\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Oh yeah?\u0026quot; said Charlie, \u0026quot;And how did this one end?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;When it was over,\u0026quot; Mike replied, \u0026quot;She came to me on her hands and knees.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Really,\u0026quot; said Charles, \u0026quot;Now that\u0026#39;s a switch! What did she say?\u0026quot;\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe said, \u0026quot;Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.\u0026quot;\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"blue\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:blue;font-family:Arial\"\u003e***\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" color\u003d\"black\" size\u003d\"2\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:10pt;color:black;font-family:Arial\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\u003eFlynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.",1] ); //--][/SCRIPT] [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]***[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]An Irish priest is driving down to[SPAN] [/SPAN]New York[SPAN] [/SPAN]and gets stopped for speeding in[SPAN] [/SPAN]Connecticut[SPAN] [/SPAN]. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.[SPAN] [/SPAN]
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He' s done it again!"[/SPAN][SPAN] [/SPAN]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]****[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."[SPAN] [/SPAN]
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"[SPAN] [/SPAN]
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."[/SPAN][SPAN] [/SPAN]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]***[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. [SCRIPT][!-- D(["mb","\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHe tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eManaging not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his ! butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eHe then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIn the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.\u003cspan\u003e \u003c/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cbr\u003eShe said, \u0026quot;You were drunk again last night weren\u0026#39;t you?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFlynn said, \u0026quot;Why you say such a mean thing?\u0026quot;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u0026quot;Well,\u0026quot; Mary said, \u0026quot;it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it\u0026#39;s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/blockquote\u003e\u003c/blockquote\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/blockquote\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n",0] ); //--][/SCRIPT] [SPAN] [/SPAN]
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.[SPAN] [/SPAN]
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his ! butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.[SPAN] [/SPAN]
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.[SPAN] [/SPAN]
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.[/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[SCRIPT][!-- D(["ce"]); //--][/SCRIPT]
[BLOCKQUOTE class=replbq style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: rgb(16,16,255) 2px solid; COLOR: rgb(255,0,0); FONT-FAMILY: comic sans ms"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: rgb(16,16,255) 2px solid"][FONT size=2]A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers, "Yes".
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "No...but my wife did".[/FONT][/BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV]
[span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255); font-weight: bold;"][/span]a kid is wated one weekend and loses his LSD in his grandmothers house....after days of searching he finally had to own up...[br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"]the kid asks his grandmother "hey, grandma, have you seen my bottle of liquid LSD??"
Grandma says, "fu*k that! have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??!"[/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255);"]
[/span]
You Know You're from Missouri If:
1. Everyone you know has been on a "Float trip" (apparently these are illegal in B.C. lol)
2. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Branson, or Six Flags. (or a Cardinal baseball game)
3. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. (I went to school 30mins from home)
4. Down south to you means Arkansas. (for southern missourians)
5. You know several people who have hit a deer. (who hasn't, there's more deer then people)
6. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end. (true for everyone except people living in Columbia, St. Louis, KC. That's where the intelligent people live)
7. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. (typical missouri weather)
8. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." (i don't believe it, but most mizzer-ahs do)
9. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. (who doesn't)
10. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year. (no vancouver idling fine in missouri lol)
11. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football. (mizzou-rah! the little football team that could, for basketball its beating Kansas)
12. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" (I've said "at" at the end of my sentences when speaking for as long as I can remember)
13. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain. (that's mizzourah culture, missoureeans don't partake in their customs)
14. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. (this is so weird, you think these people have lost their marbles)
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that
everyone else should. (of course, you know we all drive "merican" cars)
16. You went to skating parties as a kid. (yup)
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. (another mizzourah culture trait)
18. The local paper covers national and international
headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. (If the cardinals were in the World Series and a terrorist attack happened, Cardinals would be the more pressing issue)
19. You think that deer season is a national holiday. (who doesn't, at least we have 2 weeks, Illinos has 3 days)
20. You get out to school for deer season. (I don't, but the rural people do)
21. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm. (the great missourian past time)
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. (lol)
23. You've ever said, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity." (indeed, its not the heat that kills around here, but the humidity. "oh the humidity today was atrocious")
24. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,
Still Summer, and Construction. (haha)
25. You know if another Missourian is from the bootheel, ozarks, eastern, middle or western Missouri soon as they open their mouth. (sadly true, their accents are noticable, the changes in saying the state's name, etc)
26. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. (rural)
27. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLLS' means!!! (yup)
28. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. (no the rural people have the accent, damn southerners)
You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is. (yes i do)
29. You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport. (rural)
30. You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance. (who doesn't)
31. You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather. (sort of)
32. There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it. (of course, tornadoes are an event)
33. The local gas station sells live bait. (duh)
34. Your radio buttons are preset buttons are country. (not mine but most, sadly yes)
VERY funny, SD. I like #14 especially.
Its true. lol lots of people just leave their garage doors open during the night.
when storms like this come by a lot during the summer, of course we'll be on the front porch.
(http://photos-g.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v66/110/24/1298040063/n1298040063_30026494_8516.jpg)
This made me choke on my coffee. I tried imagining my 95 year old grandma saying that.
michaelday77 wrote:
[SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][/SPAN][FONT color=#000000][FONT color=#000000]a kid is wated one weekend and loses his LSD in his grandmothers house....after days of searching he finally had to own up...[BR style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][SPAN style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"]the kid asks his grandmother "hey, grandma, have you seen my bottle of liquid LSD??" Grandma says, "fu*k that! have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??!"[/SPAN][/FONT][BR style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][/FONT][BR style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"][SPAN style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,255)"]
[/SPAN]
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What are Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
guy on the street: "Hey lady, you got one tit hangin' out!"
lady : "Oh shit I left my kid on the bus!"
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT id=role_document face=Tahoma color=red size=7][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]THE ITALIAN ELBOW[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT] [/DIV]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=green size=6][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=green size=6][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"What . . . . . .. .. You gonna come empty handed?"[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal belongings.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
5. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course I attended."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just
in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK.
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."[/SPAN]
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.[/div] [div]
Russ, That is a VERY VERY funny joke - did you ever meet the woman i date before I met LM? Well let me tell ya - she'd go to floor six 3,000 times just to make sure then - she'd cimb out the window onto the fire escape - up onto the roof ...but alas i digress ...
I wonder if there's a joke for the reverse roles. A man visiting the floors for his girl.
I'm guessing the first floor would be mighty busy because they probably didn't bother to read the instructions. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
[span style="font-family: 'Courier New';"]
[/span][p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0mm 0mm 0pt;"][span style="font-family: 'Courier New';" lang="EN-US"] [/span][span style="font-family: 'Courier New';" lang="EN-US"]
[/span][/p]
Michel wrote:
Oh yeah, [SPAN style="FONT-STYLE: italic; TEXT-DECORATION: underline"]that[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-STYLE: italic"] [/SPAN]girl, I remember her. I was number 2 357. Please to meet you number 3001. lol
So you know Susan???? Small small world.
purelife wrote:
I wonder if there's a joke for the reverse roles. A man visiting the floors for his girl.
Purelife,
I think you over estimate us ... i would hazzard a guess that 50% of my kind wouldn't make it past the "likes to watch hockey and other sports on TV / is OK with you drinking beer with your buddies" floor ... barely 25% would make it past the "likes to watch hockey and other sports on TV / is OK with you drinking beer with your buddies / is a sexual maniac" floor.
[META] [FONT face=Tahoma]FAST SEX
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll
give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at
him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend... So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls
and asks "What happened...?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
* Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.[/FONT]
[STYLE]#yiv1372132377 .AOLWebSuite .AOLPicturesFullSizeLink (height:1px;width:1px;overflow:hidden;)#yiv1372132377 .AOLWebSuite a (color:blue;text-decoration:underline;cursor:pointer;)[/STYLE]
LOL....very good 49er. Sounds like another pitch for getting rid of pennies ? (or is it for keeping pennies)
(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/8.gif)
Got this in the mail, this morning. Funny. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/4.gif)
[FONT color=#002060 size=4]9 WORDS WOMEN USE [/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]
(1) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Fine: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](2) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Five Minutes: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](3) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Nothing: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](4) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Go Ahead: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](5) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Loud Sigh: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](6) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]That's Okay: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]
(7) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Thanks: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: "]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "](8) [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #002060; FONT-FAMILY: "]Whatever: [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #a13f00; FONT-FAMILY: "]Is a women's way of saying [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: "][A title=http:// href="http://" target=_blank][SPAN style="COLOR: #003399"]F*cK [/SPAN][/A][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]YOU! [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]
(9) [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #002060"]Don't worry about it, I got it: [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology. [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: #a13f00"]* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true. [/SPAN][/SPAN]
There's a town named f*cking (pronounced foo-king) in Austria. (for real)
[A href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/f*cking,_Austria"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/f*cking,_Austria[/A]
And here's the article about f*cking, Austria. LOL pretty hilarious.
(http://i28.tinypic.com/2b6uf5.gif)
I wonder if you can buy a big F*cking sign on ebay.
I don't think I have a use for a F*cking sign.(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
But what if you get a good F*cking deal on one?
[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
Well I'm not one to turn down a good deal.....I'd have F*cking signs everywhere.
P.C. wrote:
[img style="cursor: pointer;" onclick="url(this.src);" src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif[/img]
Well I'm not one to turn down a good deal.....I'd have F*cking signs everywhere.
How many freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis - er I mean ladder.
Michel wrote:
Anybody is looking for an excuse to drink ? (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Teasing/23.gif)
(http://www.strangepersons.com/images/content/5226.jpg)
These ladies could put the Trojan people out of business - after looking at this I won't have a sexy thought for a month.
[h1 style="margin: 0pt; font-size: 12px;"][font style="font-family: Arial Narrow;" size="3"][span style="font-weight: normal;"]"A rich man's joke is always funny" - Thomas Browne[/span][/font]
[/h1]
[span style="font-family: Arial Narrow;"]This is one of my all time favorites ... short and sweet.
A black guy, a rabbi and a american indian chief walk into a bar ...
the bartender looks up and says "what is this some kind of a joke?"
[/span]
"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."
- Unknown
[font face="Arial Black"][/font][font face="Arial Black"]
[/font]
Good one!
P.C. wrote:
I don't think I have a use for a F*cking sign.(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
Well its rather funny sign, especially if you read the sign below it with the town's name. (links aren't working its being blocked)
It's Please, (very Austrian super proper) slow down.
f*cking-please slow down. lol
LITTLE TONY ON RELATIONSHIPS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how
many will be left?' She calls on little TONY.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but
I like your thinking.'
Then little TONY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream The second is gobb ling down
the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting
off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the
top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little TONY replied, 'The correct answer
is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like
your thinking.'
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6',
replies TONY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'
TONY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little TONY,
that's a mouthful.'
Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're
thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says,
'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a TEN !'
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
could use the word 'beautiful' in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful
dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher
reluctantly called on little TONY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said
'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from
him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy
isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little TONY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be
107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?'
Little TONY answered, 'No, he minded his own
f....... business.
Little Stevie was staying with his grandmother for a few
days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a
while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma,
what is that called when two people are sleeping in the
same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
truth."
It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Stevie just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to
talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called
bunk beds-- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"*
ROFL!
[font class="body" face="sans-serif" size="2"] How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.[/font]
(http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/8.gif) .
[FONT size=5][FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1212091263_27 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly[/SPAN] Side of Life [/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]
1. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your wife is pregnant. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2] it's triplets. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]You had a vasectomy five years ago. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
2. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your wife's not talking to you. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]She wants a divorce. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]She's a lawyer. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
3. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your youngest son is finally maturing. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]He's involved with the woman next door. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]So are you. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
4. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your wife and you agree, no more kids. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your wife can't find her [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1212091263_28 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]birth control pills[/SPAN]. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
5. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your oldest son understands fashion. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]He's a cross-dresser. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]He looks better than your wife. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
6. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]She keeps interrupting. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]With corrections. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
7. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your son is dating someone new. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]It's another man. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]He's your best friend. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=3]
8. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Good: [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your 15 year old daughter got a new job [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Bad:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]As a hooker. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Ugly:[/FONT][FONT size=3] [/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2]Your co-workers are her best clients. [/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=red size=2]
Very Ugly:[/FONT][FONT face=Arial size=2] She makes more money than you do[/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3]
[/FONT] [FONT color=blue size=3]**************************************************************************************************
[DIV dir=ltr]
[TABLE id=mod_EDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD id=mod_EDITEXTREGION dir=ltr width="100%"] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT face=Verdana size=1][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][/FONT][/FONT] [DIV class=EC_EC_MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT id=EC_EC_role_document face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000 size=2][FONT face=Verdana size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] "What a Great[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] Chest you have!"[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby." [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6]He takes off his pants and the blonde says,[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] "What massive Calves you[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] have!"[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby." [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=1]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6]He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=1]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6]The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] He catches up to her and asks why she ran[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=#365f91 size=6] Out[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=6] of the apartment like that.[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=1] [/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=7]Scroll down.......[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=navy size=2]
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2].[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=2]
.
.
.
.
.
.
[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=red size=6]The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"[/FONT][FONT face=Verdana size=1] [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][/DIV][/FONT]
LOLZ! I like # 5 from the good, bad, ugly joke.
[font face="times new roman,helvetica"]A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!" [/font]
[FONT size=4][FONT color=#0000ff][FONT face=Tahoma]Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
This should make things a little bit clearer. [SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=center] [TABLE class=EC_EC_MsoNormalTable style="BORDER-RIGHT: 3pt outset; BORDER-TOP: 3pt outset; BORDER-LEFT: 3pt outset; WIDTH: 100%; BORDER-BOTTOM: 3pt outset" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=1] [TBODY] [TR] [TD style="WIDTH: 40%" vAlign=top width="40%"] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]@ PRISON [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="WIDTH: 59%" vAlign=top width="59%"] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]@ WORK [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You get three meals a day fully paid for [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You get time off for good behavior [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you get more work for good behavior [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You can watch TV and play games [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you could get fired for watching TV and playing games [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You get your own toilet [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]They allow your family and friends to visit [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you aren't even supposed to speak to your family [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You must deal with sadistic wardens [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]they are called managers [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD] [TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job! [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD vAlign=top colSpan=2] [P class=EC_EC_MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Is it just me, OR IS THERE SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
[P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[font face="Arial" size="3"]5. [/font][font color="red" face="Arial" size="2"]
Good:[/font] [font face="Arial" size="2"]Your oldest son understands fashion. [/font][font color="red" face="Arial" size="2"]
Bad:[/font] [font face="Arial" size="2"]He's a cross-dresser. [/font][font color="red" face="Arial" size="2"]
Ugly:[/font] [font face="Arial" size="2"]He looks better than your wife.
lmao over this one... the prison and work damn thats twisted... but fairly true and in work u only have to worry about soe one going postal and shooting u. in prisons its just getting shanked with some guys broken toothbrush
[/font]
[SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-STYLE: italic"]Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.[/SPAN][SPAN lang=EN-GB style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"]
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.[/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]The Buffalo Theory[/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]Cliff is seated at the bar describing the "Buffalo Theory" to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard[/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]the concept explained any better than this.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][FONT color=#000000] 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1212798417_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]natural selection[/SPAN] is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. [/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Verdana color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"][FONT face=Verdana size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"]In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Verdana color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"] And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal id=EC_u8CA7B7C8D6702F3-338-365C] [DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/SPAN][/FONT]
That sounds like a viable explanation. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/4.gif)
Cheers...... I think I'll go grab a brain. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/nahrung/a025.gif[/img]
Here's one, where the guy clearly needs a few more cocktails to get smart.
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #0033ff; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][FONT color=#000000]WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TALK TO A DRUNK:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
2 lb. can of coffee
and a 1lb package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."[/FONT][/SPAN]
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,
"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied,
"Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." [/DIV]
^^^^^Hahahahahaaaa Good one.
[FONT face=Arial]Skinny Dipping[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial]
An elderly man in Canada had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon ;bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked , or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.[/FONT]
I like this one.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "then you ask him."
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #624181; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia"]An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
Because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
What it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
Her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
Wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
Husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
Those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
And she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
Married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
Circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
In her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
Why she had married four men with such diverse careers.[/SPAN][FONT face=Georgia color=red size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia"]
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
For the show, three to get ready, and four to go."[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=red][SPAN style="COLOR: red"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=Section1] [BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: medium none; MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"] [DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Arial color=black size=5][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 18pt: "]The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached
almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about
his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants
and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle
and told the midget to turn his head and cough,
the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Hmm...' mumbled the doctor,
and as he put his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.
'Aha!' said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors...
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side...
then snip-snip -snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look,
but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it..
What did you do?'
The doctor replied
'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][/DIV][!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]
Great jokes todday, everyone. Thanks!
....and what about the 6th ? [img onclick="selecte('eh.gif');" alt=emoticon src="http://www.pushupstairs.com/images/emoticon/blehnet/eh.gif" border=0]
Remind me to check my calender. I thought it WAS the 6th today.
Apologies, P.C. I loved the jokes :)
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 12pt"]The Bush Stamp
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN]The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side[?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p]
And the Bill Clinton stamp is too sticky- coated on all sides with a self-adhesive substance.
If she inhaled, she could get high.
Me neither. I only like jiffy markers, black from Staples.
OMG, what the heck?!!
[TABLE bgColor=#ffffdd border=1] [TBODY] [TR] [TD align=middle colSpan=2][SMALL]Anti-Spam Bot-Stopper
Please type the text below into this field[/SMALL][/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD align=middle] [STYLE type=text/css] TD.at_r1 (vertical-align:bottom;) [/STYLE] [TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0] [TBODY] [TR] [TD][/TD] [TD class=at_r1 rowSpan=2]ct[/TD] [TD][/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD]ere[/TD] [TD]s[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][/TD] [TD][INPUT type=hidden value=cd0e567016dda79f2a92d31d5778653f name=sauce_check][INPUT size=10 value=erects name=sauce][/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE][INPUT accessKey=s onclick="return scheck(); return submitThisOnce(this);" tabIndex=3 type=submit value=Post name=post] [INPUT accessKey=p onclick="return (typeof(document.postmodify.attachmentPreview) == "undefined" || !document.postmodify.attachmentPreview.value || confirm('You will have to reattach any attachments, continue with preview?')) && submitThisOnce(this);" tabIndex=4 type=submit value=Preview name=preview][img id=fetchSessionTemp alt="" src="http://discoverseattle.net/forums/Themes/default/images/blank.gif"]
perv bot wants a Lewinsky.
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]A Nun Grading Papers[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt"] [FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"] [DIV class=MsoNormal]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=maroon size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=2][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Arial color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=2][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]ARK[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]RED[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]SEA[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]MOUNT[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]CYANIDE[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]CANADA[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]BATTLE[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] OF GERITOL.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]18. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]ST. JOHN[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]TOMBSTONE[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#8100ff size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8100ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] OFF THE ENTRANCE. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#0000a1 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000a1; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#008250 size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #008250; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans M S" color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans M000D000AS'"]23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]24. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]ST. PAUL[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"] CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=blue size=5][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"]25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.[/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV]
[DIV class=NormalWeb1 style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT][/DIV][/DIV]
lol at the Three Wise Guys from the East Side.
[a class="title" href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/2005/03/22/male-or-female/" style="text-decoration: none;" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link: Male or Female?"]Male or Female?[/a] [div class="cite"]Tuesday March 22nd 2005, 11:28 pm
Filed under: [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/jokes-for-men/" title="View all posts in Jokes for Men" rel="category tag"]Jokes for Men[/a], [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/jokes-for-women/" title="View all posts in Jokes for Women" rel="category tag"]Jokes for Women[/a], [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/misc-jokes/" title="View all posts in Misc. Jokes" rel="category tag"]Misc. Jokes[/a][/div] Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.[/p] Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective productive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.[/p] Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.[/p] Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.[/p] Sponges: Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.[/p] Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on[/p] Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.[/p] Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.[/p] Hammer: Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.[/p] Remote Control: Female. You thought it'd be male but consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.[/p]
[a class="title" href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/2005/03/13/come-in-late/" style="text-decoration: none;" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link: Come in Late"]Come in Late[/a] [div class="cite"]Sunday March 13th 2005, 12:50 pm
Filed under: [a href="http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/category/daily-grind/" title="View all posts in Daily Grind" rel="category tag"]Daily Grind[/a][/div] A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"[/p] The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."[/p] "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"[/p] The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."[/p] "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we'll get you started."[/p] The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"[/p] "Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. [/p] No point of your coming in for that.[/p]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little "0ral sex" will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]"The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked."[/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-GB][/SPAN]
[/DIV]
[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0] LOL. That wasn't the punch line I was expecting at all !!!!!
[P class=style17 align=center]Karate Dog
[P align=left]Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
[P align=left]The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
[P align=left]Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
[P align=left]The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
[P align=left]"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
[P align=left]The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
[P align=left]The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
[P align=left]"I'll take him," he says.
[P align=left]When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
[P align=left]"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
.(http://i32.tinypic.com/29psqbs.jpg)
oh 49er, your wife is gonna give you a slap with the beer...
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for
$32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets
a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a
book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
children. She knows about dentist appointments
and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living
in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing!
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]Rectum Stretcher[/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a [SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]wait.[?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = XXML /][XXML:NAMESPACE ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" prefix="o"][/XXML:NAMESPACE][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]I work[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole? '[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]he asked.[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]Traffic Ticket - $95.00[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]Court Costs -[SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"] [/SPAN]$45.00[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"][O:P] [/O:P][/SPAN]
[DIV class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; lineh-eight: 19.2pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 15pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial"]Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS[O:P][/O:P][/SPAN][/DIV][/DIV]
[em][font face="Garamond"] [/em][/font][font size="6" face="Garamond"]
[/font]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri','sans-serif'"]Questions sent to Dear Abby.[/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri','sans-serif'"]DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on My VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on
the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do
I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote!! [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri','sans-serif'"][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = XXML /][XXML:NAMESPACE prefix="o" ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office"][/XXML:NAMESPACE][?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /][O:P][/O:P][/SPAN]
[!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]
NRA members as well?
Lol Michel, good one! I didn't see it until after 49'er post.
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he
put up a sign that read, 'FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP.'
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the
proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this
time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number . The
redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think
that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won
twice last week...'
[!--NOVELL_REWRITER_ON--]
Thanks' 49'er, you've always got great stuff.
[DL] [DD]I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel [DD]this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last [DD]night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and [DD]what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
[DD]You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, [DD]you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your [DD]hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me [DD]crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
[DD]Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, [DD]only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint [DD]marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight [DD]I will remain awake waiting for you...
[DD]....you f@#$!ng mosquito. [/DD][/DL]
[font size="6" color="#010101" face="Arial"]
[/font][font size="4" face="Arial"]
[/font][/p]
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves
on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined
at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England
every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers
& Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
[DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: bookman old style, new york, times, serif"]TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE
[FONT face="Bookman Old Style" size=4]The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1216661308_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]human body part[/SPAN] increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
[SPAN class=343573300-19072008][FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=3] [/FONT][/SPAN]
Little Mary' s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around
her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye.
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.'
Then she turned to Mary and continued . . 'As for you, young
lady, I have three things to say:
One . . . you have a dirty mind.
Two . . . you didn't read your homework.
And three . . . one day you are going to be very, very
disappointed.'[/FONT][/DIV][!-- toctype = X-unknown --][!-- toctype = text --][!-- text --][!-- toctype = message --][!-- toctype = X-unknown --][!-- toctype = text --][!-- text --]
Lil Me wrote: [DL] [DD]I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel [DD]this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last [DD]night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and [DD]what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
[DD]You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, [DD]you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your [DD]hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me [DD]crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
[DD]Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, [DD]only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint [DD]marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight [DD]I will remain awake waiting for you...
[DD]....you f@#$!ng mosquito. [/DD][/DL] That is SO good.
I couldn't believe how bad the mosquitos were in Langley. Never seen anything like it. We barely have skeeters here......must be the ocean breeze ?
(http://i34.tinypic.com/2wltvg8.jpg).
[FONT face=Arial color=#9933ff size=4]A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." [/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial color=#9933ff size=4][/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial color=#9933ff size=4]
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry"
"Yellow.........lemon"
"Green..........lime"
"Orange.........orange"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," she said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're a**holes!
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little gir l raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
[/FONT]
[span class="normalTextSmall"]
[/span]
LOL!!
[div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]May 30th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]Just moved to THE SUNNY OKANAGAN. NOW THIS IS THE PLACE TO LIVE[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] ... [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]finally found my home. I love it here.[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p][/div][/div] [div] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]June 14th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]Really heating up. Got to 30 today. Not a problem. Live in an[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]June 30th:[/span][/font]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]scorcher today, but I love it here.[/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p] [div] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]July 10th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]to the heat is taking longer that I expected.[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]July 15th:[/span][/font]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]lesson though[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"].[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"] Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.[/span][/font][font face="Arial" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;"]
[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]July 20th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]the size of a shopping bag and stunk up the upholstery. The car now[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]this heat.[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]July 25th:[/span][/font]
[font face="Arial"][span style="font-family: Arial;"]The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman[/span][/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy; font-family: Arial;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Arial" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon; font-family: Arial;"]charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.[/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt;"]
[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]July 30th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $500,000 house and[/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt;"]
[/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]Aug. 4th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost[/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]$500 and gets the temperature down to 20. I hate this stupid city.[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Aug. 8th:[/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]If another wise-ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to[/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!![/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Aug. 9th:[/font]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the[/font][/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"] [/font][/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]Aug. 10th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]The weather report might as well be[/font][/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: maroon;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]a damn recording. Hot and sunny! Hot[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]and sunny! Hot and sunny! It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.[/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]Aug. 14th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature[/font][/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: maroon;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]got to 40 today. Forgot to crack the[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]window and[/span][/font][font color="maroon"][span style="color: maroon;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My sister had to spend $1500[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]to bail me out of jail. Freaking OKANAGAN!! What kind of a sick demented[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]idiot would want to live here??[/span][/font][O:P][/O:P][/p]
[p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="font-size: 18pt; color: maroon;"]Will write later to let you know how the trial went.[/span][/font] [O:P][/O:P][/p][/div]
[FONT size=5]LOL ![/FONT]
LOL. I tried not to laugh, but it didn't work. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
LOL about the guts or balls joke... I forwarded that joke to others. :) (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/8.gif)
a friend who is an avid gun lover sent me this.................
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Subject:[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] FW: Staggering Statistics[/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT] [DIV style="MIN-HEIGHT: 14px"] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face=Tahoma size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV]
[SPAN style="WORD-SPACING: 0px"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-TOP: 5pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"] [P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=7][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]FACTS TO PONDER:[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/BLOCKQUOTE]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=black size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] (A) The number of physicians in the[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN] U.S.[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]is[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
per year are[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]0.171.
[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1219450742_0]Statistics[/SPAN] courtesy of[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN] U.S.[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]Dept of[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Health Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=7][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Guns:
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"](A) The number of gun owners in the[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN] U.S.
is
80,000,000.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=purple size=1][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; COLOR: purple; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"](Yes, that's 80 million..)
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=black size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"](B) The number of accidental gun deaths[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]per year, all age groups,
is
1,500.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(C) The number of accidental deaths[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]per gun owner[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]is[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=navy size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: navy"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV]
[P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"].000188.
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Statistics courtesy of [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1219450742_1]FBI[/SPAN]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=purple size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: purple; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So,[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=navy size=3][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: navy"][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]statistically, doctors are approximately
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=purple size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: purple; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"] 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=purple size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: purple; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=#ff0080 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #ff0080; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Please alert your friends[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=#ff0080 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #ff0080; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]to this
alarming threat.[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=#ff0080 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #ff0080; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]We must ban doctors[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=#ff0080 size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #ff0080; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=purple size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: purple; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]Out of concern for the public at large,[SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
I withheld the statistics on[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=red size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]lawyers[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=5][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]for fear the shock would cause[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN class=ecapple-converted-space][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face=Arial color=black size=2][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Tahoma color=blue size=4][SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"]people to panic and seek medical attention[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN style="COLOR: black"][/SPAN][/FONT] [BLOCKQUOTE][/BLOCKQUOTE][/SPAN]
Lil Me wrote:
[div][p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p] [p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]Aug. 14th:[/span][/font][font color="maroon" size="5"][span style="font-weight: bold; color: maroon;"]
[font face="Times New Roman"]Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature[/font][/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: maroon;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]got to 40 today. Forgot to crack the[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]window and[/span][/font][font color="maroon"][span style="color: maroon;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My sister had to spend $1500[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]to bail me out of jail. Freaking OKANAGAN!! What kind of a sick demented[/span][/font][font color="navy" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: navy;"] [/span][/font][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]idiot would want to live here??[/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p]
[p class="ecnormalweb1"][font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"]Will write later to let you know how the trial went.[/span][/font][/p]
[p class="ecnormalweb1"]
[/p][p class="ecnormalweb1"]Try adding 95% humidity to the mix and add rolling blackouts for no a/c time throw in a hundred leaches. Welcome to my world.
[font color="maroon" face="Times New Roman" size="5"][span style="color: maroon;"][/span][/font] [o:p][/o:p][/p][/div]
[span style=""]
[/span][span style=""][/span]
ROFL! (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/8.gif) I'm gonna send that one around!
LOL......those are excellent.
I'm safe.....one of my friends is as whacky as they come. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]BANNED FROM WAL MART........ ... [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"]
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to [SPAN style="COLOR: #002f80"]Wal-Mart[/SPAN]. Unfortunately, like most men, I found[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to[SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN]browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' [?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /][st1:place w:st="on"]Mission[/st1:place] Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madon na look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
[SPAN style="COLOR: #e000e0"]And last, but not least .[/SPAN]
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!'</ FONT>
Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager [/SPAN]
A Talk With Jesus
About once a week, when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a cold beer along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me on Thursday after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
Jesus replied," That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but now, I have to finish your lawn."
[span style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif;"]
[/span]
[span class="normalTextSmall"][/span]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#8000ff]All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "Safety Lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#008000]1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#800080]2. On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendants and crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." [/FONT]
[FONT face=Roman][/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#408080]3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma]4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#ff8000]5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#0000ff]6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#800000]7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#008000]8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#0000ff]9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#800080]10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#008000]11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#000080]12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#800080]13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma]14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#808000]15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#800000]16. Another flight attendant comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#8000ff]17 An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the Pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#808000]18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#800080]19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#0080ff]20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Tahoma color=#ff0000]21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."[/FONT]
[FONT face=Arial][/FONT]
[font face="Arial"][font size="6" color="#000040"] [/font][/font][font color="#000040" face="Verdana"][/font]
LOL.....that Maxine !
Sometimes a well thought out lesson can backfire.
An elderly gentleman goes into a drug store to buy some V iagra.
"Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you," said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I'm 96," said the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1221850900_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]old man[/SPAN]. "I don't want it up all the way. I just want it out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. [/p]'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' [/p]'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' [/p]'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' [/p]
[span class="normalTextSmall"][/span]
[H1 class=firstHeading]Dead Donkey[/H1] Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for the government.
[span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"]
[/span][p class="MsoNormal"][font size="5" color="blue" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: blue;"][/span][/font][o:p][/o:p][/p]
(http://i36.tinypic.com/2chnvr7.jpg).
[span style="font-family: Arial;"] [/span]
Breaking news from the east re. the financial crisis
The Origami Bank of Japan has folded
The Karoake Bank is going for a song
Shares in the The Kamekze Bank have nosedived
Staff at the Karate Bank have been chopped
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
I was driving behind a car and the back windshield was dirty...dirty enough for someone to write on it with finger. It said: I wish my wife was this dirty
[FONT color=#ff0000 size=7]Apology to Americans[/FONT]
On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you have 10 times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you would never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As a way of our apology, please accept all of our Canadian NHL teams, which one by one are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White-House during the war of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Lover Boy, the song from Sheriff that ends with the high pitched end note, your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this, because, we've seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with. For 22 Minutes, I'm Anthony St.Joseph, I'm Canadian. And I'm sorry.
Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_0 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Lehman Bros[/SPAN] and acquisition of [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_1]Merrill Lynch[/SPAN] by Bank of America this might be some [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_2]good advice[/SPAN]. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_3]Mary Kay Cosmetics[/SPAN], Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_4]Warner Bros[/SPAN]., and [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_5 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Zesta Crackers[/SPAN] join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_6]Honeychild[/SPAN].
7. [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_7]Grey Poupon[/SPAN] and [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_8]Docker Pants[/SPAN] are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1223576395_9]Smith &Wesson[/SPAN] will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
lol...those are GREAT 49er ! I like FedUP. I wonder who sits around and thinks these things up.
'Hello?'
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
...Brief pause...
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, That
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.
'And what happened, honey?' He asked.
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran
around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't
moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
...Long Pause....
............Longer Pause.......
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
[!-- / icon and title --] A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, you're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Conservative".
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know"?
"Well", answered the balloonist, "every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me".
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an NDP'er".
"I am", replied the balloonist. "How did you know"?
"Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault".
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]> There is a factory inNorthern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
> Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
>
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
>
> He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
> putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
> march down to the factory floor.
>
> When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
> Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
> Elmo's.
>
> She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
>
> The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped
> it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between
> Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager burst into laughter..
>
> After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
> approached Lena.
>
> 'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
>
> 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
[/SPAN]
[span style="font-family: Verdana;"]
[/span]
[FONT size=4][FONT color=#000000][FONT face=Verdana]Sign on the back of yet another[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT size=4][FONT color=#000000][FONT face=Verdana]Septic Tank Truck:[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT size=4][FONT color=#000000][FONT face=Verdana]'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT size=4][/FONT]
[FONT size=4]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA......^^^^this is good. I also like the funeral home one.....'Drive Carefully, We'll Wait'.[/FONT]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]TOP 10 REASONS[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]WHY[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]TRICK OR TREATING[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]IS BETTER THAN[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]SEX[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#10[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] YOU'RE[SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]GUARANTEED[/SPAN][SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]TO GET AT LEAST[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]A LITTLE SOMETHING IN THE SACK![/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#9[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]IF YOU GET TIRED[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU CAN WAIT TEN MINUTES[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]AND GO AT IT AGAIN[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#8[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]THE[SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]UGLIER[/SPAN][SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU LOOK[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]THE EASIER IT IS TO GET SOME[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#7[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU DON'T HAVE TO[SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]COMPLIMENT[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]THE PERSON WHO GIVES YOU SOME[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#6[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]FORTY YEARS FROM NOW[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU'LL STILL ENJOY CANDY[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#5[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]ITS O.K. WHEN THE PERSON YOU'RE[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]WITH[SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]FANTASIZES[/SPAN][SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU'RE SOMEONE ELSE,[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]BECAUSE YOU ARE[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#4[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU GET[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#3[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE KIDS[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]HEAR YOU[SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]MOANING[/SPAN][SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]&[SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]GROANING[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#2[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]LESS[/SPAN][SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]GUILT[/SPAN][SPAN class=ececececececececapple-converted-space][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]THE MORNING AFTER![/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p] [/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]#1[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=ececececececececececececececececmsonormal style="MARGIN: auto 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"] [o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD![/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "][/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "][SPAN style="COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "]THREE TOP reasons SEX is better than TRICK OR TREATING[/SPAN][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "][SPAN style="COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; 10pt: "][/SPAN][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][FONT color=#800000][/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000][/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000]YOU CAN LOSE CALORIES INSTEAD OF ADDING THEM[/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000][/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000]IT'S A SHORTER TRIP TO THE BEDROOM, THAN HAVING TO WANDER THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD TO GET SOME.[/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000][/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000][SPAN][o:p][FONT color=#800000]AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON SEX IS BETTER THAN TRICK OR TREATING....AN ORGASM FEELS MUCH BETTER THAN A CAVITY. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif) [/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT][/o:p][/SPAN]
[/DIV]
Oh Oh..I know a 4th one to that list, P.C.
#4 - you're never too old to have sex, but you could be too old to trick or treat.
[span style="font-family: Bookman Old Style;"]
[/span][blockquote style="border-left: 2px solid rgb(160, 198, 229); padding-left: 5px; margin-left: 5px; margin-right: 0px;"][div dir="ltr"][div class="EC_gmail_quote"][div][blockquote dir="ltr" style="margin-right: 0px;"][div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif;"][div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif;"][div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif;"][div][font style="font-family: tahoma,sans-serif;"][font color="#000000" face="Comic Sans MS"][table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"][tbody][tr][td dir="ltr" style="direction: ltr;" width="100%"][div dir="ltr"][table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"][tbody][tr][td valign="top"][div style="padding-left: 5px; margin-left: 5px;"][div][div][table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"][tbody][tr][td valign="top"][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table][/div][/div][/div][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table][/div][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table][/font][/font][/div][/div][/div][/div][/blockquote][/div][/div][/div][/blockquote][font style="font-family: tahoma,sans-serif;"][font color="#000000" face="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/font]
LOL
War dims hope for peace. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
[SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon"]CDC[/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman" color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon"] (Center for Disease Control Alert)[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon size=4][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: black"]The[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]Center for Disease Control has issued a [FONT face="Times New Roman"]medical alert[/FONT] about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is
transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus
is called [FONT face="Times New Roman"]W[/FONT]eekly [FONT face="Times New Roman"]O[/FONT]verload [FONT face="Times New Roman"]R[/FONT]ecreational [FONT face="Times New Roman"]K[/FONT]iller (WORK). If
you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or
anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If
you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately
leave the premises.[/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN] [P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=maroon][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] THE CURE FOR THIS HORRIFIC DISEASE:[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]
[/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=black][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]You must [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA] Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - [/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]W[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]ork [FONT face="Times New Roman"]I[/FONT]solating [FONT face="Times New Roman"]N[/FONT]eutralizer [FONT face="Times New Roman"]E[/FONT]xtract (WINE) [/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]and[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT face="Times New Roman"][SPAN lang=EN-CA]B[/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA]othersome [FONT face="Times New Roman"]E[/FONT]mployer [FONT face="Times New Roman"]E[/FONT]limination [FONT face="Times New Roman"]R[/FONT]ebooter (BEER). [/SPAN][FONT face=Garamond color=green][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"] [/SPAN][/FONT][SPAN lang=EN-CA][o:p][/o:p][/SPAN]
[P class=MsoNormal][FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3][SPAN lang=EN-CA style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"]Take the antidote [FONT face="Times New Roman"]repeatedly[/FONT] until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.[o:p][/o:p][/SPAN][/FONT]
MDR ! That's so cute.....in a twisted sort of way.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/Positive/rofl2.gif) [FONT color=#ffffff] .[/FONT]
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #bfffdf"]Your assignment: Underline the number 20.[/FONT][FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #bfffdf"]
[/FONT]
LOL. That's priceless Russ ! (I particularly liked this one ^ )
A woman was in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cooking aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "its OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."
"Thank, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Johnny."
HAHAHAHAAAA...love it !
Physicians' Opinions of the Washington's Financial Bail Out Package
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_0]Dermatologists[/SPAN] advised not to make
any rash moves.
The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_1 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Gastroenterologists[/SPAN] had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_2 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Neurologists[/SPAN] thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_3 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Obstetricians[/SPAN] felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_4 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Ophthalmologists[/SPAN] considered the idea shortsighted; the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_5]Pathologists[/SPAN] yelled,
'Over my dead body!' while the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_6]Pediatricians[/SPAN] said, 'Oh, Grow
up!'
The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_7]Psychiatrists[/SPAN] thought the whole idea was madness, the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_8]Radiologists[/SPAN] could
see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_9]Plastic
Surgeons[/SPAN] said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_10]Urologists[/SPAN] felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.
The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_11 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none"]Anesthesiologists[/SPAN] thought the whole idea was a gas, and the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227757740_12 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Cardiologists[/SPAN]
didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a**holes in
Washington .
Secret of a Happy Marriage
At Saint Rocco's [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_0]Catholic Church[/SPAN] they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_1 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #dceeff"]50th wedding anniversary[/SPAN], to take a few minutes & share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_2]Italy[/SPAN] for the [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_3 style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]25th anniversary[/SPAN]!"
[SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_4]The Priest[/SPAN] responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1227824277_5]50th anniversary[/SPAN]."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her!"
[span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif';"]
[/span][p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"][span class="ececececececececapple-style-span"][span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif';"] [/span][/span][span class="ececececececececapple-style-span"][span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"] [/span][/span] [o:p][/o:p][/p]
That's funny...... in a sad kind of way. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
sighs... to true not funny
just very sad...
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do
you love doing that?'
> >
> >
> >
> >
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
[FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN]What Religion is Your [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1228966880_0 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]Bra[/SPAN]?[/SPAN] [/FONT][/FONT] [P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4]A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]'[/FONT][/SPAN]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT size=3][FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]What type of bra?' asked the clerk.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]
[/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bookman Old Style', serif"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"].'[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4] Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple....[/FONT][/SPAN]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"]The Catholic type[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]supports the masses;[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 7.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]The Salvation Army type[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]lifts the fallen;[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]The Presbyterian type[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]keeps them staunch and upright; and[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]The Baptist type[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]makes mountains out of mole[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]hills.'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana, sans-serif"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4]Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed![/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"] [SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"](A)[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: rgb(128,0,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]Almost Boobs...[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(B) Barely there...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(C) Can't Complain!...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(D) Dang!...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: fuchsia; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(DD) Double dang!...[/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 24pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(E) Enormous[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(0,128,255); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]!...[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(F) Fake...[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: rgb(255,0,128); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]
[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: rgb(255,0,128); FONT-FAMILY: 'Bookman Old Style', serif"][FONT face="comic sans ms" size=4]( G) Get a Reduction...[/FONT][/SPAN][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: 'Brad ley Hand ITC'"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN]
(H) Help me, I've fallen[SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: maroon; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]and I can't get up!...[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"]
[/SPAN]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[P class=ececmsonormal][FONT face="comic sans ms"][FONT size=4][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bradley Hand ITC'"]They forgot the German bra.[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif"][SPAN class=Apple-converted-space] [/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana, sans-serif"]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 36pt; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, sans-serif"]Holtzemfromfloppen[/SPAN][/SPAN]
Hahahahahahaaaaa !
[FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial]A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "What?"
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial]So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care.[/FONT][/FONT][/DIV][FONT color=#111111][FONT face=Arial]
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."[/FONT]
[/FONT]
lol....cute, Michel. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif)
Yes....yes indeed. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/verschiedene/c010.gif" border=0]
[P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 12pt"][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary..
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3
seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station...
And then the fight started....
=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]go
home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand
she[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you[/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: navy"] [/SPAN][SPAN style="COLOR: black"]just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...[/SPAN][?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /][o:p][/o:p]
[span class="normalTextSmall"]
[/span]
An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring. The [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1231282429_2 style="CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed"]old man[/SPAN] said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'[/DIV][FONT face="Goudy Old Style" color=#0000ff size=4][/FONT]
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
' Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so
I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
[/DIV]
LMFAO ohh my god how positively delightful, so devious and positively brilliant... thanks 49er blessings for that great bit of laughter
OMG....LOL
I seem to be pretty good at zeroing in on the nude dude. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif" border=0]
It's not true. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/figuren/g025.gif" border=0]
[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/figuren/a040.gif" border=0] .
P.C. wrote:
[div style="font-style: italic;"]OMG....LOL[/div] [div style="font-style: italic;"] [/div] I seem to be pretty good at zeroing in on the nude dude. [img style="cursor: pointer; font-style: italic;" onclick="url(this.src);" src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif[/img]
PC - my job is to find a tiny speck of gold on the side of a mountain in the jungle - I honestly could not find the nude dude - you must have a special talent that you need to exploit (or at least explain)
PC - my job is to find a tiny speck of gold on the side of a mountain in the jungle - I honestly could not find the nude dude - you must have a special talent that you need to exploit (or at least explain)
Hhahahahha.
Actually, it has nothing to do with the nude guy....but I am pretty good at puzzles in general. Don't tell anyone, but I have the whole I Spy series. I tell everyone they're for the kids, but I really did get them for me. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
found him use the zoom in and cheat =D makes it easier to find him bad news is u see his todger more clearly and it is a anatomically correct drawing with pubic hair and all... lol
[span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 127); font-weight: bold;"]Okay so there's 2 muffins put into the oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says." Hey, It's warm in here" and the other muffin screams." Holly Crap, a talking MUFFFIN!!!!"D: [/span]
[span style="font-family: Arial;"]
[/span][p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"][span style="font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-CA"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/p]
LOL....love that one. It always makes me think of my old boss.
A nurse was caring for an elderly woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
The nurse then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1234332593_0]NEW YORK LAWYER[/SPAN]
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from [SPAN class=yshortcuts id=lw_1234332593_2]New York[/SPAN] and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
LOL. Excellent 49er.
[FONT size=2]My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me, this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
*************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....
*************************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband's
out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
*************************************************************
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap, that must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smash- ed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
***************** ********************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
*************************************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!'
And then the fight started.....
*************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please," I said.
He replied, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too!'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...[/FONT]
.
[img style="WIDTH: 598px; HEIGHT: 702px" height=802 src="http://i43.tinypic.com/28i41ap.jpg" width=700]
[p class="MsoNormal"][font face="Verdana"][span style="font-family: Verdana;"]A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]rather taken aback because he can't place where he[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"] [o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt;"] [/span][/font][font face="Verdana"][span style="font-family: Verdana;"]To which she replies, "I think you're the father[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]of one of my kids."[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"] [o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt;"] [/span][/font][font face="Verdana"][span style="font-family: Verdana;"]Now his mind travels back to the only time he has[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God![/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"] [o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt;"] [/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt;"] [/span][/font][font face="Verdana"][span style="font-family: Verdana;"]She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p][/div] [div] [p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"][font face="Verdana" size="3"][span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Verdana;"]your son's teacher."[/span][/font][font face="Verdana" size="2"][span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/font][/p]
[FONT size=7]LOL ![/FONT]
[p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"][span style="" lang="EN-US"][o:p][/o:p][/span][/p]
[h1]
[/h1]
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he
decided to become a mechanic. He went to the localtechnical college,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is
an error in the grade. 'The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took
the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career.
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career.
That is impressive ...
The 76 year old lady in court...
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 76 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I certainly did not!
Defense Attorney: Why ever not?
Little Old Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Go here to google store.: [meta XXXX-EQUIV="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"][meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"][meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"][meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"][link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CRussfest%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"][link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CRussfest%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"][link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CRussfest%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"][!--[if gte mso 9]][xml] [w:WordDocument] [w:View]Normal[/w:View] [w:Zoom]0[/w:Zoom] [w:TrackMoves/] [w:TrackFormatting/] [w:PunctuationKerning/] [w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/] [w:SaveIfXMLInvalid]false[/w:SaveIfXMLInvalid] [w:IgnoreMixedContent]false[/w:IgnoreMixedContent] [w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText]false[/w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText] [w:DoNotPromoteQF/] [w:LidThemeOther]EN-CA[/w:LidThemeOther] [w:LidThemeAsian]X-NONE[/w:LidThemeAsian] [w:LidThemeComplexScript]X-NONE[/w:LidThemeComplexScript] [w:Compatibility] [w:BreakWrappedTables/] [w:SnapToGridInCell/] [w:WrapTextWithPunct/] [w:UseAsianBreakRules/] [w:DontGrowAutofit/] [w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/] [w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/] [w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/] [w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/] [w:Word11KerningPairs/] [w:CachedColBalance/] [/w:Compatibility] [w:BrowserLevel]MicrosoftInternetExplorer4[/w:BrowserLevel] [m:mathPr] [m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/] [m:brkBin m:val="before"/] [m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/] [m:smallFrac m:val="off"/] [m:dispDef/] [m:lMargin m:val="0"/] [m:rMargin m:val="0"/] [m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/] [m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/] [m:intLim m:val="subSup"/] [m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/] [/m:mathPr][/w:WordDocument] [/xml][![endif]--][!--[if gte mso 9]][xml] [w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true" DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99" LatentStyleCount="267"] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/] [w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/] [/w:LatentStyles] [/xml][![endif]--][style] [!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face (font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;) @font-face (font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;) /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal (mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0cm; margin-right:0cm; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0cm; lineh-eight:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;) a:link, span.MsoHyperlink (mso-style-priority:99; color:blue; mso-themecolor:hyperlink; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;) a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed (mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; color:purple; mso-themecolor:followedhyperlink; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;) .MsoChpDefault (mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;) .MsoPapDefault (mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; lineh-eight:115%;) @page Section1 (size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;) div.Section1 (page:Section1;) --] [/style][!--[if gte mso 10]] [style] /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable (mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; lineh-eight:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;) [/style] [![endif]--] [p class="MsoNormal"][a href="http://www.google.com/products"]http://www.google.com/products[/a][/p]
Do a search for 'coloring book' (without the quotations of course), and see the first thing that comes up.
You know you want one.. lol.
Do a search for 'coloring book' (without the quotations of course), and see the first thing that comes up.
You know you want one.. lol.
The book or the ... ?
Uhh...umm.....my computer is obviously not doing it right.
[img id=ps-product-image title="My Own Very Hungry Caterpillar Coloring Book" height=175 alt="My Own Very Hungry Caterpillar Coloring Book" src="http://books.google.com/books?id=7cCPHAAACAAJ&printsec=frontcover&img=1&zoom=1&mode=1"]
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', Well, I guess I just panicked."
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Nursing Home Sex [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV]
[DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt"] [FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Do you know what I miss most of all?" [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]She asks, "What?" [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Sex!!" he replies. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Mildred exclaims, "Why you [SPAN id=lw_1241109770_19 class=yshortcuts]old fart[/SPAN]. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the [SPAN id=lw_1241109770_20 class=yshortcuts]Senior Citizen[/SPAN] Home where she found him sitting by [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=5 face="Arial Black"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked .. "Is that one word or two?"
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
[FONT size=5]What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?[/FONT]
Juan on Juan
[FONT size=5]What is a Yankee? [/FONT]
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
[FONT size=5]What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? [/FONT]
The position of the dirt bag
[FONT size=5]Why is divorce so expensive? [/FONT]
Because it's worth it.
[FONT size=5] What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? [/FONT]
Doughnuts
[FONT size=5]Why is air a lot like sex? [/FONT]
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any..
[FONT size=5]What do you call a smart blonde? [/FONT]
A golden retriever.
[FONT size=5]What do attorneys use for birth control? [/FONT]
Their personalities.
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? [/FONT]
10 years and 45 lbs
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? [/FONT]
45 minutes
[FONT size=5]What's the fastest way to a man's heart? [/FONT]
Through his chest with a sharp knife
[FONT size=5]Why do men want to marry virgins? [/FONT]
They can't stand criticism.
[FONT size=5]Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?[/FONT]
Because those men already have boyfriends.
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? [/FONT]
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
[FONT size=5]Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? [/FONT]
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
[FONT size=5]Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? [/FONT]
Because they have cotton balls.
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? [/FONT]
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
[FONT size=5]What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? [/FONT]
'Are you sure it's mine?'
[FONT size=5]Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? [/FONT]
Mace will do that to you.
[FONT size=5]Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? [/FONT]
Everyone has the same DNA.
[FONT size=5]Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? [/FONT]
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
[FONT size=5]Where does an Irish family go on vacation? [/FONT]
A different bar.
[FONT size=5]Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a blonde baby? [/FONT]
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
[FONT size=5]What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?[/FONT]
A speech impediment
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?[/FONT]
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
[FONT size=5]How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? [/FONT]
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
[FONT size=5]What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?[/FONT]
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
[font style="font-family: arial narrow;" size="4"][/font][div][div][div style="font-family: arial narrow;"][/div] [p style="font-family: arial narrow;"][font color="black" size="4"][span style="color: black;"]Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
[/span][/font][/p] [p style="font-family: arial narrow;"][font color="black" size="4"][span style="color: black;"]49er you are going to hell for that one ....
[/span][/font] [/p] [div]
[font face="Times New Roman" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font] [/p][/div][/div][/div]
[table id="post88852" class="tborder" align="center" border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="100%"][tbody][tr valign="top"][td class="alt1" id="td_post_88852" style="border-right: 1px solid rgb(209, 209, 225);"][div id="post_message_88852"]Body: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach ," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The @$$hole is usually in charge[/div] [!-- / message --] [/td] [/tr] [tr] [td class="alt1" style="border-right: 1px solid rgb(209, 209, 225);" valign="bottom"]
[/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room.'
EEEEWWWWWWWWWAH !!!!!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
No matter what language you speak or where you go:
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE IS ONE SMART WOMAN!
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
[div class="smallfont"] Feel good.... [/div] [hr style="color: rgb(209, 209, 225);" size="1"] [!-- / icon and title --] [!-- message --] [div id="post_message_91874"]There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy... my balls itch."[/div]
one day a woman recieves a compliment about her hair smelling nice from a coworker
upon hearing this she grows enraged and storms off into her bosses office and says shes quiting and is filing asexual harassment lawsuit
'oh come on " say her boss"what wrong with saying someones hair smells nice"?
"he was a f*ckin midget" lol
Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day.
He was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing and even walking.
So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit-
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Off to Vegas[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!' [/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Math Lesson[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
Of course, now you know how bored I am at work.........
[TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"] [TBODY] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Growing Wild[/TD][/TR] [TR] [TD colSpan=2]Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
[/TD][/TR][/TBODY][/TABLE]
LOL on the Math Lesson. Priceless Lise. (//forums/richedit/smileys/2.gif)
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]Three Hillbillies are a settin' on a porch shootin' the breeze.[/SPAN][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1246399453_52 class=yshortcuts]Hillbilly[/SPAN] says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]them new fangled warshin ' machines!'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar![/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black"]
[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=#0000a1 size=4 face=Arial][SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: rgb(0,0,161); FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"]3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker!'[/SPAN][/FONT]
and since we're still on the subject of the pee-pee, here is another one.............
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach [SPAN id=lw_1246470174_50 class=yshortcuts]good manners[/SPAN], asked her students the following question: [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The teacher responded by saying,[/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] 'That would be rude and impolite. [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' [/SPAN]
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Sherman[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] said,
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]I'll be right back.'[/SPAN]
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"] 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' [/SPAN]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]'[/SPAN][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' [/SPAN]
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[DIV style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=left]
[SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]The teacher fainted.[/SPAN]
LOL. Good one. Here's one because it's Canada Day.
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut."
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
That went a different direction than expected. Excellent !!!!
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve." "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'
Happy Gardening.
OK OK I know he's dead and these are now very inappropriate - but still ... ha ha
Why does Michael Jackson relate so well to children?
He knows how they feel.
What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health spa?
I feel like a new boy.
Where does Michael Jackson look for dates?
Boys 'R Us.
Van_guy you're right, that they are inaproriate but you are wrong about them being funny, they're just disturbing.
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch Brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and - as required by law - tried to run it.
They failed and it closed.
Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!
No further comments are necessary...
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzle by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, > Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine....'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails. '
Now, the cop is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
(for you Canucks, unlike Canada age of consent is 18 here in the states)
[font face="Arial"][span style=""]Be[/span][font style=""][span style=""][span style="color: black;"]tter than a Flu [/span][/span][/font][/font][font style=""][span style=""][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/span][/font][font face="Arial"][font style=""][span style=""][span style="color: black;"]Shot! [/span][/span][font style=""][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][/font][/font] [p style="text-align: center;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="7" face="Tahoma"][span style="font-family: Tahoma; color: black;"][/span][/font][/p][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3" face="Times New Roman"][span style=""] [/span][/font]
[p style="text-align: center;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="4" face="Tahoma"][span style="font-family: Tahoma; color: black;"]Miss Beatrice,[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="4"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="4" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]the [span id="lw_1248725099_1" class="yshortcuts"]church organist[/span],[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""] [/span][/font]
[/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]was in her eighties[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font]
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"]and had never been married. [/p][font style="font-family: Times New Roman;" color="#0070c0" size="3" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]She was
admired for her sweetness[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][/p][font style="font-family: Times New Roman;" color="#0070c0" size="3" face="Times New Roman"][span style=""][/span][/font] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]and kindness to all.[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]One afternoon the pastor[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""] [/span][/font]
[/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font]
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"]She invited him to have a seat while
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]she prepared tea...[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font]
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"]As he sat facing her old Hammond
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][span id="lw_1248725099_2" class="yshortcuts"]organ[/span],[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] the young minister[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""] [/span][/font]
[/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]noticed a [span style="border-bottom: medium none; background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; mozbackground-clip: mozinitial; mozbackground-origin: mozinitial; mozbackground-inline-policy: mozinitial;" id="lw_1248725099_3" class="yshortcuts"]cut glass bowl[/span] sitting on top of it.[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]The bowl was fille[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font]d [font style="" color="#0070c0"][span style="color: black;"]with water, and in the
water[/span][font style="" color="#0070c0"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]floated, of all things, a condom![/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]When she returned[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]with tea and
scones,[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font] they began to chat. [/p][font style="font-family: Times New Roman;" color="#0070c0" size="3" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"] [span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"]about the bowl of water and its[/span] [span style="color: black;"]strange floater,
[/span][/font][/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]'Miss Beatrice', he said,[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""] [/span][/font]
[/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] pointing to the bowl.[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""] [/span][/font]
[/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]
[/span][/font][/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]I was walking through[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"] [/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]the Park a few months ago[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font]
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"]and I found this little package on the
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]ground.[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font] The directions said [/p][font style="font-family: Times New Roman;" color="#0070c0" size="3" face="Times New Roman"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]to place it on the organ,[/span][/font][font color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"][/span][/font][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style=""][/span][/font] keep it wet and that it would prevent
[/p][p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]the spread of disease... [/span][/font][/p] [p style="text-align: center; font-family: Times New Roman;" align="center"][font style="" color="#0070c0" size="3"][span style="color: black;"]Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'[/span][/font] [/p]
Here's one for the women.............
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
" Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer Garge replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Tree Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.
What is the meaning of life?
That's an easy one . . .
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you
49er...that's so PERFECT ! LOL
P.C. wrote:
49er...that's so PERFECT !
Of course this begs the question are you the dog the cow or the monkey??
the goat
Daddy, How was I born? A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo..
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said Scroll down
You'll love
this ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
'You have Male!'
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in
Tokyo Japan .
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a
barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should
serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which
time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which
reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were
perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood
into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds
later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his
tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the
end..
[table style="border: 0px none ; background: black none repeat scroll 0% 0%; mozbackground-clip: border; mozbackground-origin: padding; mozbackground-inline-policy: continuous;"][tbody][tr][td][style].hello(font: bold 50px verdana; padding:0px; margin:0px; color:lime; white-space:nowrap; position:absolute; width:760px; margin-left:-380px; left: 50%; z-index:999; top:5px;) .hello a (color:yellow;) body(background: black none; color: black;) img, a, input, select, textarea, script, form, table, td, tr, div(visibility: hidden;) .baslink(visibility:visible;)[/style][h1 class="hello baslink"]visit: [a href="http://www.bannedallstars.com/forums/index.php" class="baslink"]bannedallstars.com[/a][/h1][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]
[P style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt"]
[FONT color=maroon size=5 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: maroon; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]Meet Marvin, a Man's answer to Maxine ![/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV closure_hashCode_ab0boz="1434"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 12pt" closure_hashCode_ab0boz="1433"][img]http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=b357a221a9&view=att&th=12358836d487e1df&attid=0.0.1&disp=emb&zw" width=389 height=363 closure_hashCode_ab0boz="1432"][/SPAN]
[FONT face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Men strike back! [/SPAN]
[/FONT] [FONT size=2][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]How many men does it take to open a beer?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]None. It should be open when she brings it.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]--------------------------[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Why is a Laundromat[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=red size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]a really bad place to pick up a woman?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you in the style to which you are accustomed.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=black size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]---------------------------- [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Why do women have smaller feet than men?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]--------------------------[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]How do you know when[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=red size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] a woman is about to say something smart?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]--------------------------[/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]How do you fix a woman's watch?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]You don't. There is a clock on the oven. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]--------------------------[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in...[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]-------------------------[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 7.5pt; MARGIN-LEFT: 7.5pt; MARGIN-RIGHT: 7.5pt"] [BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"][FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]It's called a Wedding Cake.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[P style="MARGIN-RIGHT: 43.5pt"][FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]---------------------- [/SPAN][/FONT]
[/BLOCKQUOTE][/DIV][FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Why do men die before their wives?[/SPAN][/FONT][FONT color=black size=4][SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]They want to. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[P style="MARGIN-RIGHT: 43.5pt"][FONT color=teal size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]------------------------------[WBR]------------------------ [/SPAN][/FONT]
[P style="MARGIN-RIGHT: 43.5pt"][FONT color=red size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle it! [/SPAN][/FONT]
[FONT size=2 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt"][/SPAN][/FONT]
[/DIV][FONT color=red size=5 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="COLOR: red; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"]AND MAXINE SAYS...............'MARVIN'...[WBR] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"][img alt=cid:
[email protected] src="http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=b357a221a9&view=att&th=12358836d487e1df&attid=0.0.2&disp=emb&zw" width=481 height=302][/SPAN][/DIV][/DIV]
[SPAN style="COLOR: teal; FONT-SIZE: 18pt"][FONT face="Times New Roman"]Maxine just had to have the last word...[/FONT][/SPAN][/DIV]
here're the two red x's above....
1st [FONT color=#c00000 size=5]x[/FONT]
(http://i29.tinypic.com/2ch2aec.jpg)
2nd [FONT color=#c00000 size=5]x[/FONT]
(http://i26.tinypic.com/aorfw1.gif)
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, When they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Gopher wrote:
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, When they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
HAHAHA!!
Funny stuff.
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father?" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
Clever Guest laughed.
"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...
But fart just one time......
Older Women Are So Reasonable
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
'44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".
NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000..00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.
I love it ! Good one 49er. (http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif)
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
Awwww....those cute ol folks. (//forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/3.gif)
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $5000 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have five of my finest ladies and a four-course meal."
The trucker replies:
"Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Thanks the heehaw Goph!!!!
Happy Friday.
Happy Friday to you too, LM.
Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom "stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others."
Son - "Dad, whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]W[/FONT]ithout [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]I[/FONT]nformation, [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]F[/FONT]ighting [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]E[/FONT]verytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
[FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]W[/FONT]ith [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]I[/FONT]diot [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]F[/FONT]or [FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"]E[/FONT]ver
*****************************************
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
*******************************************
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
********************************************
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
******************************************
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why three?
Husband: For you and your parents
********************************************
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great [SPAN id=lw_1255206538_2 class=yshortcuts]Mount Everest[/SPAN]?
Husband: A lovely push...!!!
*********************************************
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
**********************************************
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice
A guy was taking a course in human sexuality, and on a particular day, they were studying the Kinsey Report. As the professor was citing different statistics, he commented that one particular woman in the study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.
A male voice piped up and asked, "Wow... who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "Never mind that, who was HE?"
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
shit!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..
Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
TOOOOO FUNNY ! I laughed all the way through. I think I'll print that out and frame it for the shop. I gotta show that one to Sawdust.
I have to admit...I used words I didn't even know I knew. (//forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/12.gif)
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1258678887_0 class=yshortcuts]movie star[/SPAN].'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into [SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1258678887_1 class=yshortcuts]Hollywood[/SPAN], you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
[SPAN style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; CURSOR: hand" id=lw_1258678887_2 class=yshortcuts]Dick van Dyke[/SPAN]
[font style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;" size="4"]LOL I snorted when i finished reading that one pleasently enjoyable
this one on the other hand .. i could have lived happi;ly with out ever having read it but I will leave it up to you all to judge its worth as funny or not funny[/font]
[br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"]There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] Now it was the second man's turn.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.[/span][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][br style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"][span style="color: rgb(17, 17, 17); font-family: Arial Narrow;"] After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard.[/span]
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'
She answered . . . . ..
'THE TEETH.'
[FONT face=Arial]DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can
tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the
last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away..
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the [SPAN id=lw_1259541541_0 class=yshortcuts]designer jeans[/SPAN] that you have
had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for [SPAN id=lw_1259541541_1 class=yshortcuts]Christmas[/SPAN] that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to
me with tears in her eyes and said,
Please.. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?[/FONT]
??
[img alt="http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/647/ninjakid.gif" src="http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/647/ninjakid.gif"]
lol :)
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21.. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
Those are excellent Gophie ! Can't decide which one is my fav !
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'
[DIV id=post_message_137182]A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror,
mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts
grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror,
mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off![/DIV][!-- / message --]
Some people just have no luck at all. [img border=0 src="http://discoverseattle.net/forums/richedit/smileys/Happy/4.gif"]
[DIV id=post_message_138066]An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on . . ..
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"[/DIV]
[DIV id=post_message_138589]1st woman: Hi! Barbara.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.[/DIV][!-- / message --]
LOL ^^^^^^^^
[SPAN lang=EN]
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for a reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.
[/SPAN]
^ lol
Sadly it happens to all of us. Not just men.
Two Priests .......
........are in a Vatican bathroom
using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'[/DIV][!-- / message --]
^ LMAO omg, that was soo wrong.
[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW![/SPAN]
^^^^^^^ That works for me
Sorry was she saying some thing I only heard no clothes
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.
Natasha wrote:
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.
Can you show me this in person please as I have a tough time learning I am more of a hands on type of leaerner
DDD wrote:
Natasha wrote:
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.
Can you show me this in person please as I have a tough time learning I am more of a hands on type of leaerner[/DIV]
Since Orik needs this lesson too. He can teach you and you can teach him =)
No, My apartment has enough problems with out any more junk in it. throws you both out ...
[br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [font color="white" face="verdana" size="3"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"]The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.[/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. [/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."[/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."[/span][/font]
Natasha wrote:
DDD wrote:
Natasha wrote:
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.
Can you show me this in person please as I have a tough time learning I am more of a hands on type of leaerner[/DIV]
Since Orik needs this lesson too. He can teach you and you can teach him =)[/DIV]
No...... you need to teach me
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':
a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.
[FONT color=#003366 size=7]9 WORDS WOMEN USE[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=5](1)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Fine:[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is the word women use to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](2)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Five Minutes: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](3)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Nothing:[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is the calm before the storm.[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](4)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Go Ahead: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](5)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Loud Sigh: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](6)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]That's Okay: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](7)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Thanks:[/FONT][FONT size=2 face=Tahoma] [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - then it is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](8)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5] Whatever: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]Is a women's way of saying S[/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5 face=Tahoma].[/FONT][A title=blocked::mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW href="mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW"][FONT title=blocked::mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW color=#993300 size=5 face=Tahoma][U title=blocked::mailto:C.R.E.W.@#$EW]C.R.E.W.[/U][/FONT][/A][FONT color=#993300 size=5]YOU! [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6](9)[/FONT][FONT color=#003366 size=5]Don't worry about it, I got it: [/FONT][FONT color=#993300 size=5]Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.[/FONT]
[FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=5]* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=5]avoid if they remember the terminology.[/FONT]
[FONT color=#993300 size=6]* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true.[/FONT]
[FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"] [/FONT]
Hahaha That's gooooood.
good but this ones better..
Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.
[br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 127);"] [table style="color: rgb(0, 0, 127);"][tbody][tr][td width="500"][font face="verdana" size="3"]A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"[/font][/td][/tr][/tbody][/table]
LOL.....nice one
[DIV class=replyBody] [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [DIV style="FONT-FAMILY: times new roman, new york, times, serif; FONT-SIZE: 12pt"] [DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.[SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off in a short time. [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label on that read: [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT color=#0000ff size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]'Goldberg Air Conditioner,' [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs[FONT face="Comic Sans MS"][FONT color=#000080][FONT size=3][SPAN class=700151520-17052010]'[/SPAN][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]name on two million Fords. [SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just[SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]their FIRST names would be shown.[SPAN class=700151520-17052010][FONT color=#000080 size=3 face="Comic Sans MS"] [/FONT][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"][SPAN class=700151520-17052010][/SPAN][/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show the names -- [/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]
[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][FONT color=#0000ff size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"]Lo, Norm, Hi, & Max [/SPAN][/FONT][FONT size=4 face="Times New Roman"][SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt"] on the controls.[/SPAN][/FONT]
[DIV align=left][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV][/DIV]
[/DIV]
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"[/DIV]
LOL ^^^^^^^^^ good one