Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Lise]

The Curry Charts

At number we have:

35. Poppadum Preach - Madonna

34. Korma Chameleon - Culture Club

33. Bhaji Trousers - Madness

32. King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham

31. Dansak Queen - Abba

30. Korma People - Pulp

29. Tikka Chance On Me - Abba

28. When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole

27. You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes

26. Korma Police - Radiohead

25. Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream

24. Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue

23. It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles

22. Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits

21. Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths

20. Pilau Talk - Doris Day

19. It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To ? - Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin

18. I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua

17. Sag Aloo - Black lace

16. Take That and Chapati - Take That

15. Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji ? - Lisa Stansfield

14. I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant

13. Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie

12. We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge

11. Vindaloo - Abba

10. I Don't Want to Go to Chutney ? Elvis Costello

9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice

8. Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss

7. Tandoori Deliver - Adam and the Ants

6. Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley

5. We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off ? Jermaine Jackson

4. Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers

3. Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf

2. Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard

1. Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim

[purelife]

9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
LOL, those are hilarious, Lise.  I like this one.  Cute. 
 

[Lise]

New Bride

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

[Lise]

Help I'm stuck

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

[Lise]

All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is Amoxycillin

And so on...

What's the generic name for ?
Mycoxafailin

[Lise]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget.

[Lise]

Punishments in Hell...

A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.

So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"

[Lise]

There ain't no justice in the world

Once upon a time.....there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into a mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He jogged to the beach, completely undresses and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other old lady:

"There ain't hardly no justice in the world".

The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"

"Well", she said,

"When I was 15, I was curious about it."

"When I was 20, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 30, I asked for it."

"When I was 40, I begged for it."

"When I was 50, I paid for it."

"When I was 60, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

[purelife]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked

John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he

opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she

said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery

store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for

speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for

you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I

got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped

laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign

comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he

knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets

stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his

car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his

hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,

"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious

personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,

but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy

in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would

you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and

utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter

and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles

knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Russ]

 

 

EDIT: Yarrgh! I assbungled it up. sorry. I cant get the stupid thing to work, damn links and stupid sites.

 

 

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these handy instructions:

Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
Remove your laptop.
Start up
Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
Then hit this link

[P.C.]

Help....I don't get it.

[purelife]

Grandma Loves Oranges

 

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept  it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and  arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
 
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
 
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, "I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[purelife]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your  breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, someday he
may even walk again.

[49er]

a

perfect car for women

[purelife]

LOL, that's hilarious, 49er.