Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Russ]

Ok, Ive been coming across a few that I think a few of you might like, but I dont like the idea of a new thread every time...

 

So Ill start.

 

 

 

 

A BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were
married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile
about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her  trips in Northern
Saskatchewan when she saw an elderly  Cree  woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the  Cree  woman if she would like a ride. With a
silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small
talk with the  Cree  woman. The old woman just sat silently,
looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little
detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of
wine. I got it for my husband."

The  Cree  woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,

"Good trade."

[Lise]

Too tame.

 

WARNING R-RATED JOKE HERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

[Future Canadian]

Um, I'm hesitant to tell this joke, for fear I might offend (not intended). But this is an answer to Lise's (very funny btw) joke: ALSO R RATED:

Q: What do you call that useless fleshy part that surrounds the vagina?
A: A woman
 

[Russ]

Future Canadian wrote:
Um, I'm hesitant to tell this joke, for fear I might offend (not intended). But this is an answer to Lise's (very funny btw) joke: ALSO R RATED:

Q: What do you call that useless fleshy part that surrounds the vagina?
A: A woman
 

Uh, I fail to see the humour in the truth?  

<<Hehe, Im gonna get the smackdown here in a bit Im sure>>

 

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

 

[Russ]

35% content;

 

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

 

better miss lise?

[P.C.]

The husband store joke is excellent Russ......I like that one !!!!!

[weird al]

.

 

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 (so they say)

        John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

        That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

        He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

        The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.

        The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said,  "Aye, he told me,
and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come."

[49er]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

 

At 1 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second  blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied suggestively. 

"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Lise]

BAHHAHA. Dang! That was hilarious, 49er!!!!  

[P.C.]

LOL....the man is clearly evil.....or at the very least, working his way towards evilness.

[Marik]

*might offend some*

4 gay men walk into a bar. They are looking for a place to sit, but only see 1 stool. What do they do?

Flip it upside down
(drag mouse over box)

       

A Chinese guy, a Pakistani, and a Canadian guy were all taken for a ride up in a hot air balloon. Each were told to bring something they had too much of in their country. When they were 1500 feet up, they were told to throw over what they brought.
The Chinese guy threw over a bag of Opium and said, "We have too much of these in our country."
The Pakistani threw over bag of Hash and said, "We have too much of this in our country."
Then the Canadian grabbed the Pakistani and the Chinaman and threw them over the side. He says, "We have too much of them in our country".

 

[49er]

milk

 

filmed at a Starbucks in Seattle

[Russ]

LOL 49er! You might wanna label that 35% tho or Not work safe!

[weird al]

A LOVE STORY........
>An Irishman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there for
a
 while,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
watch
the
sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
 romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the
Irishman. Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.
 But
the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Irishman took his
arm
 from
around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together,
 but
there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and
behold,
 there
was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman,
 the
most beautiful woman the Irishman had ever seen. She was in a
pretty
bad
way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to
health.
 When

the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus
clouds,
 a
warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Irishman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and cautiously
leaned
towards the young woman, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk."

[Russ]

Top Ten Things To Do During Pet Appreciation Week:

1. Lick your dog's face.

2. Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.

3. Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.

4. Bring your cat a dead bird.

5. Make a real effort to learn to purr.

6. Spend a day with your head stuck in a bird cage.

7. Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.

8. Sniff your neighbor's butt.

9. Bite the mailman.

10. Eat supper on the floor.

 

 

 

What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

When they get flipped on their back, they're screwed!

 

 

 

This one makes me smile every time:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."