is this cheating?

need2know · Feb 21 06 09:52

Hi Everybody,

[HI DOCTOR NICK) lol,

No but this is a serious topic............

I have been married for two years to my childhood sweethart, which i do love very very much, we have been 2gether for 6 years, and i know she loves me and i love her, but for the past year i feel like the passion is going away and sex is becoming just routine, and i have been talking to this girl on msn messenger like everyday, and then last week we met for lunch......she was hot, she thinks i am hot, and i told her i was single. Now, i know that i would not want my wife to be doing what i did, so i just answered my own question kind of? But sometimes i think the only reason were together is because we have kids one is 3 and the other is turning 2, and i am the one and only guy she has had sex with, but trust me we had alot of sex before she got pregnant........my whole thing is i dont want to cheat, i really do love my family but at the same time i am really young, and i mean really young, very early 20's, she is 24. But what should i do i dont want to live the rest of my life with out having amazing sex all the time, and i have had sex with other girls, awsome sex. I am the type of person who thinks whatever happens happens, if she cheats on me, then she can do what ever makes her happy, when i talk to her about our sex life she is all like ''thats all your about is sex, sex, sex, maybe if you helped out around here more we would have more sex,'' but i do help alot, i just hate washing dishes, and the sex is pretty good with us except she is not very freaky unless she is drunk, but aside from every thing else, i will not cheat on her, i cant do that to her, i wont do that to her, so now i just have to disappear from msn and this other girl right? And just my luck the other chick is a virgin too, so i could not do any thing with her, but i would'nt any way , but man it is hard some times, really hard sometimes. Sorry for taking up your time with my post, but i had to get this off my chest and actually write down that i am not going to talk to this other girl any more, because my wife would'nt do that to me........or how do i know she is not doing it to me.......no no just trust her and go back to my life, my happy suburban, family life.

P.C. · Feb 21 06 10:18

"she was hot, she thinks i am hot,"

You have to remember, that this is probably what brought you and your wife together in the first place. So, if it can fade with your wife, it will fade with the next woman. UNLESS you learn that keeping a relationship exciting takes some work.....and this will be the same with the next woman and the next, and the next. Learn NOW, before you leave a trail of disaster and broken hearts (including your own).Usually men know what needs to be done to make a relationship work (women too), but don't make the effort.

I'm glad you've already recognized that meeting this MSN gal was wrong.[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/c020.gif" border=0]

TehBorken · Feb 21 06 10:21

So, if it can fade with your wife, it will fade with the next woman.

Well said.

Witch · Feb 21 06 10:26

I'm assuming that you don't have an open relationship, since you had to lie about being single.

The point at which you need to hide something is the point at which it becomes wrong, because it is at that point that you understand or believe it to be wrong.

Married relationships built on nothing more than initial attraction and sex quite often fade, because chemistry fades. Marriage relationships built on a solid foundation of frendship last, and the sex usually stays pretty good too, although it's rare to maintain the flaming sex romps of the first few months (which is a good thiong as you get older, trust me). The only thing you can really do now is to go back and fix the problem at the source. Start working at becoming your spouses best friend. Your marriage will get better, and your sex life will improve too. You might consider bringing some variety into your sex life too. Sex with someone else can be very exciting, as long as your wife gets participate too.

purelife · Feb 21 06 10:30

Hi need2know and welcome.

My first impression from reading your post is that you're out there looking for some emotional loving. Being a mother is hard work and if sex is something that you want, then listen to her needs. It can also be quite sexy if you washed dishes near her and she might get turned on. Who knows?

I have heard and read that it makes the wife feel good to know that her husband is helping out around the house with daily chores and playing with the kids. Do you give her massages? Do you have a chance to go out to a dinner/movie? Make time for yourselves. Often I find that married couples with kids seem to always focus the attention on the kids and forget about themselves as a couple. If the two of you aren't happy, then your kids feel that and that is certainly not a healthy environment to bring up children. So, my advice to you is really bring up your concern with your wife about the importance of spending quality time together doing the things the both of you love. And, most definitely, it is somewhat cheating if you are not telling your wife about this msn girl. I believe that in a relationship, communication is key. And it doesn't matter how young you are. I have seen couples in their 20's who are very happy. Age is all relative. I don't know why you brought it up in the first place. It's like you're trying to find an excuse to tell yourself that because you're young in this relationship, that you don't have responsibilities. Once you have kids, regardless of age, you have to be a responsible parent, to yourself and to your wife (and vice versa).

P.C. · Feb 21 06 10:44

A lot of good points purelife.

Silly as it seems, doing dishes or vacuuming (or whatever) does more than get a necessary job done, it is part of reinforcing that you're in this TOGETHER. (A few comments like...."man this isn't very exciting work, I don't know how you do it day after day, hun") will show her that you acknowledge her 'drudgery', which is part of what makes you start to feel 'unsexy'. I know it sounds trivial, but these are some of the little tiny building blocks that work towards togetherness. [img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/haushalt/a034.gif" border=0]

need2know · Feb 21 06 10:47

great replys guys, i was expecting the norm DV responses but was pleasantly suprised, now i am best friends with my wife, and i do help out alot, and our lives are very happy, and really to tell you the truth if we could never have sex again, i would not care, as long as im with her, i guess what i went through is pretty normal, everyone has thoughts about cheating once in their life right? As long as you look but dont touch, and dont look too often i guess. But thank you for all your good suggestions and i will start washing dishes more ofeten and givin her massages more often cause i really do love her alot and i want to make her feel good and thats all i really want.

purelife · Feb 21 06 10:53

First off, this board is nothing compared to DV. DV is a warped hell hole! :P

It's good to know that you love her and are willing to work things out. Relationships take a lot of work. Compliments like telling her how beautiful she is and how much you love her really makes her feel good. Perhaps you can set up a nice warm bath for her. Go to a soap store (like Lush here in Vancouver) and buy her a nice bath bomb. Get some scented candles if you don't have any and give her a relaxing evening after the kids are in bed.

Playing some nice music in the background and ask her to dance. Slow dancing often helps get her and you in the mood.

Once in a while, buy her a rose or her favorite flower. Buy her a "I Love You" card that expresses your emotions. I'm sure that if you do the above, she will appreciate it and return the appreciation. Best of luck to you and all my best wishes to you.

P.C. · Feb 21 06 11:16

I think I would add, that if you've become really 'distant', it's a wise idea to do these 'acts of kindness', without OBVIOUS expectations of 'payoff'. " Honey, I ran you a lovely bubblebath....relax...I'll do the dishes"......followed by a horizontal leap through the air, the second she emerges from the bathroom door, is probably not going to work.[img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/c020.gif" border=0]

need2know · Feb 21 06 11:22

dont worry im a real casanova i wont be doing that, i know exactly what i need to do

P.C. · Feb 21 06 11:38

Excellent ![img style="CURSOR: pointer" onclick=url(this.src); src="http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/a130.gif" border=0]

Lisa Maree · Feb 23 06 11:35

If I have any advice to give, it would be to try to work things out before you cheat. You would be surprised how quickly things can change when you put a little focus and effort into your relationship.