Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

Gopher · Mar 03 10 10:49

[DIV id=post_message_138066]An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on . . ..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"[/DIV]

Gopher · Mar 10 10 06:53

[DIV id=post_message_138589]1st woman: Hi! Barbara.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.[/DIV][!-- / message --]

.DDD · Apr 06 10 04:56

LOL ^^^^^^^^

DDD · Apr 26 10 04:16

[SPAN lang=EN]

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for a reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

[/SPAN]

Natasha · Apr 26 10 07:25

^ lol

Sadly it happens to all of us. Not just men.

Gopher · Apr 27 10 10:18

Two Priests .......

........are in a Vatican bathroom

using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'[/DIV][!-- / message --]

Natasha · Apr 28 10 09:18

^ LMAO omg, that was soo wrong.

[SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial"]What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW![/SPAN]

DDD · Apr 28 10 05:15

^^^^^^^ That works for me

Orik · Apr 28 10 05:32

Sorry was she saying some thing I only heard no clothes

Natasha · Apr 28 10 08:56

See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.

DDD · Apr 28 10 09:30

Natasha wrote:
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.

Can you show me this in person please as I have a tough time learning I am more of a hands on type of leaerner

Natasha · Apr 29 10 07:10

DDD wrote:
Natasha wrote:
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.

Can you show me this in person please as I have a tough time learning I am more of a hands on type of leaerner[/DIV]
Since Orik needs this lesson too. He can teach you and you can teach him =)

Orik · Apr 29 10 10:23

No, My apartment has enough problems with out any more junk in it. throws you both out ...
[br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [font color="white" face="verdana" size="3"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"]The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.[/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. [/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."[/span][br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] [br style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"][span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 191);"] "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."[/span][/font]

DDD · Apr 30 10 03:24

Natasha wrote:
DDD wrote:
Natasha wrote:
See if you gentlemen would keep up with your laundry then you could actually be on the floor without clothes instead of thinking you heard on the floor with no clothes =) I hope you both learned your lesson.

Can you show me this in person please as I have a tough time learning I am more of a hands on type of leaerner[/DIV]
Since Orik needs this lesson too. He can teach you and you can teach him =)[/DIV]
No...... you need to teach me

Gopher · May 07 10 10:45

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

.DDD