Ann Coulter's Oscar Picks: Can someone please revoke this dingbat's citzenship!

Started by Sportsdude, Mar 03 06 02:37

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Sportsdude

SPEAKING TRUTH TO DEAD HORSES: MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS
Ann Coulter
March 1, 2006

This is my first annual Oscar predictions column, for which I am uniquely qualified by not having seen a single one of the movies nominated in any category. I've never even watched an Oscar ceremony, except once when a friend called me 35 minutes into Halle Berry's acceptance speech and I managed to catch only the last 20 minutes of it.

I shall grant my awards based on the same criteria Hollywood studio executives now use to green-light movies: political correctness. Also, judging by most of the nominees this year, the awards committee prefers movies that are wildly unpopular with audiences.

The box office numbers for this year's favorite, "Brokeback Mountain," are more jealously guarded than the nuclear codes in the president's black box. Hollywood liberals want the government to release everything we know about al-Zarqawi, but refuse to release the number of people who have seen "Brokeback Mountain."

I shall summarize the plots of the five movies nominated for best picture below:

— "Brokeback Mountain" (gay)

— "Capote" (death penalty with bonus gay lead)

— "Crash" (racism)

— "Good Night, and Good Luck" (McCarthyism)

— "Munich" (Jew athletes at Munich had it coming)

Everyone says it's going to be "Crash," but I think "Crash" is too popular with filmgoers. Moreover, Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks. Hollywood can never do enough for the gays. Gays in the military, gays in the Texas Rangers, gays on the range. It's like a brokeback record! As Pat Buchanan said, homosexuality has gone from "the love that dare not speak its name" to "the love that won't shut up."

Is the idea of gay cowboys really that new? Didn't the Village People do that a couple of decades ago? Am I the only person who saw John Travolta in "Urban Cowboy"?

Movies with the same groundbreaking theme to come:

— "Westward Homo!"

— "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven"

— "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral"

— "How West Hollywood Was Won"

OK, back to predictions. The best director award will go to ... Ang Lee, director of "Brokeback Mountain." (For analysis, see above.) Also, this is gays directed by an Asian, which should satisfy the gaysians. Hands down: Ang Lee.

The nominees for best actor in a leading role are:

— Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Capote"

— Terrence Howard, "Hustle & Flow"

— Heath Ledger, "Brokeback Mountain"

— Joaquin Phoenix, "Walk the Line"

— David Strathairn, "Good Night, and Good Luck"

The winner in this category will be ... Philip Seymour Hoffman. The awards committee can't give everything to "Brokeback Mountain," and at least Truman Capote was gay (though not a cowboy). I personally would have chosen the lion in the Narnia movie, but he wasn't even nominated.

The nominees for best actress in a leading role are:

— Judi Dench, "Mrs. Henderson Presents"

— Felicity Huffman, "Transamerica"

— Keira Knightley, "Pride & Prejudice"

— Charlize Theron, "North Country"

— Reese Witherspoon, "Walk the Line"

I gather Reese Witherspoon is very good in "Walk the Line," but that's irrelevant — this is the Oscars! Felicity Huffman plays a pre-op transsexual in "Transamerica." That strikes a chord in Hollywood. It's not exactly gay, but close enough! I say Huffman wins.

For best actress in a supporting role, Rachel Weisz ought to win for "The Constant Gardener" because it's about how drug companies are evil, which to me is the essence of quality acting. Plus, English accent equals good acting. But Michelle Williams ("Brokeback Mountain") is engaged to Heath Ledger, who played a gay guy in "Brokeback Mountain." So I pick Weisz, with Williams as the dark-horse favorite.

The best original screenplay will be "Good Night, and Good Luck" as Hollywood's final tribute to the old Stalinists (Hollywood's version of "The Greatest Generation"). George Clooney has been mau-mauing the awards committee by going around boasting that conservatives have called him a "traitor," although I believe the precise term was "airhead."

Finally, my favorite category: best foreign language film. The nominees are:

— "Don't Tell" (Italy)

— "Joyeux Noel" (France)

— "Paradise Now" (Palestine)

— "Sophie Scholl" (Germany)

— "Tsotsi" (South Africa)

[FONT color=blue]After consulting with the Yale admissions committee, the awards committee will give the Oscar to ... "Paradise Now," a heartwarming story about Palestinian suicide bombers. How good is it? Al-Jazeera gave it 4 1/2 pipe bombs. It's Air Syria's featured in-flight movie this month — go figure! I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but let's just say there won't be a sequel.[/FONT]

Normally, the smart money is on the Holocaust movie, so any other year, "Sophie Scholl" would have been the clear favorite. Unfortunately for the makers of "Sophie Scholl," their Holocaust movie came out the same year as a pro-terrorist movie, so they lose.

As a final prediction, for the second year, there will be no mention of Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh, who was brutally murdered by an angry Muslim a little over a year ago on the streets of Amsterdam. (Now that's blacklisted!) I also predict this will be the lowest-rated Oscars ever. Remember to turn off your cell phones, no talking ... or sleeping.
"We can't stop here. This is bat country."

tenkani

"Also, judging by most of the nominees this year, the awards committee prefers movies that are wildly unpopular with audiences." Last I heard Brokeback Mountain (which seems to be her focus) has made 40 or 50 million above the production cost. It cost about 20 mil to make and has earned 70 or so if I remember correctly. Compared to a mindless American action blockbuster, 50 mil profit isn't too impressive, but this is a romance movie for shits sake.

Anyway, I think the rest of the article speaks volumes about Coulter's style. It reads like a Discover Vancouver post. I mean, it's sort of funny, unless you take it seriously. Unfortunately, many of her fans (as with the fans of Limbough, O'rielly etc.) take her comments as gospel rather than entertainment. Scary...
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of coffee forever.

TehBorken

Ann Coulter is a genuinely toxic bimbo whose only real talent is in making offensive, inflammatory remarks. She has no demonstrable analytical skills, no background as a reporter or journalist, and no real qualifications as anything other than a "pundit" (which is one of the only jobs that has no actual job description or requirements other than being able to "say inflammatory things").
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

weird al

Has Coulter ever defined what she means by "liberal" (she fairly spits the word out), or is it  just a blanket epithet she reserves for anyone who thinks differently from her?  In any case it's easy to picture her communing with horses,  as suggested in the title of her column.

Adam_Fulford

Ann Coulter writes great satire, though she may not know it.

Witch

Anne Coulter criticizes a movie for being racist? That would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

TehBorken

[span class="caption"]Conservative political "analyst" Ann Coulter makes a complete ass out of herself during an interview. For the record, no, Canada did not send troops to Vietnam no matter what Ann "Cuckoo" Coulter says. [/span]

[img]http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/img/check-your-facts.jpg" border="0" height="197" width="240"]   [span class="caption"][span style="text-decoration: underline;"][/span]
[/span][a href="http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/videos/check-your-facts.html"]Watch the video clip[/a]
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Lise

lol. Yes, she should get an oscar for that performance. Note to Ann, research before you shoot off your mouth.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby.