Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[49er]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 

                   NICKNAMES

 

                         If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
                         will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
                         If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
                         affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
                         Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

 

                   EATING OUT

 

                         When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will
                         each throw in $20, even though it's only for
                         $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller
                         and none will actually admit they want change
                         back.
                         When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
                         calculators.

 

                   MONEY

 

                         A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
                         A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
                         doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

                   BATHROOMS

 

                         A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
                         and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
                         soap, and a  towel .
                         The average number of items in the typical woman's
                         bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to
                         identify more than 20 of these  items.

 

                   ARGUMENTS

 

                         A woman has the last word in  any argument.
                         Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
                         a new argument.

 

                   FUTURE

 

                         A woman worries about the future until she gets a
                         husband.
                         A man never worries about the future until he gets
                         a wife.

 

                   SUCCESS

 

                         A successful man is one who makes more money than
                         his wife can spend.
                         A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

                   MARRIAGE

 

                         A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
                         but he doesn't.
                         A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
                         change, but she does.

 

                   DRESSING UP

 

                         A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
                         plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a
                         book, and get the mail.
                         A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

 

                   NATURAL

 

                         Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
                         Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

                   OFFSPRING

 

                         Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her
                         children.  She knows about  dentist appointments
                         and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
                         fears and hopes and dreams.
                         A man is vaguely aware of some short people living
                         in the house.

 

                   THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY

 

                   A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no
                   use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

 

[49er]

Rectum Stretcher

 

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a  bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

 

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

 

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

 

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

 

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?

 

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

 

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work  from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but  surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

 

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole? '  he asked.

 

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

 

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

 

Court Costs -  $45.00

 

Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

[Michel]

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

In a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: ' Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~
And then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

And set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

With my mother,

~~~~~~~~

Where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

Clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

And forever feel

Grateful and happy doing so. '
~~~~~~~~

That night,
~~~~~~~~
As the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
On lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
Seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
And onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
She chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~

I don't f*ckin think so.

[49er]

Questions sent to Dear Abby.

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on My VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on
the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do
I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?



Remember these people can vote!!

[Sawdust]

NRA members as well?

[Sawdust]

Lol Michel, good one! I didn't see it until after 49'er post.

[Michel]

hehehe and it's not even March 8, oh we gonna suffer this year. The chicks are marching on to the offensive!

[49er]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.  So  he
put up a sign that read, 'FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP.'
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.  If he guessed
correctly he would get his free sex.  The redneck guessed 8, and the
proprietor said, 'You were close.  The number was 7.  Sorry.  No sex this
time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up.  Again he asked for his free sex.  The proprietor again
gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number .  The
redneck guessed 2 this time.  The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,   'I think
that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't, Billy Ray.  It ain't rigged.  My wife won
twice last week...'

[Michel]

AH AH AH !

[Sawdust]

Thanks' 49'er, you've always got great stuff.

[Michel]

 

[Lil Me]

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel 

this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last 

night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and 

what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, 

you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your 

hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me 

crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, 

only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint 

marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight 

I will remain awake waiting for you...

....you f@#$!ng mosquito.

[Michel]

Boomer music retitled 

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are
revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers:

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.


The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?


Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.


Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.


Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now !


The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.


Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.


Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.!


Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.


The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone


Abba --- Denture Queen !


Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.


Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore !


Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want Too!


And finally:


Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again !!

[Lil Me]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves
  on a bar  stool.
  One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined
   at the hip.
  I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft  please'.
 
  The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make  polite
  conversation while pouring the beers.
  'Been on holiday yet,  lads?'
  'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England
  every  year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
  Jim agrees.
   'Ah, England!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the
  history, the  beer, the culture...'
  'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. '  Hamburgers
  & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the  English -
  they're so arrogant and rude.'
  'So why keep going to England  ?' asks the barkeeper.
  'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
 

[49er]

TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when

stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should

not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell

my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then

fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body

part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
 
Little Mary' s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around

her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The

body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the

pupil of the eye.

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.'

Then she turned to Mary and continued . . 'As for you, young

lady, I have three things to say:

One . . . you have a dirty mind.

Two . . . you didn't read your homework.

And three . . . one day you are going to be very, very

disappointed.'