Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[P.C.]

Here's one, where the guy clearly needs a few more cocktails to get smart.

 

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TALK TO A DRUNK:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
2 lb. can of coffee
and a 1lb package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.  She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[49er]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,
"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied,
"Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[P.C.]

^^^^^Hahahahahaaaa   Good one.

 

 

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Canada had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon ;bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked , or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[P.C.]

I like this one.

 

 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a  whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."   The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "then you ask him."

[49er]

An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
Because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
What it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
Her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
Wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
Husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
Those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
And she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
Married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
Circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
In her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
Why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
For the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[49er]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached
almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about
his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants
and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle
and told the midget to turn his head and cough,
the usual method to check for a hernia.

'Hmm...' mumbled the doctor,
and as he put his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.

'Aha!' said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors...

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side...
then snip-snip -snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look,
but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it..
What did you do?'

The doctor replied
'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...

[Lil Me]

Great jokes todday, everyone.  Thanks! 

[P.C.]

....and what about the 6th ? 

[Lil Me]

Remind me to check my calender.  I thought it WAS the 6th today.
Apologies, P.C.  I loved the jokes :)
 

[purelife]

The Bush Stamp
 
The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side

[Michel]

AH AH AH ! 

[Lil Me]

And the Bill Clinton stamp is too sticky- coated on all sides with a self-adhesive substance. 

[Michel]

Oh so she didn't "inhale" too... Bill is Green, he use organic glue...

[purelife]

If she inhaled, she could get high. 

[Michel]

I don't know, I never tried, please tell us more kitty !