Post your jokes here. AKA Joke thread.

[Lil Me]

LITTLE TONY ON RELATIONSHIPS
                         A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds
                         sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how
                         many will be left?' She calls on little TONY.

                         He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the
                         first gunshot.'

                         The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but
                         I like your thinking.'

                         Then little TONY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


                         There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
                         cream:

                         One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
                         scoop of ice cream   The second is gobb ling down
                         the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting
                         off the top of the ice cream.   Which one is
                         married?'

                         The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
                         'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the
                         top and sucked the cone.'

                         To which Little TONY replied, 'The correct answer
                         is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like
                         your thinking.'


                                        LITTLE TONY ON MATH
                         Little TONY returns from school and says he got an
                         F in arithmetic.

                         'Why?' asks the father?

                         'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6',
                         replies TONY.

                         'But that's right!' says his dad.

                         'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

                         'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

                         'That's what I said!'



                                       LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
                         Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
                         'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
                         class. Does anybody have an example of a
                         multi-syllable word?'

                         TONY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

                         Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little TONY,
                         that's a mouthful.'

                         Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're
                         thinking of a blowjob.'


                                       LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
                         Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
                         All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
                         He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a
                         piss!!'

                         The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the
                         proper word to use in this situation.
                         The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
                         Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence
                         correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

                         Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says,
                         'You're an eight, but if   you had bigger tits,
                         you'd be a TEN !'


                                  LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
                         One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
                         teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
                         could use the word 'beautiful' in the same
                         sentence twice.

                         First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
                         with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful
                         dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

                         'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then
                         called on little Michael.

                         'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
                         turned out beautifully.'

                         She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher
                         reluctantly called on little TONY.

                         'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
                         father that she was pregnant, and he said
                         'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


                                    LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
                         Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching
                         on one candy bar after another.
                         After the 6th one a man on the bench across from
                         him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy
                         isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
                         your teeth, and make you fat.'

                         Little TONY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be
                         107 years old.'

                         The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
                         bars at a time?'
                         Little TONY answered, 'No, he minded his own
                         f....... business.
 

[Michel]

lol at you're an 8 !!!

[Lil Me]

Little Stevie was staying with his grandmother for a few
days. He'd been  playing outside with the other kids for a
while when he came into the house  and asked her, "Grandma,
what is that called when two people are sleeping in  the
same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken  aback, but decided to tell him the
truth."

It's called sexual  intercourse, darling."
Little Stevie just said, "Oh, OK." and went back  outside to
talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he  came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma it is not called sexual intercourse!   It's called
bunk beds-- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"*
 

[Gopher]

ROFL!

[Michel]

The Gaston of today. Nothing to read.

 

EDIT : I deleted it since the page changed everyday.

[Lil Me]

  How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too. 

[purelife]

 .

[49er]

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life


1.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3.
Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4.
Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.  

5.
Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.  

7.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8.
Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do

**************************************************************************************************

The  body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,     "What  a Great   Chest  you have!"                                                     He  tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."                            He  takes off his pants and the blonde  says,   "What  massive Calves you   have!"                                                                               The  body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."               He  then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the  apartment screaming in fear.       The  body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.      He  catches up to her and asks why she ran     Out  of  the apartment like that.                                                         Scroll  down.......   .   .   .   .   .   .   .                                 The  blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite  after I saw how short the fuse was!"

[purelife]

LOLZ!  I like # 5 from the good, bad, ugly joke.

[Lil Me]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"  

[purelife]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
This should make things a little bit clearer.  

@ PRISON	@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell	you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
You get three meals a day fully paid for	you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
You get time off for good behavior	you get more work for good behavior
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you	you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
You can watch TV and play games	you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
You get your own toilet	you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
They allow your family and friends to visit	you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required	you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out	you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
You must deal with sadistic wardens	they are called managers
You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies	you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!
Is it just me, OR IS THERE SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????

[Orik]

5.
Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

lmao over this one... the prison and work  damn thats twisted... but fairly true and in work u only have to worry about soe one going postal and shooting u. in prisons its just getting shanked with some guys broken toothbrush

 

[purelife]

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[49er]

The Buffalo Theory

 

Cliff is seated at the bar describing the "Buffalo Theory" to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard

the concept explained any better than this.    

 

 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. 

 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.   And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[P.C.]

That sounds like a viable explanation.   

 

Cheers......  I think I'll go grab a brain.